Zombie Shakespeare

EXT, CASTLE PARAPET - NIGHT

Hamlet walks.

HAMLET: All along the watchtower
I doth keep the view.
Me nuncle bangs me mummy.
I know not what to do.
Thus brood I shall ...

GHOST: (O.S.) Hamlet!

HAMLET: To be, or not to be
That is the ...

GHOST: Hamlet!

HAMLET: Bugger'd be these interruptions!

The "GHOST" appears.

GHOST: I am thy father's spirit.

HAMLET: Alas, poor ghost!

HORATIO bursts out of a door holding an axe.

HORATIO: 'Tis no ghost my Lord!

Smashes Zombie's head in with axe.

HAMLET: A corpse 'tis! But it doth walk!
What manner of monstrance be such thing?

HORATIO: A zombie such are named, good prince.
'Tis dead yet undead. It lives yet liveth not!

HAMLET: Thou doublest thy talk.

HORATIO: (wiping blood from sleeve) Thou stainst my doublet.

Hamlet looks at zombie corpse.

HAMLET: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!
O, horrible! O, horrible! most horrible!

HORATIO: Three times horrible. Aye.

HAMLET: It stinketh!

HORATIO: Aye.

HAMLET: It rotteth!

HORATIO: Rot and stink 'twere ever twinned.

HAMLET: I puketh.

HORATIO: Puketh thou not upon my person!
Athwart the parapet!

Hamlet pukes over the castle wall -- over the theater apron, natch. The puke is, uh, mimed. No actual puke.

HAMLET: Heugghhhhhh!

Horatio walks to edge of stage and looks down.

HORATIO: Behold! The zombie doth slip upon thine puke on steps below!

HAMLET: (looking down) More doth come!

HORATIO: Aye. And more and more.

HAMLET: Whence cometh?

HORATIO: Sweden, my'Lord.
From fens and fiords
and Svens and Bjorgs
They rise!

HAMLET: Oh most foul!
But ripeness is all.

HORATIO: (wrinkling nose) Aye. 'Tis ripe indeed.

HAMLET: Make fast the castle!
Prepare for siege!

HORATIO: Say what, my liege?

HAMLET: Prepare for siege!
The zombies come anon!

Lights off. Back on.

INT CASTLE

Zombie-Ophelia advances on Hamlet. He's standing next to something draped with a sheet.

OPHELIA: Good Hamlet!

HAMLET: Get thee to a nunnery -- in hell!

Removes sheet -- revealing canon. Fires cannon. Spatter effect.

HAMLET: (shouting) Said I not
That door should closed be?
What dicks surround me!

Walks to stage front center.

HAMLET: And yet I'll speak my mind.
Strange interlude shall I have!
'Tis soliloquy time.

Thus barfed and bitten
Puked and punk'd
I stand yet fall.
Bring on the noise, bring in the funk!
Distract me not, undead!
My purpose shall I hold.
Yet still upon the very crack
Of fortune's arse!
The cursed incest
Whacks and tacks the very frackenback
Of time!
Mine aim is true.
With mummer's art ...
I'll catch the conscience of the king.
Behold -- the play within a play!

Hamlet opens door.

There's a scene of mayhem and screaming.

HAMLET: Or 'twas.

CLAUDIUS: (O.S.) Help good Hamlet! Help!

HAMLET: I canst not, nuncle.

CLAUDIUS: 'Twas thy plan!

HAMLET: No! 'Tis improv all.

CLAUDIUS: They rip my flesh!
They eateth me!

HAMLET: Art zombies. 'Tis what they do.

CLAUDIUS: Eaggghhh!

HAMLET: Other than that good nucle
Didst thou enjoy the play?

CLAUDIUS: Eaaaaaaaggh.

QUEEN GERTRUDE: Help, O Hamlet ...

HAMLET: Sorry, mum.

Shuts door.

HAMLET: In one night this play doth close.
Tis pity.
(to servant)
Set fire to this place.
Attend thy nose.
(indicates booger)

He runs up and down the stage with commanding presence. Gestures to stupid-looking Peasants holding shovels.

HAMLET: Trenches dig, both here and here!
With shovels shove!

PEASANT: (holding shovel) I know not what thy speak, m'Lord.
Which end to hold. Which end to shove.

HAMLET: Thou dope!
(grabs shovel)
I teach thee now the shoveler's art.
Dig so!

Jumps in ditch. Starts digging.

Sound: CLINK!

PEASANT: A clink, I think.

HAMLET: 'Tis skull!

Holds up skull.

HAMLET: Alas poor Yorick
I knew him ...

The skull's jaws open.

YORICK: Eaarrghhhhh!

HAMLET: Oh fuck unholy!

Throws skull

LAERTES: Jester's jaw doth bite mine arse!
Thy joke skills not!

HAMLET: The teeth upon thine end doth bring an end to thee!
Death comes swiftly through the eye!

Stabs Laertes through eye.

LAERTES: Fucking kiddeth me thou musteth be.

HAMLET: I kidst thee not.

LAERTES: Oh death .. doth hurt a lot.

Falls.

HAMLET: Oh poor Laertes.
(to Servants) Burn these bodies, hold all calls!
Dig now with passion's speed!

A Soldier runs up.

SOLDIER: My Lord!

HAMLET: What now the fuck?

SOLDIER: Rosencrantz and Gildenstern
Are undead!

HAMLET: This day doth suck.

Zombies appear and converge on Hamlet from both ends of the stage.

HAMLET: The rest is silence.