Getting wrecked on the Edmund Fitzgerald

The First Mate was drunk and he smelled like a skunk

And he puked out his guts on the railing

The Captain was stewed and he acted quite rude

And all of his senses were failing

The Captain wired in he was all out of gin

And drank grain alcohol from the barrel

Later that night he was feeling quite tight

Getting wrecked on the Edmund Fitzgerald.

TRUE STORIES OF THE FBI

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to “true stories of the FBI” featuring real actors pretending to be loosely-based composites of real agents and no cross-dressing. Ever. Tonight’s story: “NONE DARE CALL IT BOOTLEG.” We take you back in the summer of 2001. We’re deep inside the heart of the FBI’s Intelligence Analysis Division. As our story begins, an earnest, young rookie agent is just coming in from the field. He learns something. You will too.

AGENT JONES comes running in waving a file stuffed with papers.

JONES: Director! Director! You’re not going to believe…

DIRECTOR: (not recognizing him) And you are…?

JONES: Agent Jones.

DIRECTOR: (considering this – it doesn’t ring a bell) Jones. Jones? I don’t think I …

JONES: It’s been awhile, sir – six months, actually. I’ve been undercover – deep cover – but I think it’s finally paid off.

DIRECTOR: Refresh my memory.

JONES: I’ve infiltrated six different flight schools and …

DIRECTOR: (totally confused) Flight schools?

JONES: Yeah. What I found out was, they all contained disproportionate numbers of Middle Eastern nationals. Weird guys. Creepy-looking guys. Some approached me and attempted to rent crop dusters.

DIRECTOR: So…?

JONES: It adds up to terrorism, sir. A new kind of terrorism.

DIRECTOR: (scornfully) Terrorism? Six months undercover, and all you come up with is “terrorism” …? This is the FBI, Jones. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.

JONES: Like what?

DIRECTOR: Like video piracy, that’s what.

JONES: Video piracy?

DIRECTOR: Yeah. While you’re playing Junior G-Man, we reorganized the whole bureau. Today’s FBI is totally focused on video piracy.

JONES: You got to be kidding me.

DIRECTOR: I wish I was, Jones. It’s a crime wave. It’s big.

JONES: How big, sir?

DIRECTOR: International. We’re working with Interpol now. Terrorism’s just not priority.

JONES: (digesting this) Uh. Maybe it’s just me, sir, but …

DIRECTOR: Spit it out, Jones.

JONES: Shouldn’t international terrorism take priority to video piracy?

DIRECTOR: Is that what you think, Jones? Yeah, it figures. You would think that – snot-nosed academy punk. You want the headlines, the sexy assignments – “Terrorism”… “drugs” … “organized crime.” You think video piracy’s not important? Listen up, Jones. Let’s say we turn a blind eye, what happens then? They teach you that at the academy?

JONES: Uh … no.

DIRECTOR: No? No. I didn’t think so. Well they should, Jones. (tapping Jones' forehead) Think Jones. Let’s play it your way. Let’s forget the bootleggers and go after the so-called “terrorists.” While you’re off hunting Carlos the Jackal, the pirates board and loot and have their way with Hollywood. What’s the harm? A few bootleg copies of “Zoolander,” a DVD rip of “Training Day.” What’s the harm you say?

JONES: I didn’t…

DIRECTOR: (cutting him off) I’ll tell you what the “harm” is, Jones. What happens to creative artists who don’t get fairly compensated for their intellectual property rights?

JONES: Sir ...

DIRECTOR: What happens when your local Blockbuster goes bust? Ever think about that? Barry Dillar’s out on the street – not to mention all the moms and dads at MCI and Sony with hungry mouths to feed. What happens to the studios, Jones? No subsidiary rights, no secondary income from video and DVD. They’re forced to cut back on production values – you know what that means? No more explosions for Jerry Bruckheimer. He starts doing chick flicks – lotsa talk, hugs and kisses, relationship stuff. Little Johnny grows up watching that, little Johnny grows up soft. And what about little Johnny? He can’t go down to Blockbuster anymore, let alone some Mom and Pop porno stand. Where’s he go? The street, that’s where. Back alley video. He comes home with third generation bootlegs full of scan lines, Jones. Scan lines and bad synch and bad audio to match. Johnny’s up in his room watching some knockoff of “Pretty Woman” that looks like a dirty car windshield on a rainy night ‘cause that’s all he can get. His eyes go bad, his ears go bad, and little Johnny grows up light in the loafers ‘cause he grew up watching chick flicks. Little Johnny, and all the little Johnnies across America. So America grows up soft. And before you can say “Me so horny,” the commies are drinking Starbucks in Seattle – Why? Because you’re worried about a few towelheads in cropdusters. That’s what happens if we play it your way.

JONES: I didn’t think, sir.

