Sunday, November 14, 1993

And while we're on the subject ...

An open letter to Charlie the Tuna...

Stop trying to get an audition with Starkist. It's not an audition. Yes, the name of the product includes the word "star." That doesn't mean they want to make you a star. They don't want to put you in show business, you idiotic Phil Silvers lookalike. THEY'RE GOING TO KILL YOU. They're going to chop you up into little pieces and put you in a can. That's what the Starkist people do to tuna. Unlucky dolphins too. Do you want that? Is a death wish at work here?

I don't think so. You're not suicidal. You're a dreamer. But it's time to stop dreaming. It's time to accept your life as it is. A career in cinema does not await you, Charlie. You're a fish who wears sunglasses and a beret. Get used to it. And stop tugging on that hook before they kill you.

Sorry, Charlie.

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