Monday, August 24, 2015

Franz Kafka's Want Ads

"Lose weight now! Ask me how!"
NOW HIRING! PENAL COLONY COMMANDANT. Cutting-edge penal institution urgently seeks qualified correctional superviser due to previous superviser’s unfortunate accident w/ correctional device. Will manage facility and occasionally torture inmates. People skills a must. No tattoos. Experienced applicants only, former Gitmo officers welcome. $23,000 - $33,000 a year. The Penal Colony.

LAND SURVEYOR WANTED. Mysterious institution in Eastern European castle seeks qualified land surveyor. Must be attentive to detail, diligent with paperwork and have last name beginning with “K.” Do not attempt contact. We will contact you. Or not. Salary unspecified. DasSchloss.

HUNGER ARTIST OPPORTUNITY! Now auditioning performance artists specializing in starvation. Anorexia a plus, must be self-starter. Temporary engagement only. Please send head shot, performance history and photostat of Actors Equity card. Compensation based on percentage of ticket sales. Der Zirkus.
ROOM FOR RENT: SAMSA FAMILY. Immediate availability! Fall in love with spacious, light-filled, furnished room in quiet home of bourgeoisie family. Kitchen privileges. Free wi-fi. Cleaning service and board also included. Guaranteed insect free! (Respectable professionals only. Marriageable gentlemen preferred.) $600/mo. Negotiable. SamsaFamily.

BOUNTY HUNTER PAYOFF! Desperate international fugitive now at large fleeing punishment for unspecified crime after conviction in secret trial. If you catch these creeps for a living, his run for his life is your run for the money. Target answers to the name of “K,” does not work for Castle. Photo, description on website. Serious bonus, no questions asked. DerProcess.

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