DIRECTOR: No. You didn’t. Ever notice that FBI warning at the end of every video?

JONES: Yeah.

DIRECTOR: Ever read it?

JONES: No.

DIRECTOR: Well you should Jones. Read it. Memorize it. Think about it. The FBI stands behind that warning. Don’t you ever forget it. (addressing audience) And that goes for you too, America. It’s time to just say “no” to copyright violation and turn in your friends. They’ll thank you for it. So will the FBI. Goodnight, America.

ANNOUNCER: This has been a “true story” taken directly from the video piracy files of the FBI. Any resemblance to persons, places or things represented in this teleplay is purely coincidental. All rights reserved.

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Mr. Large

NARRATOR: (Walter Winchellesque) Crime. It’s the cancer of society, the scourge of civilization. After years of scientific study, there’s one thing we can say with absolute certitude about it. (long dramatic pause) Crime is caused by lawbreakers. Here’s a look at one of them – a man known only as “Mr. Large.”

“Mr. Large” enters. He’s actually kind of short.

NARRATOR: He started out stealing statues of the Virgin Mary from Irish churches and reselling them to Italian churches frequented by the Chicago mob. “Fighting Father Flanagan” tried to talk him out of it …

MR. LARGE and three HOODS are huddled together. He watches approvingly as the HOODS file serial numbers off statues of Jesus' Mom. The PRIEST enters and confronts LARGE.

MR. LARGE: Ya lost, Father?

PRIEST: No, son. You are.

MR. LARGE: Get him. Ya got a lotta guts, Father – good for you. Now beat it. Drafty old place like dis ain’t so good for an old guy like you. (pulling out gun) Bad for your health, know what I mean? Better go back to yer nice warm mick church.

PRIEST: I'm not leaving from this spot.

MR. LARGE: (cocking gun) Not alive, you mean.

PRIEST: You wouldn't shoot a priest, son.

He shoots him.

PRIEST: I guess I was wrong.

Falls.

NARRATOR: Large made his mark with extortion during the 1930s. His victims included the British Prime Minister…

MR. LARGE: (on the phone) No, no, no, I ain’t threatening. I’m just saying London’s a real nice place. Be a shame if something happened to it. Like I don’t know what. Like say the Germans got a hold of some rockets and started firing ‘em at you. Real big rockets. I’m just speculating. As a friend. (hangs up)

NARRATOR: And the Emperor of Japan.

MR. LARGE: (on phone) Cute little town, Hiroshima …

NARRATOR: By playing both sides against the middle, he helped start World War II. He was equally ruthless with his henchmen.

Three mobsters huddled together, cleaning guns, etc. MR. LARGE enters room and confronts them.

MR. LARGE: Something's up.

THUG #1: It's strictly legit, boss.

MR. LARGE: Yeah? (sniffing) Well I say something stinks here. (gesturing to one of the THUGS) You. Take out the garbage.

THUG #2: Sure ting boss.

THUG #2 leaves with garbage.

MR. LARGE: How many times I gotta tell you mugs? No food garbage in the office garbage – paper garbage only.

THUG #1: What about food that's wrapped in paper and you eat the food and there's just paper?

MR. LARGE: What about you clam up?

THUG #1: Su – (he clams up)

MR. LARGE: Something still stinks.

MR. LARGE just pauses, studying them. They’re all terrified. Then he points to THUG #1 and walks up to him. The other THUGS back off.

MR. LARGE: I smell a rat and his name is you. What gives?

THUG #1: Nothing.

MR. LARGE: Nothing, eh?

THUG #1: Yeah, boss. N-nothing.

MR. LARGE: You think I'm paying you to sit around and do nothing?

THUG #1: No.

MR. LARGE: Oh, so you did do something?

THUG #1: Yeah.

MR. LARGE: Like what?

THUG #1: Like what I'm s’posed to.

LARGE: Yeah? You wanna know what I think you did?

THUG #1: Whaddya think I did?

MR. LARGE: You tell me.

THUG #1: I didn't do it.

MR. LARGE: Sure, sure.

THUG #1: Honest, boss. Ya gotta believe me!

MR. LARGE: Oh I believe you, I’m a real trusting guy, I’m a real sap, I believe anybody – (whipping out gun) but my pal here Roscoe don't.

THUG #1: (shaking, obviously terrified of “Roscoe”) Listen....

MR. LARGE: I’m a real easy-going Joe, but Roscoe’s a skeptic, see. Like them pre-Socratics. (cocking gun) Roscoe’s gonna need some convincing…

THUG #1: (sweating) Listen, boss…

MR. LARGE: Don't talk to me, talk to Roscoe.

THUG #1: (bending over, talking to the gun) Listen Roscoe, I didn't do it.

