EXT, SKY. Rocky's flying around a flaming, smoking X-Plane plunging straight down to Mother Earth.
Announcer: (OS) We leave Rocky in a valiant attempt to rescue Gary Powers from his X-Plane's death-spiral toward certain doom.
Bullwinkle: (in X-Plane cockpit, wearing pilot's helmet) I'm not really Gary Powers, kids. The story's kinda complicated.
Announcer: Thousands of miles away, Boris and Natasha have been spelunking in the caves of Turkmenistan. This improbable vacation is a last-ditch attempt to rekindle their failing romance. But they discover a fire of a different kind ...
INT, CAVE. Natasha Fatale and Boris Badanov confront a ghastly hellmouth.
Natasha: You see what I see, Boris?
Boris: Is metaphysical question, Natasha. Am high-school drop-out, OK? How should I know?
Natasha: Is horrible pit to hell, Boris!
Boris: As opposed to nice pit to hell?
Natasha: Is not time to be funny, Boris.
Boris: You can say that again.
Natasha: Is not time to …
Boris: Shaddup! Fearless Leader is here.
Fearless Leader is, indeed, standing right behind them.
Natasha: Hello, Fearless Leader.
Fearless Leader: “Hello” pfui! Big problem this is!
Boris: No kidding! Big problem for entire humanity!
Fearless Leader: No, stupid idiot. Big problem for you!
Boris: Ho-boy. Is blame-shifting time?
Fearless Leader: No, Boris. Is time now I pin big heroic medal on your chest.
Boris: Really, Fearless Leader?
Fearless Leader: Really, Boris. Cross heart and hope to die.
Boris: Ho-boy! I fall to my knees Fearless Leader! (Boris does.) Thank you so …
Natasha: Fearless Leader is f**king with you, Boris.
Boris: Wash mouth out with soap, Natasha! Is insult to …
Fearless Leader: Natasha is right, Boris. Natasha is always smart one—and much more sexy.
Natasha: (whispering) Please to get up, Boris.
Boris: OK, OK. Eccch. So embarrassing.
(Boris stands up.)
Fearless Leader: Is touching relationship.
Boris: Not lately.
Fearless Leader: Shaddup! Sexy or not, Natasha is scapegoat, too. Is nothing personal.
Unholy, guttural howls emerge from the flaming vortex.
Natasha: The devil things are making bad noise in hellhole, Fearless Leader.
Fearless Leader: “Hellhole”…?
Natasha points.
Natasha: Rip in space-time continuum, dimensional vortex … whatever. Such terminology is unclear to me, Fearless Leader. Is not my area of training, OK?
Fearless Leader: “Training” … pfui! You are covering for loser boyfriend!
Boris: Am not loser.
Natasha: Is not boyfriend.
Fearless Leader: Shaddup! This hole is “Boris Hole,” obviously. Name is written all over it!
Boris: Is not.
Fearless Leader: I now take closer look.
Natasha: Please not to be getting too close Fearless …
Fearless Leader: Aggghhhh!
Fearless Leader plunges into the hellmouth. Boris and Natasha watch his descent with a mixture of relief and horror.
Boris: Ho-boy. Is loss of recurring character, Natasha. Now what?
Natasha: Now we cut to commercial, Boris. All problems will go away.
Boris: You think, Natasha? Pfui! Is something stupid Americans believe!
Natasha: Is American show, Boris. Wave goodbye.
Boris and Natasha wave. Screams emerge from the gaping wound in time and space.
Cut to — whatever.
Announcer: (OS) Are we back? Wow. That was ... Hi kids! Uh. Don't forget to buy more Cheerios! Or whatever it was. And be sure to tune in to next week's exciting episode of "Rocky and Bullwinkle." Assuming the world is still here. Don't ask me. Nobody tells me anything.
Bullwinkle: (OS) Oh boo-hoo-hoo. You don't hear me complaining.
EXT, view of Bullwinkle inside the doomed X-Plane's cockpit. Rocky's flying around, desperately trying to pry it open.
Rocky: Hang in there, pal.
Bullwinkle: Anything you say, Rock. Anything you say.
(C) 2020 Marty Fugate. All rights reserved.
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