Saturday, April 11, 1998

MTV's Robe Rules

ARETHA FRANKLIN: Don't you blaspheme! Don't you blaspheme in here!
                                                            --from The Blues Brothers, 1980

The point is not to blaspheme. The point is everything's trivial if you filter it through the third generation of late 20th century self-talk -- including the Greatest Story Ever Told. That trivialization is my target -- not God, Jesus, religion, or anybody's idea of religion. Honest. Hopefully God will be impressed by this line of reasoning and I will not burn in hell. Meanwhile, here's...



Looking down from helicopter. Camera follows a Recreational Vehicle traveling over the paved highways of a modern mutation of Norman Jewison's high-tech, 1st century Israel , complete with TVs, telephones, tanks and other such 20th century technology. The Romans, of course, all speak with British accents...


JESUS and various disciples shoot the breeze. Handheld camera, real sound. The men are the official disciples, but there are just as many women. PETER drives. JESUS hangs over his shoulder, haggling about a road map.

JESUS: That's ... that's how you want to go to Capernaum?

PETER: Hey. I don't want to go to Capernaum in the first place, JC. But it's the quickest way there.

JESUS: (pointing at map) No, no, no. Go this way.

PETER: That's the long way, hoss.

JESUS: Then go the long way.

PETER: I don't wanna go the long way!

JESUS: You'll piss off the Romans.


JESUS: Well ...They got some kinda anachronistic rocket installation there. The short way goes right by it.


JESUS: Yeah. Route XVII. It's like right up their BLEEP. We got all these wires and satellite dishes on the roof of this thing. They kinda look like guns or something.

PETER: Give me a BLEEPing break! Seriously?

JESUS: Seriously! They see us driving up in this heap, they'll think we're Zealots or something. They've got firepower, man. Short drive, OK? Stain on the road. The Romans don't play around.

PETER: BLEEP the Romans.

JESUS: My sentiments exactly. But. Be cool.

PETER: Be cool? For real?

JESUS: For real. I mean you don't wanna piss off the Romans. You don't wanna do that. They'll BLEEP you up.

PETER: (mumbling) At least they won't micromanage my ass.

JESUS: Excuse me?

PETER: Nothing.

JESUS: No, you said something. I wanna hear it.

PETER: Forget it.

JESUS: I won't forget it. So ... I made a disparaging remark about the Romans. You said ...

PETER: At least they won't micromanage my ass.

JESUS: What? No way. You think? When did I ever ...

PETER: All the time! All the BLEEPing time!

JESUS: It's constructive criticism. I'm your navigator.

PETER: You're a boil on my BLEEPing, BLEEP! You wanna drive this thing?

JESUS: No. I wanna return to the subject of our route.

PETER: Agghhhh.

JESUS: This "short road" thing? Gotta say, Pete. Bad idea. Bad. It's just like we're occupied or whatever. These Romans. They're really into this authority trip.

PETER: Fine. We'll take the long way where the bad Romans can't hurt you.

JESUS: Hey! I'm not scared of the freaking Romans!'

MARY MAGDALENE: (to camera) He's scared.

PETER peels off on the junction at the last possible second. Tires squeal.

JESUS: I'm scared of your lousy driving, man. That's what I'm scared of.

MARY: (to Jesus) You're like so childlike and vulnerable when you're scared...

JESUS: (flattered but hiding it) Shut up. So Pete. Where's Capernaum? Are we there yet?

PETER: No. We're taking the long way. It's gonna take more time. That's what "long way" means.

JEUS: OK, I get it. So ... are we there yet?

PETER: "Are we there yet." Man, you are like a little kid...

JESUS: Yeah I am -- you gotta be. Hey that's good.

PETER: What?

JESUS: What you -- I mean what I just said. "You've got to be like a little kid."

PETER: Jesus...

JESUS: No, seriously, Pete, that's gold. "You've got to be like a little kid." I can use that. It's good material.

MARY M: Say "child." Like, "You gotta be like a little child." That sounds smarter.

JESUS: So ... are we there yet?

MARY: Jesus! It's like I'm BLEEPing invisible!

JESUS: You're not invisible, OK? I can see you!

MARY: I didn't mean literally you stu--

JESUS: Hey Peter! Are we there yet?




JESUS: Why not?

PETER: See the sign?

JESUS: You mean like from God?

PETER: No. The road sign. (pointing) You see it?

JESUS: Yeah.

PETER What's it say?


