The Great Truth Extinction

Announcer: 65 million years ago, a rogue asteroid slammed into what is now the Yucatan Peninsula.

CGI animation illustrates.

Announcer: (VO) The resulting explosion, ecological destruction and "nuclear winter" wiped out 97% of all dinosaur species.

CGI dinosaurs looking up with an "Oh shit" look in their eyes.

Blam.

Announcer: That's what they'd like you to believe. That's what we've all been taught. Only one problem. It's not true. The truth is far more disturbing, especially if you're a giant lizard.

Scary music.

Announcer: Sometimes government conspiracies can be far more deadly than a rock from space.

INT, DARK ROOM - NIGHT

Shadowy clip of huddled figures around a table plotting evil and smoking cigars.

Announcer: But sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Flare of light.

INT, DR. MANYAK'S LAB - DAY

Messy but charming lab. Announcer strides up to us. Dr. Manyak is sitting in the background surrounded by pop-culture cliche scientific props (bubbling flasks, a Tesla Ball, etc.) and a flat-screen display. Dr. Manyak has wild hair, like Einstein.

Announcer: Tonight on Connecting the Dots, we'll be sharing shocking new evidence that proves that a shadowy government conspiracy killed the noble dinosaurs. Here's an expert we found, Dr. Manyak, PhD and HMWB. He's wearing a lab coat and has diplomas on the wall. Some of them have Latin words on them. When the good doctor speaks, we listen. What do you have to say, doctor?

Dr. Manyak: The killer asteroid was scientifically impossible.

Announcer: There you have it. Dr. Manyak, a leading expert in his field, said the killer asteroid was "impossible." He said it. Scientifically speaking, assertion is proof. But please tell us more.

Dr. Manyak indicates graphic on flat screen.

DR. MANYAK: Consider the size of the so-called impact crater -- otherwise known as the "Chicxulub crater." (points to roughly circular graphic of crater on screen) As you can see, it has a diameter of approximately 10 kilometers. This would imply an iron-nickel object about the size of the Rock of Gibraltar.

Announcer: Was it the Rock of Gibraltar?

Dr. Manyak: No. Different rock, same size and mass, more or less. Now what do you think would happen if such an object were to strike the earth?

Announcer: You tell me.

Dr. Manyak: Well. Upon impact, such a superheated iron-nickel mass would have fused with melted silica deposits, creating metallic nodules embedding a glassy substrate below the point of impact. Obviously.

Announcer: (not following) Yes ... obviously.

Dr. Manyak. But nothing of the sort exist. In fact, no impact residue of any kind has been found whatsoever. Ever.

Announcer: Why has no impact residue been found?

Dr. Manyak: Why? (chuckles) Well, in terms of classic logic we call that, "Begging the question."

Announcer: How? What?

Dr. Manyak: Well, your very question contains the nested assumption that there was an impact. Why would you assume that?

Announcer: I ... I don't know.

Dr. Manyak: There was clearly an explosion. But why assume that it was created by an object from space? Clearly, this hypothesis doesn't line up with the facts on the ground. But a thermonuclear explosion would. (points to screen) Ground zero would be here. Where the thermonuclear device was planted.

Announcer: But ... who planted the device?

Dr. Manyak: Ah. Now that's an intelligent question.

EXT, STONEHENGE - DAY

Announcer: And Dr. Manyak gave an intelligent answer. A very disturbing answer. As disturbing as the ritual of human sacrifice at Stonehenge. He also answered a question I didn't ask. What would've happened if the dinosaurs had never been destroyed?

Montage illustrates what Announcer says.

Announcer: (VO) According to Dr. Manyak, in this alternate timeline, the Velociraptors would have acquired language and tool-making skills, become peaceful, and adopted mammals as pets. Millions of years later, humans and dinosaurs would live together in peace in a utopia resembling the hippie school in "Billy Jack." The energy running this civilization? Sunlight and the flapping wings of butterflies. Sounds good, right? But, to a conspiracy of humans on Jekyll Island, this was too good to be true.

INT, CREEPY MANSION - NIGHT
A sign announces "Human League"

More creepy lab equipment. Two conspirators at work. Human scientists. The evil variety.

Evil Human Scientist #1: I've invented the H-bomb. If only we could send it back in time

Evil Human Scientist #2: You're not going to believe this. I've invented the time machine.

Evil Human Scientist #1: Screw the dinosaurs!

They high-five. Then send the H-Bomb back in time.

EXT, PARK, DINOTOWN - DAY - 65 Million Years BC
Barney watches little dinosaurs playing at the playground.

Barney: Gosh what a beautiful day. Nothing could possibly go wrong!

An H-Bomb vaporizes the city behind the park. Barney clutches the chain-link fence and is flash-fried like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. Along with all the other dinosaurs.

INT, DR. MANYAK'S LAB

Announcer: But ... why would they kill the dinosaurs?

Dr. Manyak: Why? For the oldest reason in the world. Follow the money.

Announcer: The money?

Dr. Manyak: Yes. Think. What did the dead dinosaurs become?

Announcer: Oil?

Dr. Manyak: (knowingly) Oil.

Montage of evil oil wells as in World Party's "Ship of Fools" video. Montage concludes with --

EXT, SINCLAIR OIL GAS STATION

Slow zoom on old Sinclair Oil sign. Close in on dinosaur silhouette. Hold.