MR. LARGE: Roscoe thinks yez lying.

THUG #1: I ain’t lying! I don’t even know what you think I did.

MR. LARGE: Then how do you know you didn’t do it?

THUG #1: (forgetting himself and talking to MR. LARGE, not the gun) Cause, uh …

MR. LARGE: Not me, Roscoe.

Bending over again to talk to the gun.

THUG #1: (addressing the gun) Cause I ain’t…

He can’t think of anything to say.

MR. LARGE: Roscoe’s waiting.

Abruptly, ridiculously, he starts pour his heart out to “Roscoe.”

THUG #1: (practically babbling) Uh, y-you know how loyal I am, Roscoe. Da boss means a lot to me! Most mugs wouldn’t even think about doing the boss no dirt on account of nobody screws wit de boss and gets away with it, but me I wouldn’t even do nothing if I could get away with it on account of it ain't right cause da boss done good to me and I wanna do what’s right, so … (losing train of thought, has to think for a second) …so dat's why I didn’t do nothing I ain’t supposed to do, Roscoe, honest.

He looks up hopefully but it’s no sale. MR. LARGE gets even more belligerent.

MR. LARGE: Roscoe ain’t buying. Something's up!

THUG #1: No, boss!

MR. LARGE: You've been walking the dog!

THUG #1: No!

MR. LARGE: Charking on the farklebark!

THUG #1: I wouldn’t do dat!

MR LARGE: Jamming on the floyfloy!

THUG #1: I don't even know what none of that means!

MR. LARGE: Oh you don’t, eh? Well maybe you’re just playing dumb. Maybe you’re some kinda wiseguy. Are you some kinda wiseguy?

THUG #1: I ain’t no wiseguy!

MR. LARGE: Sure you are! You’re a regular Einstein!

THUG #1: No boss!

MR. LARGE: A real bright boy!

THUG #1: No!

MR. LARGE: Think you’re real smart, don’t you?

THUG #1: No boss I don’t. I don’t think I’m smart. I’m real stupid. I never thought nothin’ in my whole life, boss. I sweartagod I ain’t smart!

MR. LARGE: Yeah?

THUG #1: Yeah.

MR. LARGE aims “Roscoe” and shoots him.

MR. LARGE: If there's one thing I can't stand it's a dummy.

NARRATOR: Through fear, violence and wise investment, Large’s criminal empire grew – eventually including mail-order delivery of orphans to slave labor camps by the late 1970s. In the 80s he moved into basic cable but got out again because he found it unethical. It seemed like nothing could stop him – but the long arm of the law was closing in. In 1998 it grabbed him where it hurts – in a hospital suite in Schenectady.

At this point the NARRATOR assumes the role of a cop and walks over to MR. LARGE who is lying in a hospital bed.

NARRATOR: Vincent Divanziochicanziawhatever, a.k.a. Mr. Large, you’re under arrest for the… (noticing he’s dead) …ah crap, he’s dead. (quickly closing curtains on hospital bed and addressing audience) Well, I guess in his case crime did pay, but it doesn’t happen often. Let this be a lesson to hooligans and scofflaws everywhere. (opens mouth, can’t think of anything else to say) Goodnight.

He walks off.

Elizabethan House of the Rising Sun

Here's the Animals' famous garage band standard in Elizabethan rhythm ...

In New Orleans a house there is
Of the rising sun ‘tis named.
Full many a poor wight
His ruin hath he met there.
Of that company am I numbered,
God knoweth.

A tailor's trade my mother plied.
In Genoa's azure garb shod I.
My father favored games of chance
In Crescent City’s vile expanse.
Cask and pistol, loaded each,
Just such a gambler's trade requires.
Oblivion of sherry-sack
'Tis all a drunkard's soul desires.

O mothers!
Unto thine brood instruction give
My practice not to emulate
Lest in sin and misery
Their lives be spent.
New Orleans!
Bound am I
To return unto that city.
I stand upon the platform
Enchained thus. Half sent.

Foul Stench

An alternate scene from the original Star Wars ...

INT. DEATH STAR - CONTROL ROOM

Admiral Motti enters the quite control room and bows before Governor Tarkin, who stands before the huge wall screen displaying a small, green planet.

Motti: We've entered the Alderaan system.

Vader and two stormtroopers enter with Princess Leia. Her hands are bound.

Princess Leia: Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Tarkin: Foul stench? Seriously? You recognized it?

Princess Leia: Governor --

Tarkin: How about this? (cuts one) Recognize that?

Vader, Leia, Motti all react.

Leia: Gahhhhhh.

Vader: Apparently, something has died inside your ass!

Tarkin: How about this? (another loud fart) Does that one ring a bell?

Princess Leia: Stop it!

Tarkin: (sniffs) Why, that smells like Tarkin! I love the smell of Tarkin in the morning!

