(to the tune of "The Ballad of Gilligan's Island")
Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a man named Newt
Who wanted sex with lots of chicks
And a marriage vow that's moot
His first wife had a tumor
Her white blood cell count was shot
Newt divorced her in the hospital
Jackie was no longer hot
His second spouse was Marianne
An understanding wife
Newt asked her for an open bed
And she picked up a knife
His third wife was Callista
She was pliable and young
Like Monica Lewinsky
She likes a guy who's hung
So this is the tale of our candidate
Savior of the USA
Newt says don't do what you see me do
Just do what I say!
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