Turds!

Original title: "Existential Honeymoon" ("Existenční líbánky")

(c) 1996 Alexei Janecek

An English-as-a-Second Language-Theatre production

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

MAN (preferring to be played by male actor)

WOMAN (in similar way portrayed by female equivalent, wishing no offense to Caryl Churchill or Dame Edna, but is author's intent regarding nature of performance)

PLAYWRIGHT'S NOTE: Characters example of newlyweds, 20something is preference, young, not ugly. Archetypal "Man" and "Woman" as implied by names "MAN" and "WOMAN." Thornton Wilder did something like this a long time ago. Or maybe Samuel Beckett?

Beginning of play or possibly film now.

Please start.

INT. INSIDE OF HALLWAY, APPARENTLY HOTEL -- IS LIGHT FROM SOMEWHERE. IT COULD BE THE MOON OR THE SUN OR A LIGHT OUTSIDE. THERE ARE NO CLOCKS ON THE WALLS SO IT CANNOT HONESTLY BE SAID IF IT IS DAY OR NIGHT. ANYWAY, BIG HALLWAY. MANY DOORS.

MAN holding WOMAN walking. Down hallway, should have said. She (WOMAN) is dressed in white dress of wedding-appropriate attire. He (MAN) is wearing what is termed "tuxedo." (Also appropriate for wedding.) The garment of the MAN is black, creating obvious contrast to the garment of the WOMAN. This is "subtext," but very important. No blue tuxedo, please.

MAN: Hello! Is time for love nesting!

WOMAN: Not breaking head, please!

MAN: No problem. Eyes closed I have requested!

WOMAN: Left and right simultaneously, puppet.

MAN struggles with burden of WOMAN through doorway. Is symbolic.

MAN: Honeymoon of dreams! Eyes opening is now permitted.

As suggested, WOMAN opens eyes. Still carrying bride, (woman also known as "WOMAN"), MAN (man known as "MAN") pushes through door of doorway. Suddenly! Turds fall on heads of MAN and WOMAN!. (PLAYWRIGHT'S NOTE: Important no foreshadowing. Turds must simply fall!) MAN and WOMAN react!!!!

MAN and WOMAN: (together) Turds!

WOMAN: Shrieking and wailing!

Kicking of pretty legs.

WOMAN: Aggggh! I hate these turds! In my eyes they fall!

MAN: You took the turds right out of my mouth!

PLAYWRIGHT'S NOTE: Turds, of course, should fall into his mouth. I.e.: the mouth of the MAN.

INT -- HOTEL ROOM
If play, brilliant set comprising KITCHEN, BEDROOM, BIG ROOM WITH TV like a cutaway hamster cage so the audience can see everything that happens at the same time. (Aristotelian Unity, in other words.) If movie, hotel room. 

TURDS have fallen on our heroes. Don't forget this point!

Inside HOTEL ROOM, action continues.

MAN puts WOMAN down. Quickly with hands they remove disgusting matter of excretory nature. (I.e.: turds.) This action is completed! Now? MAN and WOMAN ... Make laughter. (Mood of play or possibly film must change to not-so slapstick. Tender, possibly. Or Quentin Tarantino.) Now what?

Important story point!

Together (yet alone!), MAN and WOMAN looking around at hotel room. Not so bad! Whole place is decorated with many dead flowers and jokes about impending awkward sexual encounter and rottenness of marriage printed on shiny cards. Perhaps this is setting for happiness?

WOMAN: Philosophical attitude!

MAN: Agreed together!

MAN and WOMAN: (together) Champagne time!

WOMAN: Awaiting you in bed!

WOMAN giggles and into bedroom walks or runs removing garments.

In opposite direction, MAN into kitchen walks or runs. 

PLAYWRIGHT'S NOTE: If movie, the different places inside the hotel room are created with editing in the editing process. If play, all the stupid crap is happening on stage at the same time.

INT, KITCHEN
In kitchen, MAN opens door of refrigerator in kitchen. Wow! Many things which are bad for you but appealing to senses, inside. The refrigerator. Champagne bottle is one example. (It need not be explained that friends or someone have put nice things there, as-in refrigerator, because of liking MAN or WOMAN or both of them.) MAN looks at all this stuff!

INT, BEDROOM

WOMAN in fluffy bed calls out to MAN with suggestive attitude. Nudge nudge! Wink wink! (Action is simultaneous. Unity of time, of course.)

WOMAN: Impatient, Love Cosmonaut!

MAN: Countdown for rocketship!

WOMAN: Launching pad!

Responding biologically, MAN removes champagne bottle and returns to WOMAN with bottle, also glasses, two. Running to bed! 

INT, BEDROOM

MAN: To health!
With thick fingers MAN applies leverage to pop cork of bottle with champagne inside. Turds emerge immediately -- shooting forward at MAN and WOMAN at great velocity due to pressure inside of bottle. Boyle's Law is the explanation. MAN and WOMAN are covered with ...

MAN and WOMAN: (together) Turds!

FIN!
Curtain and blackness. We have no idea what happens next!


PLAYWRIGHT'S NOTE: "Fin" is the French or possibly Italian word for "End." In Czech, the term is "Konec," but I think the English "End" is better. One syllable. A flat vowel and a hard consonant. The sound is more like death.

OK, that's it. But I am told to say these things ...

Original playscript or possibly filmscript by Alexej Janecek

Translation also by Alexej Janecek

Additional dialogue by Rayna Janecek. 

From a story suggested by Vaclav Havel

Portions of script inspired by "longformy" improv session at IMPROTŘESK 1996, taking place in Prague by lovely hilarious friends of Czech Improv Troupe, saying "Lift all the dialogue you want, it's a stupid bit anyway," to which I am indebted, as, of course, I did what they said.

Elements of earlier draft of script incorporated by permission in "Ze života hmyzu" by Jan Švankmajer. 

ESL translation originally performed in workshop session at ESL Theatre, Trenton, New Jersey, May 1, 1996. Creative input of Willem Dafoe cannot be overestimated.

All Rights Reserved, apparently

(c) 1996 Alexei Janecek

Filmed or live performance of this script or audio recording is strictly forbidden without expression permission of the author of this work. 

I know how ridiculous it is to say I am the "author" but I am told to say it.