Hilarious Accident

I-75 was the scene of a comical vehicular accident earlier today as a clown car stuffed with 28 buffoons collided with a school bus of Canadian mimes. The injured and dying were emergency-airlifted to Tampa General Trauma Center. Seven people were reported dead at the scene; four others died in hospital; 18 remain in critical or serious condition. But there’s nothing serious about this car wreck.

“It’s some of the most hilarious carnage I’ve ever scene,” said Florida Highway Patrolman Burt Shockman at the scene. “They’ve cleaned it up some, but there were inflatable shoes and red noses everywhere. The mimes were screaming — but you couldn’t freaking hear them!” The Patrolman paused to laugh, and then continued. “This whole section of road was just smeared with greasepaint.” As he spoke, emergency road crews were still cleaning up broken seltzer bottles and cream pies and laughing until they cried.

The accident took place in the predawn hours at approximately 6:15 a.m. near the Linger Lodge exit. Of the casualties, six were reported as clowns, four as mimes; one victim could not be identified. Earlier today, Chief Trauma surgeon, Dr. Janet Barcomb, was reported as saying, “What do you expect when you put a clown behind the wheel?” Clown advocate Captain Beezo immediately replied in an angry public announcement: “The mimes were at fault! That bus came out of nowhere! We didn’t even hear ‘em!” and then proceeded to insult Canadians. The surgeon was later quoted as saying “Yeah, mimes. Silent killer, right?” before wetting herself.

Public Service Announcement

Across America, cops are cracking down. We’d like to say come to a complete stop, use your seat belt obey the speed limit and don’t drink and drive, but it won’t do you any good. The economy sucks and the government needs the money. You’re going to get a ticket whether you’re guilty or not. Especially if you’re black.

Puff the Magic Dragon

Here, for your edification, are the missing verses of Puff the Magic Dragon. Where we last left off, Jacky Paper had put away childish things and rejected Puff. Puff sank beneath the waves. But not for long. Enjoy.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Puff’s brooding soon was ended
And Puff, he swore revenge.
He tracked poor Jacky Paper down
From Stepney to Stonehenge.
For burning towns and cities
'Twas Jacky took the blame.
Men drove him out with sticks and rocks
And then they cursed his name!

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Puff flapped his wings like thunder
As he bellowed from the skies,
“Now hear me Jacky Paper,
You can run but you can’t hide!
Your name is Jacky Paper,
And the last thing you shall learn;
Your fate is in your name, my son.
Like paper you shall burn!"

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Jacky fled in terror
Across the ruined world.
Before too long, Puff cornered him.
Jacky whimpered lilke a girl,
"It’s not my fault, I just grew up.
Please don’t give me the blame!"
"Don’t fuck with dragons, Puff replied.
And burned him with his flame.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.