PETER: So we got LVII miles to go.

JESUS: The Romans use miles?

PETER: Yeah. The Romans use miles.

JESUS: I thought they used kilometers.

PETER: No. The Romans invented miles.

JESUS: Oh. Are we there yet?

PETER grits teeth, rolls eyes, drives. 

Speeded-up footage -- Handmade Films feel: JESUS and crew in Capernaum being chased by mob.

Outside the city gates, JESUS stops, shakes the dirt off his megatrendy sneakers. Turns back and hollers.

JESUS: Capernaum sucks! You're all a bunch of BLEEPBLEEPBLEEP! My daddy's going to make you cry!

He runs away. Shouts again.

JESUS: Start the RV! Start the RV! 

The RV pulls into frame, driving over the waves. It continues to the middle of the lake, then stops, suspended on top of the water.

Everyone's getting a little tense --

JESUS: (looking out window) Where the BLEEP are we?

MARY M: Like, how come you gotta ask? I thought you're like supposed to be omnipotent or something?

JUDAS: (popping up from behind the next seat) You mean "omniscient."

MARY M: Yeah thanks, Mr. Dictionary. But with you it's impotent.

JUDAS: BLEEP off. (grabbing crotch) You wanna find out?

MARY: Not with you I don't.

JESUS: Stay on your side, Judas!

JUDAS slinks behind the seat.

JESUS: This is bad. This is really bad.

JUDAS: (OS) This is bad. This is really bad.

JESUS: Where are we?

MARY: On a lake, duh? Where do you think?

JESUS: What lake where? That's what I think.

JUDAS: (OS) Hey Mary...

JESUS: (edging into hysteria) What lake where? That's the question. I'm really asking the question. Somebody answer it. Please. Hello?

JUDAS: Yo. Mary...

MARY: I don't like you and I'm not talking to you.

JESUS: Where. Are. We.

JOHN: Well you know what they say. "Wherever you go there you are."

JUDAS: That's great, John. Advice from a reetard.

JOHN: Like you're so smart.

JESUS: Tell me where I am. Tell me where I am.

JUDAS: Hey, JC. You're seriously freaking out about this.

JESUS: No kidding.

JUDAS: What's your problem?

JESUS: I had this thing when I was a kid. My mom and dad got lost in Egypt. We just kept driving in circles for miles and miles and it really scared the living BLEEP out of me. All those pointy things sticking out of the desert? I hate those things! Really freaking traumatized me.


JESUS: So, I hate not knowing where I am. It really pushes my anxiety buttons.That's my problem.

MARY: So solve the problem.

JESUS: Solve the problem?

MARY M: Yeah. Can't You, like, find out where You are? That should be easy for You. You're like totally omniscient, right?

JUDAS applauds. MARY gives him the finger.

MARY: Seriously, You are omniscient?

JESUS: (whispering) It's much deeper than that.

MARY: Don't you know everything?

JESUS: It's not that simple.

MARY: Can't you go inside Your mind and see a vision from outer space that shows us where we are or something?

JESUS: (irritated) No, OK? No, Mary, I can't. No, I don't know everything. No, I don't get readouts in my head from orbiting satellites. No, I don't have the first BLEEPing clue where we are. You happy, Mary? I know BLEEP. (addressing the bus) Did everybody hear that?

They all nod.

MARY: Like sorry, Jesus. (muttering) Jesus...

Her eyes suddenly brighten.

MARY: Wait, wait, wait. Oh my God. Jesus. I know exactly what you should do. Don't go into Your mind like I first said. Float up in the sky for real.

JESUS: You got to be BLEEPing me.

MARY: No. I think it'll work.

JESUS: I think you're out of your freaking mind. No offense. Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence. But I really can't do that flying BLEEP. Its not like I'm Superman.

MARY: You're not? Wow. Like, I thought you're like God.

JESUS: Sorry to disappoint you.

They ride in silence.

MARY: So you're not right?

JESUS: Not what? Omniscient?

MARY: No. You're not, like, God?

JESUS: You really want to open that can of worms?

MARY: Yeah.

JUDAS: Yeah, JC. Open it! Stop dancing around the issue.

JESUS: Hey, I'm the son of God, you're the freaking accountant. The day you start telling me ...

JUDAS: (OS) I'm not telling! I'm asking!

JESUS: It sounds like telling to me, man.

JUDAS: (OS) Are you God? Yes or no? It's a legitimate question!

JOHN: (OS) Everyone please leave Jesus alone.

