Saturday, November 24, 2001

Unbearable commecials

I hate commercials with bears in them. There are currently two commercials out there where a pair of friends encounter a bear and one of the friends sets the other friend up to get mauled by the bear so he can get all the goodies, (Smirnoff Ice, Planters Peanuts, or whatever the hell it was.) Are the people who write this shit sitting in cubicles directly across from each other and ripping each other off like lazy-ass SAT cheaters?

“Bears! Yeah!”

There’s one commercial where a cartoon bear is taking a shit in the woods. The bear gets a scratched-ass look of pain on his face due to Brand X toilet paper. Another bear turns him on to Charmin Ultra Soft. The bear takes another shit, then wipes himself with the nice toilet paper. The bear gets a look of deep, ursine, anal gratification — the look of pleasure is unmistakably sexual. 9 times out of ten, they show this when I’m eating. A cartoon bear deriving intense pleasure from wiping soft things on its ass is not something I wish to contemplate when I’m eating. Not to mention ever.

On the other hand, if they’re going to go this route they might as well go for it. Something like...

Warning! X-Rated Bear Comedy!

ANNOUNCER: "Charmin Brand Ultra Soft. It’s like having your ass licked by a high-priced whore.”

The visuals I leave to the abundant imagination of my audience.

You perverts.

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