Sunday, May 1, 1994

The Time Vampire


A woman, working at her computer. A caped figure enters. A classic, shlocky Dracula-type character. None of that "Interview with a Vampire" shit.

WOMAN: Who are you?

TIME VAMPIRE: I am the Time Vampire, ha-ha-ha.

WOMAN: OK. Look, I'm really very busy.

TIME VAMPIRE: Yes. I can see that.

WOMAN: Can you come back tomorrow?


WOMAN: What do you want?

TIME VAMPIRE: Only your time. Just a little. At first.

WOMAN: Yeah. I've got stuff to do, OK?

The TIME VAMPIRE looks wounded and starts to go.

WOMAN: I'm sorry. That was rude of me. How can I help you?

TIME VAMPIRE: Look into my eyes.

WOMAN: Excuse me?

He walks up to her and leans over her desk.


She looks into his eyes.

TIME VAMPIRE: What do I want? Your time, my dear. I will feed upon your time. I will suck your time!


TIME VAMPIRE: Yes! Look into my eyes! I will tell you stories ...

WOMAN: ... that have no point.

TIME VAMPIRE: Yes! Stories that have no point! You think you can stop me by finishing my sentences? Ah-ha-ha! That only makes me talk more!

Lightning flashes.

WOMAN: OK. You tell stories that have no point. And?

TIME VAMPIRE: And I will tell you stories that have no point! And more stories that have no point! You cannot speed me up! It is not enough to say: I went to New York City. I will describe my trip to the airport in excruciating detail. I will tell you about the cab driver's hat!

WOMAN: You're a lousy storyteller.

TIME VAMPIRE: (hisses) Foolish woman! Do not try to summarize or make my point for me. My anecdote is like a record! It must play from beginning to end! But there is no end, ha-ha-ha!

Lightning flashes.


TIME VAMPIRE: Yes! I will feed upon your time! I will suck your time dry! You are helpless to prevent it! As I was saying, I will tell you about the cab driver's hat. It was a porkpie hat. Black. It was the hat the cab-driver was wearing. You know? The one on top of his head! Why do I say this? The detail has no significance! Are you expecting a punch line! Abandon such foolish hope! I am not Spalding Gray -- I am simply long-winded!

WOMAN: Wow, look at the time.

TIME VAMPIRE: Look at the time? The time is now my time. Your time belongs to me!

Lightning flashes.

TIME VAMPIRE: I will ignore your pitiful hints! You can look at the clock all you like! You can say "It was really great talking to you," "I'll have to get back to you," "Wow, I better get back to work" -- it will do you no good! Your glazed eyes and stifled yawns mean nothing to me! I will keep talking and talking! If I reach the end of a story, it will remind me of another story! You cannot get me out of here! There is nothing you can do!

VAN HELSING:(OS) Don't bet on it.

TIME VAMPIRE: (not breaking eye contact) Van Helsing! (hissing) You have no business here!

VAN HELSING: I'm making it my business.

TIME VAMPIRE: I'm in the middle of a story!

VAN HELSING: You're always in the middle of a fucking story.

TIME VAMPIRE: Stop interrupting! (to the WOMAN) Now look into my eyes ...

VAN HELSING: He has one weakness! It's your only hope.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.

She whips out a cross.

TIME VAMPIRE: Ah, the cross. It reminds me of my trip to Spain ...

VAN HELSING: Not the cross, dumbass! Rudeness!

TIME VAMPIRE: No. Shut up!

VAN HELSING: Tell him he's a fucking bore.

WOMAN: It'll hurt his feelings.

VAN HELSING: It's you're only hope. Do it!

TIME VAMPIRE: Catalonia, really. The culture is truly unique. As well as the food!

WOMAN: You're a fucking bore.


VAN HELSING: Tell him to get the fuck out.

WOMAN: Get the fuck out.

The TIME VAMPIRE screams and bursts into flame.

They study the burned-out hole in the carpet.

VAN HELSING: You want to grab a coffee?

WOMAN: Yeah.

They leave.

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