Sunday, November 27, 2011

Hogans Heroes -- What Really Would Have Happened

A German army truck pulls up, the back covered with a flap. General Burkhalter and Major Hochstetter of the Gestapo emerge from the front cab. They confront Colonel Klink, Sergeant Schultz, and five American POWs – the show’s lead characters -- who, for no logical reason, are all standing in front of the commandant’s office.

HOCHSTETTER: What are these men doing here?

BURKHALTER: Bad writing. What do you think?

KLINK: General Burkhalter. It is a pleasure to see you!

BURKHALTER: The feeling is not mutual, Klink. Are you good at math?

KLINK: What?

BURKHALTER: Your mathematical skills. How are they?

KLINK: Well ...

HOCHSTETTER: Colonel Klink tested 47% percentile at Krautschmuck University. He flunked Probability and Statistics. Twice.

BURKHALTER: You see? The Gestapo is very thorough. Tell Colonel Klink more surprising math facts.

HOCHSTETTER: Within a fifteen kilometer radius of Stalag 13, the incidence of sabotage is 798% greater than the statistical norm within comparable areas of the Third Reich.

KLINK: I am sure there is an explanation.

BURKHALTER: Yes. You are either incompetent or a traitor.

Pulls out Luger -- shoots him.

SCHULTZ: I know nothing!

BURKHALTER: I will carve that on your tombstone.

Shoots him.

BURKHALTER: Guards! Schnell!

A squad of Waffen SS bursts out of the back of the truck, form a line and aim ugly automatic weapons at Hogan and his heroes.

HOGAN: You can’t kill us. That’s against the Geneva Convention.

BURKHALTER: The Geneva Conention can kiss my fat Aryan ass. Oh wait. I forgot. You are all spies. According to the Geneva Convention, I can shoot you. Watch.

LEBEAU: (holding out a streudel) I baked a streudel.

Burkhalter shoots him. LeBeau drops the streudel. Falls.

BURKHALTER: As for the rest of you ...

HOGAN: I'm not afraid to die for my country.

KINCH: Speak for yourself, motherfucker. It’s your fucking country. You die for it.

BURKHALTER: Ah. You Americans misunderstand me. We’re not going to kill you. We’re going to torture you slowly, extract information, break your spirits, and use you swine to send disinformation to the Allies. (shouts) Take them away. We can still win this war. Heil Hitler!


The Guards strongarm and rifle-butt Hogan and his heroes into the truck. The truck drives away. Burkhalter picks up streudel. Sticks his finger in and eats it.

BURKHALTER: Mmmm. Good streudel!

No comments:

Post a Comment