Friday, August 26, 1994

Natural Born Clowns


Two CLOWNS walk in -- a guy clown and a girl clown. One of them is holding a seltzer bottle. The fat MANAGER looks them up and down with amusement.

MANAGER: What're you gonna do...spritz me with that thing?

CLOWN #1 smiles and sprays him in the face.

MANAGER: Ahhh, my eyes!

Instinctively, his hands shoot up to his eyes. The second he does this, the other clown viciously gut-punches him. The MANAGER folds up like a pocket-ruler. One more club to the head with the seltzer bottle and he's down. CLOWN #1 smashes the seltzer bottle to the floor and pulls out a gun. CLOWN #2 pulls out another gun.

CLOWN #2: I say we waste these fucks, whaddya say?

CLOWN #1: I dunno Clowny-bunny.

CLOWN #2: We got any heroes here? Anybody wanna be a hero?

The camera pans to the people sitting in the diner. We see a long table. Sitting at the table are all the "Superfriends" -- Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, etc. They all shake their heads no.

CLOWN #2: Gimme your fuckin' wallets!

They do.

Cut to the two CLOWNS driving away in a large, brightly colored clown-car with big bouncy wheels. CLOWN #2 is counting the take.

CLOWN #2: "Super Friends"...(snorting) "Super Fags" is more like it.

CLOWN #1: You think the police will be after us?

CLOWN #2: (pulling condom with large "S" from Superman's wallet) No.

CLOWN #1: Why not, Clowny-bunny?

CLOWN #2: 'Cause we're wearing this clown makeup, dumbass. They'll never recognize us!

EXT, view of clown car driving away comically down the road, obvious as all get-out.**

[I actually dreamed this, more or less as is. Ever now and then, your subconscious gives you one for free.]

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