Another prolonged blast of methane. The lights flutter, go off. The death ray shuts down.

Vader: Damn it, Tarkin -- you blew out the Death Star electrical system! It's highly sensitive to methane, you idiot.

A stormtrooper enters.

Stormtrooper: Hey. Let’s get some light in here.

He lights a match. The Death Star explodes.

I Want My NKVD

(to the tune of Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing")

I want my, I want my NKVD.
I want my, I want my NKVD.

Russian mobster, look like lobster
Got a Lubyanka mamma in a dacha on the old Black Sea.
That ain't freedom; that is way they screw you.
It's freedom for nothin' cause nothing's free.

That ain't freedom; that's the way they screw you.
Lemme tell ya, them guys ain't dumb.
Sell your sister, like transistor.
Suitcase bomb, you can have some fun.

We stocking GUM with crates of fucking blue jeans.
Designer label posteriors.
We got to please these Euro tourists.
We're working for nomenklatura.

Here comes new boss
Just like old boss.
Lemme tell you, these guys are worse.
A bullet in the brain can be an act of mercy.
A brain that's full of pain is lifetime curse.

We stocking GUM with crates of fucking blue jeans.
Designer label posteriors.
We got to please these Euro tourists.
We're working for the nomenklatura.

Look at them prestoopniks.
That's the way you do it!
Brains just like a monkey's.
They do what they do and don't know it's crime.
That ain't freedom; that's the way they screw you.
Papa Joe made the trains run on time.

I want my, I want my NKVD.
I want my, I want my NKVD.

David Lynch's "Psycho"

The following is my response to David Lynch's Mulholland Drive -- which struck me as Psycho edited with gardening shears. Then I wondered what Lynch would do if he actually directed Psycho ...

OPEN, NORMAN BATES in an insane asylum. He’s listening to doctors talk about him. The sound is distorted so we don’t understand what they’re saying.

NORMAN: Why. I wouldn’t even hurt a fly.

ZOOM in on fly on his face. Keep zooming to impossible, microscopic closeness.
Watch fly crawling around for ten minutes.

EXT, BATES MOTEL - NIGHT

Ice machine. Static shot.

Audio: Crashing noise. Ice falling down inside. Audio continues (OS) over --

Montage: Stack of money. Blood going down drain. MARIAN screams. MARTIN BALSAM climbs up stairs. Wrecker pulls NORMAN's car out of swamp.
NORMAN’s MOM in rocking chair, a grinning skeleton illuminated by a swinging light bulb. MARIAN screams. NORMAN, on his knees, cleaning and cleaning. Silence.

Sound, ice crashing down. Impossibly loud.

EXT - NIGHT - BATES MOTEL

MARIAN leaves BATES motel, walking backwards - film footage in reverse. Her entire journey repeats, backwards, from her arrival at Bates motel to the time she leaves her office with the money she embezzles.


Extreme close up of ice falling backwards, up into the ice machine mechanism, in slow motion of the tune of freaky-deaky industrial synth track.

INT - NIGHT - BATES MOTEL

NORMAN in office, watches MARIAN through peephole. We watch him for twenty minutes. Hold on the same static camera angle. The scene goes on far too long. Andy Warhol would lose patience. Finally, the camera tracks left. Slowly. Keeps tracking.

Zoom up on stuffed MOOSE HEAD.

Zoom in to MOOSE’s nostril.

Keep zooming down long, dark, endless corridor of MOOSE’s nostril.

Weird industrial noises. Get louder and louder.

Pull out into corridor of BATES motel.

Camera tracks aimlessly through motel corridors.

NORMAN’s POV. His mother is screaming at him. NORMAN, being a psycho, doesn’t realized she’s a stuffed dummy in a rocking chair. Neither do we. We have no clue what’s going on.


NORMAN'S MOM: How dare you bring that slut in here! How dare you! I demand respect, Norman! R-e-s-p-e-c-t!

The room burns to brightness in the fierce light of heaven. We see a caricature of a 1960s GIRL GROUP -- sluttier than the real thing, drawing on that coarse, whorish, gum-chewing fetish imprinted on DAVID LUNCH’s mind at the age of 13. One is a dwarf.

They start doing the jerk and singing. Backwards masking effect. I.e.: singers sing phonetic transcription of a backwards song to a backwards music track, then the film is shown in reverse.

GIRL GROUP: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Another montage. Stack of money.

Blood going down drain. A commercial for Old Dutch cleaner.

MARIAN screams.

BATES house. MAMMA BATES' voice.

MAMA BATES: (O.S.) Norman! Norman!

MARTIN BALSAM climbs up stairs.

Knife stabbing in shower.

MARIAN screams.

A MOOSE sitting on a couch.