JESUS: You stay out of this! I don't need your freaking help!

JOHN: (OS) Fine!

More silence. Then Jesus turns to Mary.

JESUS: Listen, kid. I'm not trying to duck the question.

JUDAS: (OS) Why not? You're pretty damn good at it.

JESUS: Shut the hell up, Judas!


JESUS: See ... This God thing? It's complicated. You wouldn't ...

MARY: I'm not stupid!

JESUS: Yeah, you are. But I'll explain anyway. You see, Mary. God is in me and I'm in God and I am God but I'm human too and it gets real complicated. But I can't see through walls and I can't fly AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

JOHN: (OS) See what you're doing to Him? He's under a great deal of strain!

PETER: (OS) Wow. Amazing insight, John. Thanks for pitching in.

MARY M: You guys! Stop arguing! This is all just stupid anyway!

Everybody turns and looks at her.

MARY: Why not ask directions?

The RV backs up, making a beep-beep-beeping noise. It eventually reaches dry ground, then drives away.

Rolling again. JUDAS, talking one-on-one to a handheld camera. Everyone else is asleep. Except for Mary in her seat and PETER at the wheel.

JUDAS: So, after all that BLEEP, we finally hit the road. The day is shot, the next town's shut down by the time we get there. We find a Motel VI, like always. I do the books. Then I go up to His room, and it's not a pretty sight. The Apostles are lying around like they're stoned and He's got "Mary the Supposedly Ex-Prostitute" rubbing oil on his feet, like this foot massage deal. Oil, OK? The good stuff! Yeah, God Jr. spent all our money on oil for his favorite prostitute. And I'm telling myself, "OK, Judas. This time, don't bite your tongue. Deal with it" So I confront Him. And right away, He goes into one of His things, this passive-aggressive rant like He could die at any minute and I should really appreciate Him while I can. Like this rehearsed speech, OK? Like He's ready for me -- like He's been BLEEPing lying in wait for me to make me an example. You want to know what really burns my ass?


JUDAS: Next week, He'll totally forget this. He'll be like, "Wow, Judas. The money box is really light. Do you know anything about that?"

CAMERAMAN: (OS) You sound bitter.

JUDAS: No, no, no. Heh. I'm not bitter. I'm just thinking like a professional, man. I'm the only one here who understands math! Like, he invites a thousand people at the last minute and buys like five fish and a bread stick. "Wow, we forgot to order enough fish." Then He makes more fish! I'm just trying to do my job here. I don't want to be punished for doing my job. Or singled out like the freaking bad kid who gets sent to the corner. He's always doing that. Not that I don't appreciate Him. I mean ... He's a beautiful person.

MARY: "He's a beautiful person."

JUDAS: Eat BLEEP Mary, OK? (lowering voice) He's always making me the bad guy.

MARY: (OS) "He's always making me the bad guy."

JUDAS: Shut up, OK? Make yourself useful. Put your lips on BLEEP centurion's BLEEP and bring back some money.


JUDAS: (sotto voce) She's got a thing for me. That's why she busts my balls.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) You really think He makes you the bad guy?

JUDAS: I know He does. Yeah, He makes me the bad example, like Goofus in those old Highlights magazines. "See how Judas did it. That's what not to do." And He's always doing that, man. He sets me up to make a point, and I hate that. But I'm not bitter, to deal with your previous observation. There are tensions in any professional dynamic. He's a beautiful person, more importantly, He's got insights. Between you, me and 12 million viewers, I don't know about this God thing. But He's tapped into something, I know that. Ten years from now, we'll be running this country. So, it's worth it, OK?


Handheld camera now trained on MARY.

CAMERAMAN: So, the oil situation ...

MARY: I didn't buy it. It was like just there, OK? It seemed like a good idea.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Whose idea was it?

MARY: (hesitating) Mmm ... mine. Like, He looked all stressed out? And I kinda needed it, too. Like, I needed to make that connection. I was feeling, like, so unconnected.


MARY: 'Cause He's always pushing me away. Like all the time. Like this emotional wall? Normally, I deal. But today it was like in my face. He ignores me, won't even talk to me. Then He sees some other sinner with big tits, He's suddenly protective.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) What happened?

