"I'll be Stalking You"

(to the tune of Sting's "Every Breath You Take")

When you take a nap, when you take a crap
When you take a break
When you grill a steak, I'll be stalking you
Every single day and every word you say
Recorded every day!
Call the cops on me
Get in your car and flee
I'll be stalking you
Oh can't you see I must make you bleed?
How my poor heart aches to stab you with a rake!
One day you will be gone, lost without a trace
I dream at night
Of making you erased
My telescope reveals your frilly lace
The police can’t find my secret hiding place
You can’t escape my cold, deranged embrace
Oh can't you see that you can’t be saved?
How my poor heart aches for your unmarked grave!
Your restraining order
Hurt my feelings, babe!
So you’re scared of me?
You think I’m a creep?
I’ll be stalking you
The voices in my head
Say you must be dead!
You can change your name
You can change your face
Move to outer space
I’ll be stalking you

Comedian's note: Yeah, yeah. I know. A song from the first POV of a psycho stalker. Yeah, the laughs just keep coming. T'aint funny, McGee. Well it is to me. Gallows humor is my default setting.

BTW, I actually like Sting. Just saying this particular song of his has always given me a serious dose of the creeps. Also can't help noticing how many of my friends, of both the XY and XX chromosonal descriptions, have restraining orders their own designated stalkers.