Grim Reaper Interview

INT, DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW

DAVID LETTERMAN: Our next guest has been tormenting the human imagination since the dawn of time. Ladies and gentleman please welcome ... Death!

GRIM REAPER walks out. Audience applauds. Paul Shaeffer plays a jazz-fusion take on the "Dead March." GRIM REAPER sits down.

LETTERMAN: I've got Death on my show. I can't believe it. Wow. This is a first.

GRIM REAPER: I dunno, Dave. You've died on the show before, you know.

Audience laughs.

LETTERMAN: Death is a comedian. You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.

GRIM REAPER: Enough with the firsts, OK? Before we go on. I'm not Death. I'm the Grim Reaper. Death is a human concept, OK? Death. Life. We don't see things that way.

LETTERMAN: We?

GRIM REAPER: You don't want to know, pal.

LETTERMAN: OK. So .. you're not Death.

GRIM REAPER: No.

LETTERMAN: What are you?

GRIM REAPER: Grim Reaper.

LETTERMAN: So ... what is the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: It's a job description.

LETTERMAN: Wow. Why would you want this job?

GRIM REAPER: People. It's a great way to meet people. Hey, I like people

LETTERMAN: You kill people.

GRIM REAPER: Not exactly. (sighs) Here's where it gets complicated. That thing you humans call a soul? That thing that makes you you? That's basically software. When you quote die end quote, it gets uploaded back to ..

LETTERMAN: God?

GRIM REAPER: Can't answer that.

LETTERMAN: Aw, c'mon.

GRIM REAPER: Sorry, pal. I could lose my job, OK? I'm not allowed to talk about that BLEEP. The last thing we need is another religion.

LETTERMAN: Amen to that, ha-ha-ha. Laugh obsequiously, Paul.

PAUL: Ha-ha-ha.

GRIM REAPER: I don't harvest souls. See, that's another department.

LETTERMAN: And yours is?

GRIM REAPER: Life force. I harvest the life force.

LETTERMAN: What?

GRIM REAPER: Ah, the damn Egyptians had it all figured out. They called it "Ka" or something like that. See, that's like the interface between soul and body.

LETTERMAN: In layman's terms?

GRIM REAPER: The life force keeps the meat moving around. After the soul leaves the body, the meat would keep moving around if I didn't do my job. The walking dead, OK? It's your basic zombie situation.

LETTERMAN: So ... we have you to thank for the lack of zombies?

GRIM REAPER: Damn straight, pal.

LETTERMAN: So what's on the horizon?

GRIM REAPER: Ah, you know. Book tour. Show 'em the book, Dave.

LETTERMAN: OK.

LETTERMAN shows book: ONE SCYTHE FITS ALL.

LETTERMAN: It's ... an autobiography?

GRIM REAPER: No. Cookbook ... you didn't read it?

LETTERMAN: Well ...

GRIM REAPER: (flashing scythe) Listen. This thing slices and dices. You want Julienne fries? BLEEP the vegamatic. This puppy ...

He inadvertently cuts of LETTERMAN's head.

GRIM REAPER: Oh. Uh. Sorry Dave.

LETTERMAN'S HEAD: Next up, Chrissie Hynde and the Pretenders!