Sunday, May 24, 1998

About a Doughboy


The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY lies on a couch talking to a PSYCHIATRIST.

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY: ...and then he put me in the microwave.

PSYCHIATRIST: Obviously, this did not happen.

DOUGHBOY: Yeah. Obviously.

PSYCHIATRIST: You are alive.

DOUGHBOY: I didn't die! I didn't cheat on my wife! Any more brilliant observations?

PSYCHIATRIST: Do you want ...

DOUGHBOY: I'll tell you what I want! I'm 36 years old. 36, Doc! But I'm still the Pillsbury Doughboy. I'm sick of it! I want to be the Pillsbury Doughman!

PSYCHIATRIST: You do not see yourself as ...

DOUGHBOY: You know what people do to me, Doc? Complete strangers. They come up to me on the street. "Do the laugh," they say. "Let me poke you in the belly!" Like I'm ...

PSYCHIATRIST: Well ... Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

DOUGHBOY: Oh, hell no.

PSYCHIATRIST: May I poke you in the belly?

DOUGHBOY: No! Aren't you listening?

PSYCHIATRIST: Let me poke you with my finger!

DOUGHBOY: No, get away from me.

PSYCHIATRIST starts chasing DOUGHBOY around couch.

PSYCHIATRIST: I poke you. Then you do the cute little laugh thing!



DOUGHBOY: No! This is an abuse of the patient relationship!

PSYCHIATRIST: Heee-heee. You know?


PSYCHIATRIST: Hee-hee-hee.

DOUGHBOY stops, whirls around.

DOUGHBOY: I got a better idea. (whips out 45) Let me poke you in the fucking belly!

He does.

DOUGHBOY: Laugh! Laugh motherfucker! (pokes him)

PSYCHIATRIST: Hee-hee-heee!

DOUGHBOY: Louder! (pokes him)

PSYCHIATRIST: Hee-hee-heee!


LIL POPPY: How'd it go honey buns?

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY: It went great. I had a breakthrough.

LIL POPPY: Pillsbury called. They want you to ...

DOUGHBOY: Fuck 'em.

He sweeps her off her feet and plants a big wet smooch.

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