Quake Kills Quisp in Vicious Beating

SAN FRANCISCO,(AP) - JUNE 17, 1973 Unemployed cereal spokesperson Quake viciously beat rival spokesalien Quisp to death in a protracted attack. The incident occurred at a Ralph's on the outskirts of San Francisco where Quisp had appeared in a cereal-related promotional event. As filming began, a visibly drunken Quake emerged from the grocery store floor and violently seized Quisp by his propeller. The fatal beating then ensued before an audience of 30 children and the Quaker Oats camera crew. Allegedly.

Following the incident, Quake immediately surrendered to San Francisco police officers called to the scene. When informed of his rights he replied, "I know my !@# rights, !@#$. I killed the little !@#, OK? !@#$# little !@#$ alien comes down to earth and puts me out of a job? !@# that @$#@!."

In 1972, the Quaker Oats corporation had asked cereal-users (primarily children) to vote on whether Quisp or Quake was their favorite cereal. Response overwhelmingly favored Quisp. Out of a sample base of 2,789,563 voters, only 39 expressed a preference for Quake. (Respondents repeatedly stressed the "threatening" or "menacing" nature of Quake's Paul Bunyan-like persona.) The Quaker Oats corporation immediately ceased production of Quake cereal and dismissed Quake as cereal spokesperson. A visibly humiliated Quake withdrew from public sight and did not emerge until this incident.

Authorities stress that, despite Quake's public confession and the 11.30 minutes of film footage of the beating, any discussion of Quake's motivation, guilt, or mental capacity is merely speculative until the trial.