Bailout Blues

Tossing billions of dollars at the fatcats who got us into this mess is kind of like writing big checks for compulsive gamblers.

INT, BAR - NIGHT

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER glumly nurses a drink, keeps stealing glances at football game on the wall-mounted TV, mumbling something about the point spread. UNCLE SAM walks up to him.

UNCLE SAM: What's the problem?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Oh, no problem.

UNCLE SAM: How's work going?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Ah ... work? Work. Work's fine. The bank had a good year. That's not the -- Look. I need a loan! Short term, OK. Short term. Just to tide me over.

UNCLE SAM: What ...

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I dipped in the till, OK?

UNCLE SAM: Jesus. Not again.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Yeah. Again. I'm sorry. I blew it all at the track! I thought --

UNCLE SAM: You though you had a sure thing.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I'm gonna lose the bank--

UNCLE SAM: You're gonna go to prison.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I deserve it! It's not me I'm worried about. When the Feds find out, I'll have to lay everybody off, call in the loans. The ripple effect! God, it's killing me. All those people and their families ... not to mention the foreclosures.

UNCLE SAM: How much do you want?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I can't tell you ...$700.

UNCLE SAM: Million?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Billion. Billion dollars.

UNCLE SAM: OK.

Takes out checkbook. Starts writing a check.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I'm good for it! I'll make it up.

UNCLE SAM: Here ...

UNCLE SAM reaches out check -- but doesn't give it.

UNCLE SAM: This all goes for jobs.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Sure.

UNCLE SAM: No layoffs. No downsizing. Loan this money out, OK?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: OK.

UNCLE SAM: You promise?

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: I promise. I swear to God. On my mother's grave.

UNCLE SAM: She's not dead.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: You know what I mean.

UNCLE SAM: I'm going to regret this.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: No you won't. (takes check) I can't thank you enough. Listen. On my word of honor, I will not let you down.

EXT, RACETRACK - DAY

The COMPULSIVE GAMBLER is screaming.

COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Come on baby! Come on!