OPENING CREDITS: EXT, AUSTRALIAN BUSH
Montage of excited kangaroo bounding around. A chorus sings. (OS)
CHORUS: Stiffy, Stiffy
Stiffy the Bush Kangaroo
Stiffy, Stiffy
Stiffy, our friend ever true.
Matt and his two idiot sons are standing by a helicopter. His youngest son reacts. Points.
Sonny: Look, Dad! It’s Stiffy!
Matt: How do you reckon it’s Stiffy?
Sonny: They’re playing his theme song.
Quick shot of Aboriginal orchestra dressed in white tuxes waving at camera.
Stiffy comes bounding up. He has an enormous stiffy.
Matt: Crikey. ‘E looks excited to see ya.
Sonny: What’s that in his pouch dad?
Mark: Stiffy ain’t got no pouch.
Matt: Put a lid on it. He’s too young for anatomy lessons, ain’t ‘e?
Matt: (to Sonny) Stiffy has a stiffy in his pouch. It’s how ‘e navigates through the bush. Sorta like a divining rod or what have you.
Stiffy starts making Kangaroo noises and thumping his feet.
Stiffy: Chk-kachokity – thump!
Matt: What’s that Stiffy?
Stiffy: Chokitty chk-chack, thump thump!
Matt: There’s a psycho over in Wolf Creek, ya say. Crikey, we better get over there.
INT, MICK’S LAIR AT WOLF CREEK - DAY
Mick, the psycho, advances on a terrified woman brandishing a spork.
Woman: Back off, mate!
Mick: You call that a knife?
Woman: No, it’s a spork.
Mick: (pulls out enormous pig sticker) This is a knife.
Woman: It ain’t nearly as funny when you say it.
Mick: Yeah? Wait til I sever your spinal column. That’s always hilarious.
Woman: Nah. Kangaroo with a boner on the other hand.
Mick: Nice try. (advances)
Matt: (OS) Get him, Stiffy!
Stiffy pounces. Sounds of scuffle (OS)
Sonny: What’s Stiffy doing dad?
Mick: (OS) Eagghhhhhhh!
Matt: He’s uh. Subduing him. With his divining rod.
CHORUS: Stiffy, Stiffy
Stiffy the Bush Kangaroo
Stiffy, Stiffy
Stiffy, our friend ever true!
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