Another shot of the wrecker pulling MARTIN BALSAM’s car out of swamp.

Motel hallway.

Footage of two lane blacktop. Night.

NORMAN looking through hole in the wall.

Endless corridors.

We move to room 99. Enter.

INT, MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

The MOOSE FAMILY is watching TV. The program they're watching is --

MARIAN’s COUSIN and her BOYFRIEND looking for MARIAN. The footage has been edited badly and it’s out of order. The sound is terrible. There are Cantonese subtitles. And a laugh track.

We watch the badly edited Whodunit segment for 35 minutes, almost forgetting that it’s the show on the TV set the MOOSE FAMILY is watching. We're thinking, perhaps, what we're seeing really happening. But there are commercials for taxidermy, unbreakable shower curtain rings, cleaning supplies. and plastic sheeting, MARIAN's insurance company and other crap that doesn’t make sense. Perhaps it’s all in NORMAN’s mind. Perhaps it’s in DAVID LYNCH’s mind.

ANNOUNCER:(almost unintelligible) Will they solve the mystery? Tune in next week.

OLD DUTCH cleanser commercial.

The OLD DUTCH CLEANSER LADY comes to life. It’s NORMAN’S MAMA. She starts shaking her rolling pin.

MAMA: Chase the dirt, Norman! Chase the dirt!

Pull out. Of TV screen. Weird industrial noises.

We’re back in the motel room.

We see the MOOSE family again.

One MOOSE irons a shirt.

We track up to the wall to the mounted head of a squirrel. ROCKY the FLYING SQUIRREL. He laughs.

ROCKY: And now here's something we hope you'll really like!

Camera goes out the door.

The number now says 666.

Laugh on laugh track.

More endless footage of hallway.

Stack of money.

Insurance forms.

MAMA: Norman!

Blood goes down drain.

MARIAN screams.

MARTIN BALSAM climbs up stairs.

Knife stabbing.

MARIAN screams.

MAMA: (backwards) Namron!

ROCKY THE STUFFED SQUIRREL: Ekil yllaer ll'ouy epoh ew gnihtemos s'ereh won dna!


A MOOSE sitting on a couch.

Neon sign. Flickering.

Norman’s record player.

Money blowing in wind.

MAMA: Norman!


NORMAN, dressed as the OLD DUTCH CLEANSER lady. Cleaning and cleaning and cleaning.

MAMA: Norman!

The GIRL GROUP, dancing backwards.

SINGER: Stop stepping on my foot, bitch!

MARTIN BALSAM walks up stairs.

Shot of wrecker pulling MARTIN BALSAM’s car out of swamp.

Shot of motel hallways.

Footage of two lane blacktop. Night.

NORMAN looking through hole in the wall.

Pull back, we go through another hole.

NORMAN is looking through that.

Pull back.

Another hole, another NORMAN.

Oooh. Clever. This goes on for awhile.

Camera moves away from the last NORMAN in the series.

Long tracking shot of stuffed animal heads in NORMAN’s office.

Pull out of motel office.

15 minute static shot of flickering neon sign announcing BATES motel. VACANCY . The NO next to VACANCY flickers to life.

Two lane blacktop.

Endless corridors.

We move into a dark corridor.

Loud industrial noises.

We pull out of the Moose’s nostril.

We see Norman inside it, a tiny figure, two centimeters high. A tiny little human with the head of a fly.

NORMAN: Help me! Help me!

The ice machine rattles.

Ice crashes down.

We zoom in. Go inside the ice machine. Impossibly scaled detail of ice machine mechanism. We see the little crescents of ice pushing out. Pushing out.

We hear a loud CRASH!

NORMAN wakes up in bed. The stock is now color.

NORMAN BATES is now played by VINCE VAUGHN. He sees himself in the mirror.

NORMAN screams.

Missing Scripts

Cartoon scripts, spec scripts and serials ...

Except for fragments, I am also missing the following spec scripts. Most of these were written and posted in serial format on various websites.These websites have all been scrubbed off the face of the !@#$ earth.

Clinton, Clinton, I’ve been Thinking (1995-1999)
No story arc. Pretty much a bunch of surreal sketches about 1996 Presidential campaign, and the endless investigation that continued before, during and after. Ken Starr, Clinton, Monica Lewinski … it pretty much wrote itself. [fragments recovered]

The following three scripts had a loose story continuity. I wrote them in serial form, then attempted to edit them down to something episodic and producible. Saw it as an animated cartoon, but could also have worked as live action.

THE BIG DAMN MEDIA SATIRE TRILOGY

Revenge of the Son of the Glass Teat (1995)
The world is disappearing up its own self-absorbed asshole. There’s a simple explanation: aliens are stealing our media. Their spaceship resembles an enormous glass teat. But Elvis and Bigfoot overcome the aliens, take control, return from space and set humanity free. At least for now.

