Satan Claus

Satan Claus

ANNOUNCER: (ridiculously cheery) Yes Children, it's Christmas time again! Time to visit the winterwonderland of Santa's workshop!

(We see a row of elves--miserable, sweating elves--working frantically to produce toys. Santa appears with a bullwhip. He kicks one of the elves off a stool and begins whipping him.)

SANTA: WORK! WORK YOU MANGY ELVES! CHRISTMAS IS COMING...

(Santa notices us.) Christmas...yes. Ever wonder about Christmas, eh?  Buy buy buy! Sell sell sell! The pressure! The insanity! All the time ignoring you-know-who...

(We see a lonely, sad, old-timey preacher in an empty church).

SANTA: All the time celebrating materialism! Greed!

(We see a shot of frantic shoppers at the mall.

Santa: Christmas has become MY HOLIDAY. When all the world worships ME hahaha. Ever wonder who I am?

(At a blackboard, Santa points out the anagram of SANTA and SATAN).

Santa: I've been working...steadily WORKING, yes. For two thousand years I've waited. I have built my following. My Kingdom grows. Now the time has come...

(SANTA leaps into his sled, which flies into the air. The reindeer have a hideous, glazed, undead look in their eyes.)

(Cut to ground level. People are looking up at the sky as in the old Superman show. We can hear SANTA's voice filling the world...)

SANTA: WORSHIP ME!  I BRING YOU PRESENTS! I BRING YOU YOUR HEART'S DESIRE...ANYTHING YOU WANT IS YOURS IF YOU ONLY WORSHIP ME!

SANTA's helpers go out, ringing bells, chanting "Worship Santa...worship Santa." The Santa's helpers put up enormous Big Brother-like posters of SANTA on buildings everywhere. They enter churches, defiling them, placing statues of SANTA on the altar. Across the world the evil figure of SANTA appears on TV, calling out to the children to worship him. And they do.

SANTA: Worship me...worship me...

CHILDREN: We worship you!

SANTA: I will bring you presents...

CHILDREN: You will bring us presents!

SANTA: The Spirit of Christmas must live all year long!

CHILDREN: All year long!

SANTA: I AM THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS!!!

The CHILDREN scream with fanatic worship, devotion. The scene resembles a Nazi rally.

Cut to: SANTA flying through the air in his evil sleigh,
flying over rows and rows of houses in the suburbs. He lands on the roof of a house. The hideous, demonic reindeer stamp. Inside, Dad with pipe looks up, sees hoof poke through roof...

DAD: Wha...

SANTA: (leering red face popping out of chimney) Merry Christmas, hahaha...

He grabs MOM and DAD, then ties them to the Christmas tree with the electric lights.

SANTA: Now, children, I demand...sacrifice!

DAD: No, Timmy...you can't...we're your parents!

SANTA: Plug it in. Plug in the tree...

(We hear a hideous scream. In Santa's face, we see a reflection of the red light of the parents being electrocuted. Santa is grinning. Last shot: Santa's sleigh against the sky.

CAPTION: "And I heard him explain as he went out of sight...'Merry Christmas to all...and to all, a good night!"

Slingbladerunner

OK, kids. It's a movie trailer for the latest Billy Bob Thornton vehicle ...

This time, it's a glimpse at a dark, not-too-distant future that could happen in our lifetimes. Yattayatta. OK. Run the trailer.

Montage of 2019 LA. Dangerous Replicants walking around. Scary music.

ANNOUNCER: The year is 2019. There’s a new kind of android in the City of Angels. They’re called Replicants. Four are walking the gritty streets right now. They look like us, but they sure as hell don’t like us. Problem is, they’re stronger and smarter and trained to kill.

Jump cut -- ROY crushing TYRELL's skull.

ANNOUNCER: And in a world where machines are better than people, it takes a very special person to fight back.

INT, TYRELL CORPORATION

Holden is giving the V-K test to LEON to see if he’s a Replicant. They sit at opposite ends of a long steel table.

HOLDEN: Describe in simple words only the good things that come into your mind about your mother.

LEON: My mother? Let me tell you about my mother.

Beneath the table, LEON raises a laser pistol. Before he can shoot, CARL leaps down from the ceiling and cuts LEON in half, vertically, with his slingblade.

CARL: (holds up slingblade) This here’s a slingblade. Some folks call it a Kaiser blade.

HOLDEN: Thanks Carl. I owe you one.

CARL: Just doing my job, I reckon. Mmm-hmm. My mama never loved me. She was a whore.

CARL raises up his slingblade in a heroic pose. Freeze-frame.

ANNOUNCER: Meet Carl—Slingbladerunner. He’s on the case.

INT, BRIAN’S OFFICE - NIGHT
BRIAN shows CARL the four escaped Replicants on a video display.

BRIAN: This is bad, Carl.

CARL: What’m I looking at’chere?

BRIAN: New model.

CARL: Mmm-hmm. They look like models. Kinda pretty like.

BRIAN: No. Replicant models.

CARL: Replicants. That there’s them robots with skin on ‘em, mmm-hmm.

BRIAN: Nexus 6. They’re smarter than you.

CARL: I reckon that there toaster is smarter than me. Mmm-hmmm. But I take your point.

ANNOUNCER: He’s on the hunt.

INT, TAFFY LEWIS’ STRIP CLUB – ZHORA’S DRESSING ROOM – NIGHT

CARL watches ZHORA taking off her costume.

CARL: That there your snake?

ZHORA: No, idiot. It’s my schlong. I took it off and it wriggles around by itself.

CARL: I reckon you’re mocking me.

ANNOUNCER: He’s on dangerous ground.

INT, CARL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

RACHEL and CARL confront each other.

RACHEL: You going to kill me?

CARL: Nah. I reckon I ain’t gonna kill you. (holds up slingblade) You sharpened my slingblade real nice.

RACHEL: I love it when you talk dirty.

CARL: I ain’t talking dirty. I’m retarded, brain-damaged some might say. I reckon retarded folk ain’t inclined to say one thing what means another. They just say what they wanna say, mmm-hmm. You got nice titties, mmm-mmm. See? Kinda like that.

RACHEL: That test. You ever take it yourself?

CARL: Yeah. I failed. I hate tests.

RACHEL: No empathy?

CARL: No. Too much empathy. I sorta feel sorry for everybody.

RACHEL: But you don’t mind killing.

CARL: Killing. Mmm. Killing folks like you is what you mean. People what sorta ain’t people.

RACHEL: Killing Replicants? That’s OK?

CARL: I reckon Replicants ain’t got souls, so's that makes it OK.

RACHEL: That’s what it says in the Bible?

CARL: Well. I reckon mine’s the one with pictures.

ANNOUNCER: He’s on borrowed time.

INT, BRADBURY BUILDING – NIGHT

ROY, shirtless, is stalking CARL. He howls like a wolf.

ROY: Owwwooooo! I’m coming for you, Carl.

CARL cuts off his head.

CARL: I reckon I got here first.

ROY'S HEAD: Ow. That hurt.

ANNOUNCER: Slingbladerunner. He’s not the sharpest tool in the chest.

Triumphant close-up, Carl holding up his bloody slingblade.

ANNOUNCER: But his slingblade is.