Sunday, October 27, 1996

Pirate support groups

INT, CRAPPY MEETING HALL
We see a bunch of pirates sitting in a circle of metal folding chairs. BLACKBEARD is the leader.


BLACKBEARD: Yar. This here pirate support-group meeting be called to order. Feel free to share.

SMEE: I'm a bloody pirate. Sharing ain't me nature.

BLACKBEARD: Not yer gold, matey. Yer feelings. Spill yer guts.

Stabs him in the gut with a sword.


SMEE: Ya mean ... what's inside me?

BLACKBEARD: Yar. Until this moment.

SMEE: Yar. I'm sexually attracted to ...

He collapses.


BLACKBEARD: Guess we'll never know. Who's next?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Yar. (draws sword) I ain't born yesterday.

BLACKBEARD: Share or be damned!

LONG JOHN SILVER: You first.

BLACKBEARD: What be on yer heart?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Oy have no heart!

BLACKBEARD: Sure. But what de ye love, matey?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Gold.

PIRATES: Aye, gold, aye, aye.

CAPTAIN MORGAN: Rum.

BLACKBEARD: Sure. We all love gold, matey. There be general agreement on that score. What be the problem. Ye ain't got it, do ye?

LONG JOHN SILVER: No! Damn yer black eyes! No.

BLACKBEARD: Tell ye tale.

LONG JOHN SILVER: Aye. T'were a dark night for dark deeds. Four score and twenty men I lured to death to sink ye Black Pawn's treasure. A Carrib isle t'were its final resting place, what shape be like a question mark. X marks ye spot. As belike the map would indicate. Writ in blood in me own hand!

BLACKBEARD: The one yer missing?

LONG JOHN SILVER: (gestures with hook) Aye.

BLACKBEARD: Try a pen the next time.

The PIRATES laugh.

BLACKBEARD: Had it all planned out, did ye?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Aye.

BLACKBEARD: Came back for it, did ye? Years and years later. When the trail be cold? The naughty Board of Trade be off yer back?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Aye.

BLACKBEARD: So ye waited.

LONG JOHN SILVER: So oy did.

BLACKBEARD: And retaaarned.

LONG JOHN SILVER: Aye.

BLACKBEARD: But there be no sodding treasure.

LONG JOHN SILVER: No. No! (sobs) Oy want back and found nought but nothing nowheres!

BLACKBEARD: Why?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Meself be me self's worst enemy. Aye.

BLACKBEARD: What be ye quarrel? Twixt you and ye?

LONG JOHN SILVER: T'were...gold ... t'was all that mattered to me father! A banker he was. Ar ... I thought he rejected me. I thought I returned the favor. But all these years, oy just been trying to please him! (sobs) Me own love of gold be ye spitting image of his own!

BLACKBEARD: A breakthrough this is.

REDBEARD: Then ... where be the gold?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Where? Ar. Ask the devil when ye see him. (stabs him) In the meantime, fuck off.

He gets up and leaves.

BLACKBEARD: Have a donut on yar way out, John. Well, well. A jolly time we've had today. (to CAPTAIN BLOOD) What be your issue?

CAPTAIN BLOOD: Oy had farted.

BLACKBEARD: Fartin's not an issue.

CAPTAIN BLOOD: Ar. It affects me self-image it does.

BLACKBEARD: Fine. Stop farting so much.

CAPTAIN BLOOD: Can't help it.

The PIRATES groan, look disgusted, back their chairs away.

BLACKBEARD: Then stop calling attention to it. And stop wasting me time! (to CAPTAIN PHLEGM) What be yar issue?

CAPTAIN PHLEGM:(indicates guano-stained shoulder) Polly died.

BLACKBEARD: Ar. Ye be in the wrong support group, matey. "Pirates without parrots" be next door.

CAPTAIN PHLEGM: Ar. Thanks.

He leaves.

BLACKBEARD: Ar. Sorry. Well, I guess that be that then. Ar. Time for rousing tune! The Pirate Self-Help Song! With a will, lads!

PIRATES sing in unison:

We're co-dependent no more, lads.
Co-dependent no more.
We're balanced and centered and open and real.
We're co-dependent no more!


(individual PIRATES sing lines)

I have issues of personal boundaries.
I'm passive aggressive and snore.
I like to find women and kill them.

(in unison)
He just runs them through with his sword!

We're co-dependent no more, lads.
Co-dependent no more.
We're balanced and centered and open and real.
We're co-dependent no more!

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