Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Great Truth Extinction

Announcer: 65 million years ago, a rogue asteroid slammed into what is now the Yucatan Peninsula.

CGI animation illustrates.

Announcer: (VO) The resulting explosion, ecological destruction and "nuclear winter" wiped out 97% of all dinosaur species.

CGI dinosaurs looking up with an "Oh shit" look in their eyes.


Announcer: That's what they'd like you to believe. That's what we've all been taught. Only one problem. It's not true. The truth is far more disturbing, especially if you're a giant lizard.

Scary music.

Announcer: Sometimes government conspiracies can be far more deadly than a rock from space.


Shadowy clip of huddled figures around a table plotting evil and smoking cigars.

Announcer: But sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Flare of light.


Messy but charming lab. Announcer strides up to us. Dr. Manyak is sitting in the background surrounded by pop-culture cliche scientific props (bubbling flasks, a Tesla Ball, etc.) and a flat-screen display. Dr. Manyak has wild hair, like Einstein.

Announcer: Tonight on Connecting the Dots, we'll be sharing shocking new evidence that proves that a shadowy government conspiracy killed the noble dinosaurs. Here's an expert we found, Dr. Manyak, PhD and HMWB. He's wearing a lab coat and has diplomas on the wall. Some of them have Latin words on them. When the good doctor speaks, we listen. What do you have to say, doctor?

Dr. Manyak: The killer asteroid was scientifically impossible.

Announcer: There you have it. Dr. Manyak, a leading expert in his field, said the killer asteroid was "impossible." He said it. Scientifically speaking, assertion is proof. But please tell us more.

Dr. Manyak indicates graphic on flat screen.

DR. MANYAK: Consider the size of the so-called impact crater -- otherwise known as the "Chicxulub crater." (points to roughly circular graphic of crater on screen) As you can see, it has a diameter of approximately 10 kilometers. This would imply an iron-nickel object about the size of the Rock of Gibraltar.

Announcer: Was it the Rock of Gibraltar?

Dr. Manyak: No. Different rock, same size and mass, more or less. Now what do you think would happen if such an object were to strike the earth?

Announcer: You tell me.

Dr. Manyak: Well. Upon impact, such a superheated iron-nickel mass would have fused with melted silica deposits, creating metallic nodules embedding a glassy substrate below the point of impact. Obviously.

Announcer: (not following) Yes ... obviously.

Dr. Manyak. But nothing of the sort exist. In fact, no impact residue of any kind has been found whatsoever. Ever.

Announcer: Why has no impact residue been found?

Dr. Manyak: Why? (chuckles) Well, in terms of classic logic we call that, "Begging the question."

Announcer: How? What?

Dr. Manyak: Well, your very question contains the nested assumption that there was an impact. Why would you assume that?

Announcer: I ... I don't know.

Dr. Manyak: There was clearly an explosion. But why assume that it was created by an object from space? Clearly, this hypothesis doesn't line up with the facts on the ground. But a thermonuclear explosion would. (points to screen) Ground zero would be here. Where the thermonuclear device was planted.

Announcer: But ... who planted the device?

Dr. Manyak: Ah. Now that's an intelligent question.


Announcer: And Dr. Manyak gave an intelligent answer. A very disturbing answer. As disturbing as the ritual of human sacrifice at Stonehenge. He also answered a question I didn't ask. What would've happened if the dinosaurs had never been destroyed?

Montage illustrates what Announcer says.

Announcer: (VO) According to Dr. Manyak, in this alternate timeline, the Velociraptors would have acquired language and tool-making skills, become peaceful, and adopted mammals as pets. Millions of years later, humans and dinosaurs would live together in peace in a utopia resembling the hippie school in "Billy Jack." The energy running this civilization? Sunlight and the flapping wings of butterflies. Sounds good, right? But, to a conspiracy of humans on Jekyll Island, this was too good to be true.

A sign announces "Human League"

More creepy lab equipment. Two conspirators at work. Human scientists. The evil variety.

Evil Human Scientist #1: I've invented the H-bomb. If only we could send it back in time

Evil Human Scientist #2: You're not going to believe this. I've invented the time machine.

Evil Human Scientist #1: Screw the dinosaurs!

They high-five. Then send the H-Bomb back in time.

EXT, PARK, DINOTOWN - DAY - 65 Million Years BC
Barney watches little dinosaurs playing at the playground.

Barney: Gosh what a beautiful day. Nothing could possibly go wrong!

An H-Bomb vaporizes the city behind the park. Barney clutches the chain-link fence and is flash-fried like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. Along with all the other dinosaurs.


Announcer: But ... why would they kill the dinosaurs?

Dr. Manyak: Why? For the oldest reason in the world. Follow the money.

Announcer: The money?

Dr. Manyak: Yes. Think. What did the dead dinosaurs become?

Announcer: Oil?

Dr. Manyak: (knowingly) Oil.

Montage of evil oil wells as in World Party's "Ship of Fools" video. Montage concludes with --


Slow zoom on old Sinclair Oil sign. Close in on dinosaur silhouette. Hold.

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