Wednesday, February 15, 1995

X-Files Scooby Doo

Be nice if the X-Files and Scooby Doo switched plots ...

INT, WAREHOUSE, NIGHT

SHAGGY: Gee, this warehouse is creepy!

SCOOBY: Reh! Reepy!

FRED: OK, gang. (shouting) Another mystery, solved! (turns on light)

The light reveals a sickening scene. The warehouse is filled with jars of dead alien fetuses. Fred doesn't see it yet.

FRED: OK, Old Mill Keeper. I know you're in there! You can take off your mask now!

SHAGGY: Like, I don't think that's the Old Mill Keeper. It looks more like lotsa dead alien fetuses.

FRED: Dead alien ... (he looks) Ohmygod! (he chokes)

SCOOBY: Reh! Rohmyrod! (vomits)

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: "Rod" can't help you now. (nods head)

Men in white coats grab SCOOBY.

SCOOBY: Roh! Relp!

The Scooby Gang advances. Two thugs in black trenchcoats immediately raise machine guns. The Scooby Gang stops in their tracks, helpless.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Take him away.

The men in white coats take SCOOBY away. The dudes with machine guns keep the Scooby Gang in their sites.

SCOOBY: Ry rate roo!

SHAGGY: What are you, like, doing with Scooby?

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Scooby will be destroyed.

VELMA: Destroyed? You can't destroy Scooby!

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Apparently, I can.

VELMA: It's not right.

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: It's necessary.

DAPHNE: Why?

CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN: Scooby is — was — an experiment. Nothing more. Clearly, his speech processing is defective. We'll keep trying. As for you kids ... Well, you can't make an intelligent, talking canine assassin without breaking eggs, can you? (to thugs) You know what to do.

BLACK.

OPEN — INT — ABANDONED SALT MINE
MULDER and SCULLY emerge from a rickety cage elevator. They walk through the debris on the mine floor. MULDER shines a flashlight ahead.

MULDER: OK, Scully.

SCULLY: I don't like this Mulder.

MULDER: Hey, I just bought these shoes. I don't like it either.

SCULLY: Where are we going?

MULDER: Area 42.

SCULLY: Area 42? You're kidding.

MULDER: I wish I was. Area 41 is a diversionary tactic, Scully. This is where it really happens. Better duck your head.

SCULLY: Ow!

They enter a dark corridor, walk, emerge. MULDER turns on light. We see an enormous, carved out, rectilinear cavern, the hollow core of the old salt mine. In the center, there's a fucking huge flying saucer, canted on its side.


SCULLY: What am I looking at?

MULDER: Smoke and mirrors, Scully. An alien-human hybrid breeding program that began at the moment of James Carville's birth. They can't hide it any longer. And here's the being responsible —

Shines flashlight at a hideous, organic-looking sack hanging from the cavern's ceiling. Something living is inside. Mulder rips it open. We see a writhing alien -- one of the grays with big black eyes. He reaches for it. Rips off the mask --

MULDER: The Old Mill Keeper!

OLD MILL KEEPER: Yeah, sure! And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!

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