Online

(to the tune of Petula Clarke's Downtown)

When you're alone and you know you've got no life
You can always go - online
You're a fat pizza face with no social skills
But your zits won't show - online
Just listen to the parrot-screeching rhythm of the modem
Chicks are getting wet down there, dudes scratching at their scrotums
And there's no STDs

The fights are much louder there
You can say "Fuck your mother," and nobody cares
So go online, everyone's waiting there
Online - some masturbating there
Online - everyone's waiting for you

Middle-aged artist sexual fulfillment foundation

Open on photo of CARL. Craggy looking face, receding hairline. That !@#$ lost little boy look in his eyes.

NARRATOR: (posh British accent O.S.) Carl is an artist. Carl is represented in some of the nation's finest museums, galleries and collections, but Carl is unhappy. He is goatlike and 45 years old. Carl is tired of his wife. His wife is tired of Carl. Sadly, other women don't like him. Well, young women.

Young women are Carl's inspiration. The reason he creates.

Won't you help?

You can. Some of you. If you're a young woman between the ages of 18 and 27, three weekends a month is all it takes. Simply submit to Carl's voracious sexual needs. Tell him he's a great artist. Listen to his tales of woe and take him seriously. The transformation will begin.

Carl will begin painting again. You are his muse, the light in his eyes. It takes so much and means so little. He might even paint you.

Operators are standing by.