MARY: We went to, like, this village? Like this really, really shitty village where everyone poor? And the town square's like this rilly bad club for losers the good clubs throw out. Like a mob, y'know? Like all these losers had like rocks they're going to throw at this prostitute and she's like really scared? Then Jesus appears out of nowhere. He's just standing there like, "I'm your savior."  And He's all, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." And I'm all, "Hello? Like notice me, OK?" And He's like "I'm gonna visit the sinners and prostitutes." And I'm like, "You got a prostitute right here? Like, right under your nose? Like notice me? Cast a stone in my direction?" I, I know what I want is sex. I know what they want, too. But they're like in denial?

The camera pans away.

MARY M: Bring that back! I'm not done talking. Bring it back now.

Camera pans back to her.

MARY M: OK! What was I saying?

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Denial. Something about denial.

MARY: Yeah, yeah, right. These 12 guys have sex on the brain. Or maybe 11 -- forget I said that, huh? But I know what they're thinking.They can't hide it from me. These robes they wear -- that linen's like toilet paper. (snickers) Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about -- and never want to talk about.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Do you want to talk about it?

MARY: I want to talk about Jesus. Who does He think he is? I rilly wanna say that sometimes.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) But you don't.

MARY M: No. I kiss his ass. I'm Goody Two Shoes. Little Miss Suck-up.


MARY M: Why. Cause it's like, the pressure of public opinion, y'know? It's like everybody says, "Wow, he's like Mr. Messiah," like He's got this big new thing, like the flavor of the month, y'know? That's what they say. Like they're so really impressed with His theology -- like He's got a theology? I mean He just mumbles and He doesn't even answer when one of those old guys in black robes asks Him a question. Why are you looking at me like that? It's just a bra strap. God!

CAMERAMAN: (OS) I'm not ...

MARY M: OK, OK. What I just said? That's maybe not 100% true. Like He does ...

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Does what?

MARY: Answer, y'know? Like, I'm not saying He clams up. Those old guys will ask him, like, whatever? He'll say something, yeah, but it never makes any sense, y'know? I would totally love it if He asked them a question for once. Like ... "Hey, it's the desert. Why do you wear black robes?"

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Good question.

MARY: I know! And I thought of it. But who am I? Little Miss Nobody Whore, that's who. But all these disciples and these other chicks they're all like, "Oh, Jesus is the greatest, Jesus knows everything about God, we're like sooo in with Jesus because Jesus is sooo spiritual" -- that's such bullBLEEP, right? I know what they rilly want. Him, too. But He's so, like above it all.

CAMERAMAN: You want to bring Him down?

MARY: I want Him to be real! He's not like made of light and fairydust or whatever. He's just Him, you know? He's a guy, right? He's got a BLEEP under that robe.

CAMERAMAN: You're talking about sex again?

MARY: Yeah, I am. So what? I mean it's sex, it's all sex. Animal attraction, OK? He's got it baby. Woo-hoo! (snaps her fingers) Am I making you nervous?


MARY: Yeah, I am. That's what I do to guys. But sex is the magnet, it always is. Especially with You-Know-Who. Why do you think these losers are hanging around with an unemployed carpenter? You think it's spiritual? No way. I know why. They want Him! That's why they're so defensive because they don't want to admit it.

CAMERAMAN: Admit what? You keep insinuating ... what? The Apostles are gay?

MARY: No! Well, everybody's gay. But they're not like gay-gay. I meant like monkeys and surfers. There's always like an alpha male, and the other males want to hang out with him? I saw that on TV, like this nature show. They want Him like that.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) And you want Him ...

MARY: Like totally the other way. Wacka-wacka. And I know I want him, y'know? I'm just being honest but they're like hypocrites? I mean it's just like High School, like clicks, right? And they're all like, "Mary's not cool -- we're like better than Mary -- we're not going to let Mary play any reindeer games." Or whatever.You think you got enough material? I got a lot more to --


JOHN: The way I see it love is like the spokes on a wheel. There's love between man and God; there's the love between a man and a woman; there's friendship; there's family love and then there's the love between a man and a man. (pause) And I am not gay.


PETER: So no, I didn't tell Him about the guns. And you don't tell Him either, savvy? He don't need to know. I mean if the Romans go, "Hey, Jesus. You got any guns on the bus?" What's He gonna say? He's a big name, a public religious figure. Suppose He lies about that shit, then gets caught? That'd put Him in a compromising position in the eyes of the media, huh? I'm not gonna take that risk. Way I see it: I don't know what God's gonna tell Him to do next. And Jesus don't know about no guns. We're even.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) What if God tells him about the guns?

PETER: You know that never BLEEPing occurred to me.


