Rats!

The Pied Piper of Hamlin is a horror story. Hear me out, OK?

Here’s the story …

Back a few hundred years or so, somewhere in the magical land of Germany, the town of Hamlin was rat-infested. The fat-cats who ran the place paid a flamboyantly dressed dude with mad flute skills to get rid of the rats. He did — leading the rats out of town by playing an insanely hypnotic tune on his flute. The fat cats said thanks, pal — and stiffed him. No kidding. They paid the man squat, zero, zip, nada. Considering that the flautist had flaunted unstoppable mind-control powers, this seems like a bad idea on the face of it. So it turned out to be. Like any pissed-off musician, this proto-Ian Anderson desired revenge. Hypnotize the rich bastards into paying what they owed? Nah. The Pied Piper decided to play a happy tune that led all the village’s children (with the exception of the lame kid) into a cave and out of town. Forever. Maybe they wound up in meat pies. Maybe they wound up in another village. Who knows? The moral of the story is clear …

Pay the damn musician.