Monday, October 14, 1996

Conspiracy? We don't need no steenking conspiracy!

A sign announces ...

SECRET CONSPIRACY OF RICH BASTARDS
an equal opportunity employer


This is above the freaky, paranoiac image of the eye on the floating pyramid.

The meeting is attended by MR. BURNS, RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS (aka the MONOPOLY MAN), RICHIE RICH and the MONOPOLY OCTOPUS.

MR. BURNS: Well, gentlemen. (bangs gavel) This meeting of the Secret Conspiracy of Rich Bastards is hereby called to order. Old business? Monopoly Octopus!

MONOPOLY OCTOPUS shrugs.

MR. BURNS: Excellent. New business?

RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS: The destruction of the middle class proceeds.

MR. BURNS: How shall this be accomplished?

RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS: I defer to Richie Rich.

MR. BURNS: Very well. Richie. How do we destroy the petite bourgeoise?

RICHIE RICH: You're going to die, grandpa. And I'm gonna piss on your grave.

MR. BURNS: You're a little shit, Richie Rich. But I like the way you think. Now answer the bloody question.

RICHIE RICH: With these, pops! (whips out credit card)

MR. BURNS: Ah! The ever-tightening vice of compound interest.

The assembly laughs.

MONOPOLY OCTOPUS: But .. why? Why give stuff away?

MR. BURNS: Why? You cretinous cephalapod! You ask why?

RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS: We shipped all the real jobs to China. Nobody's getting paid, stupid.

RICHIE RICH: The economy should crash.

RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS: But a crash in the standard of living might lead to a peasant's revolt!

MR. BURNS: And peasants are definitely revolting. But, by means of these magical plastic lozenges, the great unwashed can magically beam money from the future! They can maintain their standard of living! Buy cars, and stereos and so on and so forth ... for a time.

The assembly laughs again.

RICHIE RICH: We boil the frog, stupid.

RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS: Delaying the inevitable.

MONOPOLY OCTOPUS: Ah! Until the bottom drops out.

MR. BURNS: Now you're catching on!

RICHIE RICH: Stupid octopus.

MR. BURNS: Next order of business, William Jefferson Clinton. We had a deal. Grease the skids for our complete domination, and we'll soften the blow for the wretched Baby Boomers. Touching medical insurance was never part of the deal!

RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS: I should say not, sir! That's where we keep our money!

RICHIE RICH: Yeah. State the obvious, pops. That'll keep you out of the nursing home.

RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS: Fuck you, you little shit! Fuck you!

MONOPOLY OCTOPUS laughs.

MR. BURNS: Belay this squabbling! (whips out enormous paddle) Summon the miscreant!

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