Tuesday, November 21, 2000

Least Loved Children's Stories

More tales for tots from Latchkey Press, publishers of Sex is Fun for Kids on Drugs and Heather has Two Mommies, Three Daddies and a Horse.

Now We Are Six Six Six
Christopher Robin,Winnie the Pooh and Tigger learn valuable life lessons and worship Satan.

The Little Engine that Couldn't
Hans, the "train engine with a heart," doesn't want to take children to Auschwitz -- he jumps the tracks and flees across a meadow. Sadly, the Gestapo captures Hans and take him to Gestapo Train School. Via coal deprivation and painful aversive conditioning, they methodically break his will. Hans becomes an obedient train, ignoring the children's cries. After the war, he is tried at Nuremberg and melted down into scrap metal.

Huggery, muggery, buggery!
Where Goldilocks surprised the three bears, Buggery Bear is fond of surprising unattended children. Who can forget this delightful verse?

Buggery Bear is everywhere
He chases the children, he just doesn't care
Look -- there he is now at the foot of the stairs!
Huggery, muggery, Buggery Bear!

Are you My Mommy, Bitch?

Little Tommy is 30 years old but in his heart he is only five. Tommy goes from bar to bar looking for a young woman to be his new Mommy. This is called transference. Transference is sad. Tommy doesn't find his mommy and blows out his brains. That is sad too.

Everybody Eats Their Poop
A reissue of the timeless classic from Coprophiliac Press. In a new washable edition for the 21st century.

Your Dog is Dead, Get Used to It
Unafraid to tackle the myth of Doggie Heaven, this no-nonsense tome explains with colorful illustrations why your doggie is food for worms along with your hamster, the cat and grandma. (Followed by the charming sequel, Your Dog is Dead, It's Your Fault.)

A Child's Garden of Plastic Explosives

By the author of How Things Burn, it's jam-packed with copiously illustrated recipes for mass-destruction accompanied by easy-to-remember instructions in verse:

The little child is unsuspected
Because he is, he's undetected!

What could be clearer than that?

Stealing, Stealing We Will Go!

Hello, what's this? Why it's a hole in the raincoat! Oh my, it's just big enough to stick your hand through and grab lots of candy! Stealing is better than magic because you get to eat candy and it's easy once you know the secret. This book will tell you how.

Three Men and a Restraining Order

By the author of Little Suzie Walks the Street it's a tale of three silly fellows whose lives go topsy-turvy when a baby drops into their laps. What will they do with it?

Not to mention The Cat in the Twat; Let's Make Drugs; Brother, Sister, Mother, Blister; God Made White People Better; Bring Me the Head of Yogi Bear; and Sad Touch, Mad Touch, Bad Touch, Dad Touch.

Gee, this took a dark turn, huh?

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