Ethylene

(To the tune of Dolly Parton's "Jolene")

Ethylene, ethylene, ethylene oxide …
The chemists call you C2H4O
Ethylene, ethylene, ethylene oxide
You’re colorless and flammable, dontcha know
You’re made up of two alkyl groups
Bound up to oxygen in a loop
Your mutagenic smell is sickly sweet
Polysorbate-20’s made from you
And thermobaric weapons too
And I have gotta write about you, Ethylene

Ethylene, ethylene, ethylene oxide …
The chemists call you C2H4O
Ethylene, ethylene, ethylene oxide
You’re colorless and flammable, dontcha know

As solvents go, you are dirt cheap
You're what tastes sweet in antifreeze
Dogs lick you up and die, Ethylene

Tom Lehrer sang the periodic chart
But, hell, I guess I ain't that smart
So I'll finish what I started, Ethylene

Ethylene, ethylene, ethylene oxide …
The chemists call you C2H4O
Ethylene, ethylene, ethylene oxide
You’re colorless and flammable, dontcha know

The Ballad of Newt Gingrich

(to the tune of "The Ballad of Gilligan's Island")

Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a man named Newt
Who wanted sex with lots of chicks
And a marriage vow that's moot

His first wife had a tumor
Her white blood cell count was shot
Newt divorced her in the hospital
Jackie was no longer hot

His second spouse was Marianne
An understanding wife
Newt asked her for an open bed
And she picked up a knife

His third wife was Callista
She was pliable and young
Like Monica Lewinsky
She likes a guy who's hung

So this is the tale of our candidate
Savior of the USA
Newt says don't do what you see me do
Just do what I say!