Koreshan (1996)
Jack Getz is a single parent who lives with his two sons in the dilapidated family hotel he inherited in Florida. A cartoonist, his once promising career is on the skids. A few years back, Walt Disney Studios fired him for putting suggestive images in Alladin -- yeah, he's that guy. After that stunt, Jack's career took a downward slide to progressively crappier ad agencies, print shops and huckster promotion firms. Salvation comes: a golden cash cow. Jack is hired by an emerging global media empire. The CEO is Mr. Haack -- a South African composite of Rupert Murdock and other media tycoons. Unknown to Jack, the aliens are using Haack's corporation as a front to launch their new product. Agents from the Okinawan independence movement tell him about the alien plot. They inform him that, instead of writing whiz-bang cartoons about cosmic battles, he actually has to fight one for a change. Jack thinks it's bullcrap -- until he discovers a vast underground network of tunnels left over from the last human civilization 20,000 years ago. The aliens have used us before. Jack stands up and fights. Or he doesn't. There's some kinda resolution, but I forget. Once again, Jack gets fired.

Me, Robomonkey (1997)
Haack releases the test version of the alien product -- User Generated Media -- a black box that the aliens plan to install in every human home. (An all-purpose, home entertainment center/replicator) Robomoney is the cute, helpful intelligent agent designed to make it easy for the humans to use the product -- just tell him what you want, and he grabs it for you! But Robomonkey escapes the virtual world and wreaks havoc in the real world, thereby derailing the aliens’ plans.

CHARACTERS
Ethan Haack -- the South African CEO of Haackworks Media. He resembles Sydney Greenstreet.
Jack Getz -- cartoonist, writer, loser. Basically, Jack is to me what Kilgore Trout is to Kurt Vonnegut.
Supermodel -- a model with superpowers. She's bitter about the loss of her native Hong Kong to the PRC.
Robomonkey -- an intelligent agent who escapes the alien's virtual world in a parody of "Altered States."

Highway Woman -- a mild-mannered woman who transforms into a Fury of Vengeance at the sight of a lack of courtesy.

Missing Posts

What follows is a partial list of missing comedy sketches, dates approximate. These were originally posted on various AOL message board and, later, in the free speech zone of ACLU's web site. Both entities cleaned house and deleted these files. The sketches still existed as word documents on my HP. Then, naturally, I had a hard drive crash. I backed the sketches up on a Zip disc, of course, but have now misplaced the !@#$ disc. **

2002

I want my NKVD [Rewritten]


2001

Tales of the FBI
The FBI ignores evidence of an Al Qaeda terrorist plot in its zeal to fight video piracy. [Found]

Johnson Jones, Private Dick
1930s slang and lots of bad puns. [Rewritten]

Crap-n-Poop
A massive store (a la Safeway) has a massively annoying jingle containing every possible marketing cliche. "There's so much more of what there's so much more of -- at your friendly neighborhood Crap-n-Poop!" [Partially rewritten]

2000

Travel Advisory
A parody of a State Department travel advisory. The message: Most of the planet wants to kill us: stay home. [Found.]

Gorilla Suit Jesus
Jesus, as a test of faith, returns a second time, not as a gorilla, but as a man in a gorilla suit. The Fundamentalist Christians, not expecting this, reject him. [Found]

The Legacy

The Skull and Bones Society (which resembles Animal House) conspire to make George W. Bush the President of the United States. He may be incompetent, but, like Flounder, he’s a legacy. [Not found]

The Death Interview

The Grim Reaper promotes his new book on Late Night with David Letterman. [Rewritten.]

Mr. Large
A kingpin of crime rises from the gutter. Ultimately, he dies of old age. [Found]

What Really Happened to the Taco Bell Chihuahua
The Taco Bell Chihuahua (in an obvious homage to John K's Ren) eats genetically engineered StarLink corn, grows to enormous size (What ... ees .. happening to me?) and goes on a rampage. [Rewritten]

Bugger Off! -- by the makers of Piss Off!
[Not found]

1999

About a Doughboy
The Pillsbury Doughboy sees a shrink. He wants to be a Doughman. He’s sick of people poking him in the belly and expecting him to make that cute laugh. The shrink pokes him in the belly. He goes on a shooting rampage. [Found]

Monster on Trial
Perry Mason defends Godzilla for the crime of stomping Tokyo. There are 10 million witnesses. Godzilla is declared innocent. [Found, partially rewritten.]

