Chumps and rumors of chumps

"And it shall come to pass that a chump with a slide rule will predict the Second Coming. And lo, many shall be the chumps that believe in him, yet though he be wrong again and again, like unto Charlie Brown with the football, they shall trust unto him, for the land will be thick with chumps in those days, even beyond measure."
                                                                                                -- First Evasions, Chapter 11, Verse 1

Pedophilia epidemic explained

Back in the 1960s, Pope Paul VI wanted more foot doctors in the Catholic Church to help with the throbbing, fungus-ridden feet of missionaries in tropical countries. He told his advisors to take out full-page ads in Podiatrist Magazine proclaiming "PRIESTS WANTED. WE NEED YOUR SKILLS!" Sadly, they misunderstood his order ...

... and placed the ad in the wrong magazine.

Osama in the Water Song

(to the tune of Harry Nilsson's "Cocoanut")

Osama took a bullet, yeah he caught it in the eye

A Moe Green special, now where we dump this guy?

You put Osama in the water, just dump him in the drink.

Put Osama in the water, ain’t got time to think.

They dumped his ass in the ocean, he sank below the brine.

The sailors on the deck all cheered and said, “Well ain’t that fine?”

Reporters said, "Hey, what’s the hurry? They’ll all think that it’s a fake.

Who gave the freaking order to deep-six this here sheik?”

Obama said, “Hey man, ease up, you’re just a little bit too late.

He was stinking in the sun and could not escape his fate.”

"Now let me get this straight …

You dumped Osama in the water, just plopped him in the drink.

Put Osama in the water, and you did not stop to think.

Dumped his ass in the ocean, he sank below the brine."

Obama said, “Best think ahead son. We can’t afford a shrine.”

Reporters said, "Obama. They’re gonna say that it’s a fake.

Conspiracy theory crazies, you know, they all will belly ache.

Like UFOs and Hitler’s skull, we’ll deal with this for years."

Obama scowled and said, “I know. You’d best dry up your tears.

I put Osama in the water, just dumped him in the drink.

Put Osama in the water; ain’t had time to think.

Dumped his ass in the ocean; he sank below the brine.

He’s a freaking supervillain – and his name’s too close to mine.”