EXT, ICY LANDSCAPE, NORTH POLE -- DAY
Hermey the Elf and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer enjoy a sleigh ride.
Then holler in surprise and abruptly stop before a large, perfectly spherical
crater in the ice. They peer down from the edge and see ...
Hermey: Look Rudolph! A flying saucer!
Rudolph: Wow, the door's busted open. Hey -- let’s look
inside!
Hermey: I dunno, Rudolph. Looks awful dark in there.
Rudolph's nose lights up.
Rudolph: I'll light the way!
One side of the crater has collapsed, forming a convenient ramp. They
climb down and enter the saucer, which is canted at a slight
angle. Sleigh won't fit, so they leave it behind.
A Rankin Bass-type swirly snow effect obscures our view.
EXT, WRECKED SAUCER - DAY
An ice block slowly emerges from the wrecked saucer door. Gradually, we
see the obscure form of a dead alien inside — like a fly in a practical joke
ice cube. The ice block seems to magically move out of the door by itself. Once it's nearly
free, Hermey and Rudolph emerge — we see they're behind the block, pushing it.
The ice block finally tumbles out. Hermey and Rudolph strap the ice block
to the sleigh. With red-faced effort, they pull the sleigh up the ramp and keep
dragging the sleigh through the icy wasteland.
Hermey: Wait’ll Santa gets a load of this!
Swirly snow effect.
EXT, SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NIGHT
Santa stands expectantly, Mrs. Claus behind him. Rudolph and Hermey
flank the workshop door.
Santa: Ho-ho-ho. You don't need to surprise me, boys. That’s my
job.
Hermey: Not this time, Santa. (nods to Rudolph)
Rudolph opens door to workshop ...
Rudolph: Surprise!
Santa confronts a twisted living pretzel made of bloody mutated reindeer
bits all fused together.
Alien Reindeer Mutant Thing: Myelleeagghhrrggh!
The Reindeer Thing leaps at Santa.
Santa: Jesus!
Hermey lights it up with a flamethrower. It screams horrifically. Finally
dies.
Santa: Hermey?
Hermey: Uh ... yeah, Santa?
Santa: Where did you get that flamethrower?
Hermey: Oh, uh, back at the workshop.
Santa: Back at the workshop?
Hermey: Yeah. We're cranking 'em out like crazy this year, Santa. Kids
love ‘em!
Santa looks at him disapprovingly
Hermey: Am I in trouble, Santa?
Santa: Ho-ho-ho! No, Hermey. We can always get more reindeer.
Rudolph looks pissed.
Santa: I’m sure everything’s all right, now. Right, Mrs. Claus?
Mrs. Claus smiles ... shudders. Her head splits open. Writhing tentacles
emerge.
Showing seriously quick reflexes, Hermey roasts the Mrs. Claus Thing like a marshmallow. It screams
hideously, takes a long time to die. Santa looks on in horror.
Rudolph: It's OK, Santa. You can always get another ...
Hermey in the background continues to incinerate the fragments of the
Mrs. Claus Thing.
Santa: (to Rudolph) Shut up, you dimbulb ... Don't you get it?
Rudolph shrugs, looks puzzled.
Santa: I have no way of knowing who's ... naughty.
Hermey toasts some remaining drops of Mrs. Claus' blood on the ground. The
blood sizzles and writhes.
Hermey: Maybe we do, Santa.
Elf: (OS) Hey, what's cooking?
Hermey, Santa and Rudolph turn to look …
At the various Elves who've all joined the party.
Swirly snow effect.
INT, SANTA'S WORKSHOP - NIGHT
Hermey, holding his flamethrower, faces various Elves tied to chairs.
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! There's nothing to worry about, boys!
Elf: Nothing to worry about?
Santa: No. Rudolph’s just going to take some blood!
Elf: This is seriously …
Rudolph trots up, pricks one of the Elves. Its face immediately splits
open. Tentacles and ichor pop out. The other Elves scream. Hermey raises
flamethrower. It sputters, doesn't fire.
Santa: You gotta be f—
Swirly snow effect.
EXT, ICY ARCTIC LANDSCAPE, SANTA'S WORKSHOP
IN DISTANCE - NIGHT
The Burl Ives Snowman rolls into frame, stops.
Burl Ives Snowman: Well, it was a Christmas to remember for Santa and
his friends. But things turned out all right.
Unholy screams in the background.
Burl Ives Snowman: Really. Heh. Like I said, things turned out all
right.
More screams. Explosions. The Burl Ives Snowman rolls up to the camera.
Extends his snowy hand.
Burl Ives Snowman: Turn that damn thing off!
BLACK
Title: John Carpenter’s “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Coming soon to a theater near you.
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