The Yogi Bear Sutra
Capacious indeed is the intelligence of Yogi Bear, far surpassing the mental abilities of ordinary bears. [Rewritten]

Conspiracy Fact
The secret rulers of the global financial system meet in their underground lair: Richie Rich, Rich Uncle Pennybags (aka the Monopoly Man), Daddy Warbucks, C. Montgomery Burns and the Monopoly Octopus. They agree to speed up the timetable for the destruction of the American Middle Class. [Rewritten]

TiVo is DEVO
A machine that lets people watch TV all the time turns America into a nation of morons. [Not found.]

1998

Acid Casualty Insurance

Acidheads running an insurance company grok the deep connections between life and death and math and stuff. [Found]

MTV's Robe Rules. If Jesus and pals had taken a road trip in an RV stuffed with cameras in the days of hip, self-referential media. [Found]

War of the Worlds [Oct 30 1998]
A rant in honor of the 60th anniversary of the War of the World’s Broadcast. Complaint #1: The future is a cheat: no flying cars. Complaint #2: HG and Orson probably had it right. If there are aliens out there, they probably want to eat us. Why are we broadcasting our presence? [Earlier draft found]

Teddy Bear's Picnic
The Teddy Bears turn out to be badass, Hells Angel biker-types. They don't appreciate their fucking picnic being disturbed. [Found]

When Irish Eyes Aren't Smiling

An American-Irish family visits a charming Irish pub in Dublin filled with colorful characters. They leave with snapshots and memories. They return two hours later. It turns out the charming characters were all paid character actors. Now we see the bar's actual patrons: bitter, IRA thugs. Who beat the Americans savagely. [Lost but performance exists on tape -- somewhere.]

Clown College Reunion
Ronald McDonald appears at his Clown College reunion. The other clowns mock him for being a "corporate clown" and deride his fake magic. [Rewritten]

Tomorrow is a Piece of Shit
James Bond's latest assignment takes him to various redneck junkyards, gas stations and shitty trailers in Atlanta. The latest Bond villain is a snuff-dipping fatass. The latest Bond woman is, too. [Rewritten -- not as full sketch but quick movie pitch.]

1997

Necromarketing
Dirt Devil had the digitally reanimated corpse of Fred Astair dancing around with a vacuum cleaner. As long as we're going to turn the dead into corporate shills, who else could we dig up? [Found]

Titanic -- the God-proof boat!
In 1912, the White Star Line makes "God Himself couldn't sink her!" the tagline of their advertising campaign for the Titanic. It's God-proof, or your money back. [Rewritten]

The Bob Marley Trial
Bob Marley is tried for shooting the Sheriff. He’s stoned out of his mind and his testimony makes no sense. “I did not shoot the Deputy.” What Deputy? Who said anything about a Deputy? [Earlier draft found]

An Immigrant's Story
A man comes to America from the old country in the early 1900s. He has a dream: selling hot, steaming turds from a pushcart. Anything is possible in America! [Found]

1996

Quentin Tarantino's Knife Before Christmas
Santa and henchman stage an ultraviolent home invasion. (Written in collaboration with Kevin Dean)[Found]

Woody Allen's "Crash"Woody Allen directs "Crash." Basically, his nebbish character takes over for Steven Spader. (Oct. 29 1996) [Found]

English as a Second Language Theater

A beginning English speaker writes sketch comedy in which the punchline is always “Turds!” [Rewritten]

Slingbladerunner

Carl chases replicants with his slingblade. Some folks call it a Kaiser blade. [Found]

Side Effects May Include

A new wonder drug has a long list of symptoms including Lycanthropy and "Scanners" syndrome. [Found]

Miss Oleo
Miss Oleo (a real psychic, as opposed to Miss Cleo) warns a woman that her murderous, ex-boyfriend stalker is in her apartment. She tells her where to stand and exactly when to bash the skillet over his head. [Found]

The Real Psychic Network

Real psychics tell you your real future, which turns out to be horrible and depressing. For an extra fee, they tell you what you did in a past life, which is also horrible and depressing. [Not found]

Tourettes Syndrome Telethon

The Jerry Lewis-style announcer asks for help and cusses you out. [Found]

The Mega-Mega-Mega-Mansion

1995

Star Trek: Generation X

Twentysomething yuppie scum in space. [Not found]

Republichrist

The New Republican Bible reimagines Jesus as a glad-handing, asshole businessman. [Rewritten]

A Clockwork Gallery Walk
Alex and his droogs engage in art criticism. [Found]

Alex's Clockwork Oranges

Alex introduces his new breakfast cereal. [Not found]

Son of Religion Incorporated

A grab-bag of jive religions: Jehovah's Prosecuting Attorneys, Seinfeldology, Harry Kirshners, Christian Mad Scientists and more. [Not found]

Sex is Fun for Kids on Drugs
A lampoon of conservative perceptions of the evil, liberal media. Various hypothetical TV shows designed to destroy belief in God and sexual morality. [Fragment found]

Sometimes Murder Can Be Murder

Sketch about irritating detective who keeps using the "But, sometimes, ___________ can be murder!" trope. [Not found]

1994

Homerman

Homer Simpson attends a company picnic with his family. Suddenly, nobody knows who he is and Homer is on the run in a parody of Nowhere Man, the Prisoner, the Manchurian Candidate, and every other paranoid fantasy. A spec script for The Simpsons Halloween special. [Not found. Probably lost forever]

Beanie Babies
A Peter Lorre-like figure lives in terror of the Beanie Babies. Their little bellies are filled with beans. They're always following me! He meets a bad end. [Found. Ending expanded. Backstory added.]

