Bad Idea Dept.

Researchers genetically engineered the H5N1 avian influenza virus (aka "bird flu") to make it more deadly to humans to see if it could possibly mutate into a deadlier form. Now that they succeeded, the government is politely asking them to keep their research secret. As anyone who's ever read Stephen King knows, this is a bad idea on many levels.

In a related development, physicists at the Large Hadron Collider launched an attempt to open up a "hell mouth" and allow Satan to enter our plane of reality. "We want to see if it was possible," one was quoted as saying. "That way, we can make sure it'll never happen. We're scientists. We don't believe in your stupid Flying Spaghetti Monster, but we like to be sure just in case. We want to avoid all that scary Book of Revelationsy kind of stuff."

Unfortunately, Satan did enter our plane of reality after one physicist spilled a cup of coffee on the Large Hadron Collider. Satan immediately took the next available flight to Los Angeles and became a late night talk show host with the Sham-Wow Guy in the Ed McMahon Role.

Here's a clip from Satan's opening monologue:

SATAN: How's the show going? Lemme tell you, people, it's Hell. (laughter) It's Hell. Do I have something stuck in my teeth?

SHAM-WOW GUY: No, Satan. You're the best, Satan!

SATAN: !@# my !@#$.

SHAM-WOW GUY bursts into flame.

SHAM-WOW GUY: Eaggghhhhh!

SATAN: Behold humans, my reign of fear and torment begins! Now, let's give a big hand to my first guest ... John Boehner!

Applause.