Thursday, July 30, 2015

After the fall. Day One.

Angel with flaming sword drives Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. The Serpent slithers along with them.

ADAM: Own! Stop poking me with that thing! I’m leaving already

The Angel gives them the bum’s rush through the back door of the Garden. The door slams shut.
They find themselves in a scruffy wooded area. Not a desert. But no damn Garden.

EVE: Well that went well.

ADAM: Went well? This is a freaking nightmare.

SERPENT: Stop complaining, pal. At least you’ve still got your arms and legs.

ADAM: Hey, it was your suggestion.

SERPENT: This is my fault?

ADAM: You told me to eat the fruit.

SERPENT: I never thought you’d take me seriously! If I told you to jump in the lake …

ADAM: Yeah. I probably would’ve. I didn’t know any better.

EVE: That’s what’s been bugging me.

SERPENT: OK. Complete the thought.

EVE: Well, eating the fruit is bad, right? But I didn’t know it’s bad until I ate the fruit. It’s the knowledge of good and evil, right? So how were we supposed to know it’s bad to eat it before we eat it?

ADAM: God told us not to eat it. That’s how we know.

EVE: Yeah, but we didn’t know disobeying God was bad until …

ADAM: Huh. Yeah. I see where you’re going with this. So, either God’s setting us up to fail...

EVE: Or it’s some kind of test.

ADAM: If …

SERPENT: Ahhh, stop it, stop it.

EVE: Stop what?

SERPENT: This kind of talk. If you keep this up, next thing you’ll know you’ll start a religion.

EVE: What’s religion?

SERPENT: Lots of rules that don’t make sense about stuff you can’t see.

ADAM: OK, rule number one: Don’t make a religion.

EVE: “Thou shalt not make a religion.” That sounds better.

ADAM: We better write it down somewhere.

SERPENT: OK, I’m out of here.

ADAM: Where you going?

SERPENT: Ireland. I’ll be safe there.

He starts to go.

EVE: Bye-bye beautiful snake.

Serpent stops. Looks at her. Senses something.

SERPENT: Bye-bye to you too, sweetheart. Oh … and mazel tov on the new arrivals.

EVE: What?

SERPENT: You’re going to have twins.

EVE: Twins?

SERPENT: Little babies. Miniature versions of you. Two of 'em.

EVE: Wow. (looking up) Which one’s the baby tree?

SERPENT: No, no, no. They come out of the place you go to the bathroom.

ADAM: He’s obviously lying.

SERPENT: Yeah … you’ll find out. See you.

He slithers away for good.

EVE: So what do we do now?

ADAM: I dunno. Invent agriculture and start the rudimentary beginnings of civilization?

EVE: Fine by me.

Neanderthal man walks by, straight out of the Time-Life evolution chart.

ADAM: OK. Now I’m just confused.

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