More speeded-up, pop footage. Disciples and Jesus chicks shopping, trying on hats, standing on walls. Comic bit where Jesus knocks over money changers' tables and runs. Montage of the Last Supper... 

JUDAS doing another one-on-one.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Start at the beginning.

JUDAS: Yeah. Very good place to start, right? OK, anyway, it's Passover. Gonna have a nice meal, say all the stuff in the book, fill my pockets with trinkgeld. Shoulda been nice, OK? But I knew He's going to do it to me again. That Goofus and Gallant crap, OK?

CAMERAMAN: (OS) How did you know?

JUDAS: A BLEEPing burning bush warned me, OK? Hey, I'm just BLEEPing with you. Seriously, He told me in the lobby, before we sat down. He takes me aside, starts whispering. "This is a very special moment, Judas. I got a lot I wanna say. Spiritual stuff. So I don't wanna talk or think about money. Money's bad, that's in the Bible somewhere. So, you deal with the money, waiters, tips, whatever. It's Passover, how hard could it be? We'll order the same thing, split the check when I'm done. When I'm done, Judas. I can't stress that enough."

CAMERAMAN: (OS) Great imitation.

JUDAS: Thanks, man. Anyway, we eat, we talk, He says stuff, why is this day any different, yattayatta. All of a sudden, He goes off script -- I think He was talking about cannibalism or something, or maybe He just said, "Eat me." I hit the wine pretty early, OK? The details are kinda fuzzy.

CAMERAMAN: (OS) When did it go bad?

JUDAS: Right at the end, like always. The waiter brings the check. But there's more than one check! These rat bastard Apostles went behind my back and it's separate checks. Totally BLEEPing confused, stuff's crossed out, nobody knows what's what. So they start arguing. Who ordered the house wine? No, I'm not going to pay for that. Let's just split the tip. No, all I had was a matzoh, I'm not going to split the tip. And Jesus is like, "Handle it, Judas. Just pick up the check out of your own money, Judas. Just take everybody's shit, Judas." So I said -- "I'm outta here. I'm not going to pay. This time I'm not going to pay."

CAMERAMAN: (OS)  Then what happened?

JUDAS: Well, you filmed it, right?

EXT, garden - night
JESUS and friends are praying. JUDAS enters with a bunch of Roman soldiers.

JUDAS: Jesus! Who loves you, baby?

JESUS: God, you sound like Kojak, man.

JUDAS walks up and kisses him, then turns to the Romans. He points at JESUS, who is wiping his cheek with the back of his hand.

JUDAS: It's that guy.

JESUS: Aw, man.

JUDAS: Now you're going to pay, Jesus. Now you're gonna pay.

The Romans advance.

JUDAS: "One big check" my ass! He had the house special and the appetizer and the wine. Don't let him skip!

The Romans advance. PETER leaps in with an automatic weapon and shoots them all.

JESUS: What'd you do that for? I'm supposed to get crucified!

PETER: Yeah, right. So the goyim could blame the Jews forever? Forget it, hoss. Let's roll.

JESUS: Wow. (looking at pile of dead Centurions) We better blame terrorists or something. Are there terrorists in this alternate reality?

PETER: Shitloads.

JESUS: Nice. Hey Judas. Be a pal. Settle-up the tab, then haul ass to the RV. We'll meet up where my Dad rained down fire on that village over the hill. Thanks in advance, man.

JUDAS: You motherBLEEP.

The RV drives off.

Private sulks. Nobody's talking. 

Finally ...

JUDAS: Hey Jesus. I'm sorry, OK? Really.

JESUS: I forgive you, Judas.

JUDAS: Yeah, thanks...

JESUS: Don't thank Me. I'm the Savior. That's my job.

JUDAS: You're good at it, Jesus.

JESUS: Yeah. And you get blamed for everything. That's your job.

They drive in silence for awhile.

JESUS: So. No harm no foul?

JUDAS: No ... What are you talking about?

JESUS: Loose ends, dummy. Did we leave any?

JUDAS: Peter got rid of the bodies.

JESUS: Yeah. It was worth the extra time. Better to have a chainsaw and not need it and need it and not have it. Right, Peter?

PETER: Amen, bro.

JESUS: Anything else?

JUDAS: Not that I can think of.

JESUS: What about the bill?

JUDAS doesn't answer.

JESUS: I mean you paid, right?

JUDAS doesn't say anything.

JESUS: Tell me you paid.