Raising your Gifted Child

Through no fault of their own, your child may alienate his non-gifted playmates. Try to be understanding.

Encourage you child's interest in computers and technology.

Your child may reveal astonishing artistic ability. Encourage this as well.

The structured learning environment of a typical public school may leave your child feeling bored and alienated.

Excuse me, could you direct me to the Nazi section

For some reason, evil fascinates us. Go to the library. There are, maybe, three books on the Quakers. There are shelves and shelves of books about the Nazis. The Quakers had oatmeal. The Nazis had Zyklon-B. The Quakers founded the City of Brotherly Love. The Nazis invaded Poland. Strictly speaking, I'd rather hang out with Quakers. But people want to read about Nazis.

Sunyatta Supermarket: Where shopping really sucks!

INT, SUPERMARKET
Bored-looking customers at the check-out line. One is a crazed Mad Scientist with hair like a Treasure Troll. He reaches into his lab coat and pulls out an apparatus resembling a Thermos bottle.

MAD SCIENTIST: So it was prophesied. Well, yes, of course. Anyway.

He unscrews the apparatus. A micro-black hole pops out, and immediately begins sucking the screaming clerk and customers inside. Along with the cackling Mad Scientist, not to mention the candy bars, glossy magazines, and the end-cap display filled with disposable razors and batteries.

A bored-looking Manager looks over from Customer Service. Surveys the carnage. Thinks. Then pulls the microphone closer. Speaks into it ...

MANAGER: Void on Aisle 7. Void on Aisle 7.

Dr. Monster's Super Villain Aptitude Test

Exciting careers await in the expanding field of supervillainry! Do you have what it takes? Select the response that feels right to you and find out!

1. Are your decisions based on objective fact or emotions?

(A) I remain objective.

(B) The question is irrelevant. I bend the world to my will and create the facts that I desire.

(C) I struggle not to let feelings cloud my judgment but they often do.

2. When making decisions, do you leave your options open or prefer to have matters settled?

(A) I like to leave my options open.

(B) I narrow the options based on the options I think are best in this situation.

(C) Nothing should ever go wrong. There is no room or excuse for failure. “Plan B” is for the weak.

3. Do you prefer developing new and innovative systems or making existing systems better?

(A) I like to develop new, innovative systems.

(B) Humanity is a flock of mindless sheep. Their pitiful “existing systems” mean nothing to me. I will lay them to waste and create a perfect world in my image.

(C) I just want to make existing systems work more efficiently.

4. Where do you fall in a scale between logical and analytical and personable and sensitive?

(A) Your categories are limited and pathetic. My soul cannot be mapped by such crude parameters. The last person who tried died in unimaginable agony.

(B) I am logical but I do have a heart, too.

(C) I am personable and sensitive to the exclusion of logic.

5. Are you more of a practical, hands-on worker or an idea person?

(C) I am a practical, hands-on worker.

(B) I am an idea person who sometimes finds it easier to be quiet and focus on work.

(C) Ideas mean nothing without work. The ideas of the true superman must create work. The burning fire inside my brain will set my minions to the task at hand.

6. Are you a detail person or do you go with the flow?

(A) I am a detail person.

(B) I am a detail-oriented person but sometimes there’s no time for that.

(C) I am the flow. My impulses are always right. I simply act. Thinking is for the weak. My will is the will of God. The Tao, history, destiny, God—whatever insipid term you care to use—flows through me, and only through me. Behold! I have come to change the world in my image, to bring new order, and destruction and pain to the weak. For petty details, I prefer the Google Day Planner widget. It is quite intuitive.

7. On social occasions do you prefer listening to what is going on around you or do you prefer watching the goings-on?

(A) I do not watch the mob; they watch me--offering abject, cringing obedience. No talking, though hymns in my honor are acceptable.

(B) I prefer to listen but sometimes I like to watch, too.

(C) I don't like to be too aware of what other people are doing or saying.

8. How do you prefer to learn—through diagrams and pictures or through experiments and activities?

(A) I prefer to learn by viewing diagrams and pictures.

(B) I like classes that mix visual and hands-on training.

(C) My days of learning are over. I am here to give lessons. They shall come in many forms.

9. When assigned a task, do you start by reading the instructions or figure it out as you go?

(A) Who would dare assign me a task? I must search my memory for the last time this happened. I was 7, yes, that’s it. My father told me to rake the leaves off the front porch. I set him on fire.

(B) I feel uncomfortable undertaking a task until I have been trained in the procedures.

(C) I think I can figure this out as I go but I will glance at the directions if needed.

10. Which of the following best describes your ability to speak and persuade others?

(A) I am always able to persuade others that I am right.

(B) I speak. The weak submit. They know their master’s voice! They honor me with their eyes and expressions of pathetic devotion, almost sexual. I feel no honor, for they are weak.

(C) I have a hard time persuading others.

If I wanted America to fail ...

Before the final exam, I would keep America up late at night and get America drunk.

I would attack America's self-image and make America cry.

I would hide America's keys before an important job interview.

I would break into America's house and do multiple searches for "Evil clown fisting" in Google.

Van Gogh Gogh