Wednesday, June 16, 1999


Smug, fat RICH GUY sitting in pew with his cornfed, beefy family.

ANNOUNCER: (OS) You’re rich. You love the Bible. You just can’t stand what it says.

RICH GUY flips through Gideon’s Bible. Reacts with disgust

RICH GUY: Blessed are the poor? Eye of the needle … held all their goods in common? (throws Bible) Who wrote the damn Bible, Karl Marx?

ANNOUNCER: Good question. As far as we can tell, some first century commies filled the Bible with pinko propaganda.

A huddle of dirty FIRST-CENTURY COMMIES writing on scrolls.
COMMIE #1: If you own two coats, give one away.
COMMIE #2: Love it, comrade!
They chortle with Marxist delight.

ANNOUNCER: Well, we’ve taken the propaganda out! The New Republican Bible corrects all those errors. Here’s a dramatization of the Sermon on the Mount featuring the new, improved Republichrist!

HILL ON JERUSALEM – 1st century AD
A limo pulls up. REPUBLICHRIST steps out, wearing a three-piece suit that costs more than most people’s homes. Crowd reacts with astonishment at this shiny anachronism.

REPUBLICHRIST: (striding to shaded platform at top of hill) How you doing, how you doing. Good to see you people. OK. Let’s get through these bullet points. (looks at teleprompter) Could somebody …

REPUBLICHRIST snaps fingers. A FLUNKY turns on the teleprompter.

REPUBLICHRST: Great. OK ... Blessed are ...

Coughs. Snaps fingers. FLUNKY hands him chilled bottle of Perrier. REPUBLICHRIST drinks. Gives winning smile to crowd. Continues.

REPUBLICHRIST: Blessed are the rich in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of stuff.
Blessed are those with a positive attitude for they shall get more stuff.
Blessed are the strong, for they shall kick the crap out of the meek.
And take their stuff.
Blessed are those who are filled with their own self-righteousness.
For they shall always be right.
Blessed are the well-armed, for they shall defend their homes.
Blessed are the war-makers, for they shall make others see God.
Blessed are those who are persecute
‘Cause God loves a winner.
Blessed are those who don’t take any crap and get their reward now.
For this is heaven on earth for those …

Stops. Pager vibrating. Checks it out. Looks irritated.

REPUBLICHRIST: (muttering) Herod again. Needy bastard. (to crowd) Hey, I gotta run, people. It’s been real. (to FLUNKY) Move those t-shirts, OK?


LEPER: Heal me!

A FLUNKY beats the crap out of the LEPER with a nightstick. Throws nightstick away with disgust.

REPUBLICHRIST: (low voice to FLUNKY) Thanks. Give him a t-shirt, OK?  Maybe the tape series.

Waves goodbye to crowd. They cheer.


  1. This ham-handed sketch was a response to a discussion thread on the ACLU message boards. The thread bashed poisonous effects of religion on American politics. I argued that internalized morality codes, religious or otherwise, made Capitalism possible. (I.e., if enough people lie, cheat and steal and break their promises, the system breaks down.) A cop in your head is better than the real thing. MShark, BadCog et al pointed out that human hypocrisy created infinite wiggle room. I agreed (posting sketch as example) but said enough moral people existed that internalized codes still matter. Was ironically praised for contortionist, gutless even-handedness. Which side are you on, etc.

  2. Morality is an inside job. The Universal Golden rule found in all religious teachings tells us to treat other people the same way that we would want to be treated. Love thy neighbor as thyself. is the most important commandment ever. It infers that all men (and women) are our brothers (and sisters.)