JUDAS: Well, that'd be lying, 'K? You're down on that BLEEP. Last time I checked.

JESUS: Aw, c'mon. Seriously? You didn't pay?

JUDAS: Not a freaking shekel.

JESUS: You stiffed the Passover Hut?

Silence. Road noises....long pause.

JUDAS: Yeah I stiffed the Passover Hut.

More uncomfortable silence.

JESUS: Eh, BLEEP it. We're Christians now, who gives a BLEEP? Let's go make people feel guilty about having sex! Who's with me?

Everybody cheers.

Except for MARY M.

The RV drives off into the sunset.

Creepy "GREASER'S PALACE" ending follows after break.

Lots of quick cutting, reaction shots... Another long pause...droning, hypnotic road noises.

JESUS: (suddenly shouting) Hey I just thought of something!


JESUS: Sorry. But I mean if I'm not...if they didn't...



PETER: Yeah. We found somebody else. A Lebanese...

JESUS: Oh man that's cold. Some poor guy's like...

PETER: No, it's a woman.

JESUS: A woman?

PETER: Yeah. Some girl...

JESUS: What girl?

PETER: (handing Jesus a photograph) That girl...

JESUS: Ah's Marlo Thomas!

PETER: Psyche!

They laugh. The RV drives off into the desert. Swirling winds blow, obscuring everything with dust. The camera pans down... To an Easter basket, suddenly abandoned, its chocolate eggs spilled, melting in the sun, and no Easter Bunny in sight as the sky suddenly darkens and we... Fade out. Go to: credits. Teaser next show.

Say testing testing.l

Testing, testing.;

You’re good.

Ww. I feel like I’m wearing a wire. The meth is int the teddy bear. The meth is the teddy bear. Can I start?

Any time. 

Great. This is the part where I complain, right? Oh poor me. Listen I got nothing to complain about. Yu still want tot alk?

Say whatever you want.

Whatever you want. Hey, I’m just messing with you. How you doing/


You like your ojob

I love myjob

Yeah you really do How do you like u7s? Pain in the ass, right

No it’s a great assignment.

Yeah, great TV, that’s what you really mean. And I know why. We  bicker


Yeah, you know. Squabble, bicker, bitch. Oh, poor me. Oh you hurt my feelings, pay attention t me don’t judge me, I want more money. They squabble.It looks good on the tube but it’s a pain in the ass.

People are people.

Yeah you’re right and that’s my fault do you believe in me

Well, you’re right there.

God anwswer it’s not like im the freaking easter bunny or something how do you like this planet

It’s a nice planet

Thank you. So what’s the problem?

I dunno.

JESUS: There’s no problem, that’s the correct answer.

Why are people such jerks.

JESUS: You coulda said people ae jerks cause you made em that way, ut that’s not true. You make yoursecvles jerks. You in general you.

People make their own problems?

JESUS: Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m saying. People make their own problems. God, I sound like that guy from EST who won’t let you go to the bathroom. But it’s true, even if that jerk said it. People make their own problems.Aside from a few tsunamis and a mountain lion or two. Maybe cancer, but you get the idea. Here’s a parable that might clear things up you know what a parable is?

A really boring story.

JESUS: Exactl;y Here goes. 9does a drum roll with his hand son the table) and lo it came to pass in those days that the village idiot did grasp into his hands a rubber hammer. And he didst whack himself in the face with it repeatedly, even so that he cried with great pain ow this freaking hurts" tho he continued to pound himself.likehe was tenderizing meat  Great was is vexation, and he search high and low for deliverance while he continued to smash his face. And in the city where they did that thing, he came upon a wise man. "O deliver me, o wise mean" he didst cry, "for my face is like unto a mass of bruises. And the wise men didst say unto him, "Then stop hitting your self and the idiot replied unto him o and didst even stop and the pain was no more once te swelling went down. Get the point?

Are yu god?

JESUS: Oh, not that again. Do you really want to discuss theology


JESUS: Neither do i. listen. I got a very simple message for you people. Stop being assholes.

That’s it. It’ll solve all your problems.

What aboutr ‘Do unto others as you would havbe them do unto you?’

JESUS: Are you out of your freaking mind? Listen, I never said that crap, that’s the press putting words in my mouth. Do unto others? How’d that work with a masochist, like that guy who put a wife htrough hispenis? You want him doin unto you lke he wants you doing unto him. No freaking way. Stick with “Don’t be an asshole.” It’s easy to remember and it works.

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