Wo Fat Diet
Wo Fat of Hawaii Five-0 captures Detective McGarrett. He informs his old enemy that the People's Republic of China has, at last, defeated the decadent United States. Then he buries him beneath a mountain of cheap, crappy consumer products. [Rewritten]

The Clastic Fantastic Constructions of Pseudo DiGiolinio

A parody of a bloated, pretentious, jargon-ridden art review. [Found]

1993

Rage against the Schween
The head of Schween Marketing reveals the giant machine at the heart of his factory spitting out Rage Against the Machine t-shirts, CDs and bumper stickers. [Rewritten]

The Flamemaster 3000
Kids love fire! Now, just in time for Christmas--a flame-thrower for kids! Use only as directed. (South Park did something pretty freaking similar. Not that I'm saying anything.) [Rewritten, which makes it hard to prove I thought of it first.]

Mr. Mercenary's Neighborhood

Mr. Rogers' replacement is a survivalist gun nut. [Not found]

An Ugly Day in the Neighborhood
Mr. Rogers is insane. In our continuing Mr. Rogers saga, a cameraman witnesses him declaring himself the God of the Neighborhood of Makebelieve. Mr. Rogers captures the snooping cameraman, ties him up. The puppets hold a trial, verdict: death. The cameraman is rescued by Barney, who shoves Mr. Rogers down the toilet. [Rewritten]

You Can Never Go Down the Drain
Mr. Rogers, graphically, reassures children that you can never get sucked into the toilet, kicking and screaming helplessly as the filthy waters choke you and the darkness closes in. Your parents didn't lie to you. No, of course not. [Rewritten, incorporated in sketch]

Fight Stubborn Grunge with New! Instant Prozac
A drug company tests its new, fast-acting anti-depression medication on Nirvana and Pearl Jam. It works and ruins their music careers. [rewritten]

1992

Nazi Track
A parody of the Nordic Track -- an exercise machine involving goose-stepping and seig-heiling. [rewritten]

It's a Horrible Life
A corrupt businessman is ultimately responsible for destroying the hopes of the 1960s. The world would be a better place if he'd killed himself. Clarence the Angel points this out to him. (SNL did a similar skit featuring Newt Gingrich. Mine was first, damnit.)[Found]

Oh, Say, Could You Just Shut Up a Second?
Francis Scott Key rushes into Ft. McHenry where his friends have all been shot up after a night's long seige. Is the flag OK? All he can think about is the freaking flag. His friends are pissed. [Rewritten]

Royal Shakespeare Dinner Theatre

A serious actor stuck in a travesty of Shakespeare at a crass dinner theater where ancient, rude patrons interrupt "Richard III" to ask about the Apple Betty. [Rewritten]

Moonwalker: the Director's Cut

A re-edited version of Moonwalker in which the Joe Pesci character saves the children from pedophilic attentions of Michael Jackson. [Not found.]

1991

The Ballad of Slade Killgun
A serial killer's killing spree brings publicity and prosperity to a dirtbag town in the Old West. When he dies by accident, the townsfolk cover it up, stage copycat murders and keep the legend alive. [Rewritten]

Believe in the Beans
The Magic Bean salesman sells Jack a new religion. [Rewritten]

ASAP's Fairy Tales
A series of ridiculously telegraphic fairy tales for busy parents with no patience. [Found]

Satan Claus
Santa is an evil figure who dominates the world and uses children’s greed to turn them against their parents. [Found]

Mold Injected Plastic
The American Mold Injected Plastic Association throws away millions of dollars on an idiotic, nationwide "mold-injected plastic awareness" campaign. The advertising agency can't convince the President of the AMIPA that no one gives a crap about mold-injected plastic. It is, after all, his life. [Fragment found]

1990

The Old Prospector

This character is truly a shit. He has a knack for predicting disasters. Everyone always ignores him. Then he dances around like a loon when the disaster happens saying "I told you so." [Not found]

American Chainsaw Association
When chainsaws are outlawed, only outlaws will have chainsaws. [Found]



** As of now, 14 skits remain missing, indicated in red. These are just the ones I recall, of course -- and not counting long-form comedy like "Me, Robomonkey."