Pirate support groups

INT, CRAPPY MEETING HALL - DAY
We see a bunch of pirates sitting in a circle of metal folding chairs. BLACKBEARD is the leader.

BLACKBEARD: Yar. This here pirate support-group meeting be called to order. Feel free to share.

SMEE: I'm a bloody pirate. Sharing ain't me nature.

BLACKBEARD: Not yer gold, matey. Yer feelings. Spill yer guts.

Stabs him in the gut with a sword.

SMEE: Ya mean ... what's inside me?

BLACKBEARD: Yar. Until this moment.

SMEE: Yar. I'm sexually attracted to ...

He collapses in a pool of his own entrails.

BLACKBEARD: Guess we'll never know. Who be next?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Yar. (draws sword) I warn't born yesterday.

BLACKBEARD: Share or be damned to ye!

LONG JOHN SILVER: Ye first.

BLACKBEARD: What be on yer heart?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Oy have no heart!

BLACKBEARD: Sure. But what de ye love, matey?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Gold. (smiles a gold-toothed grin)

PIRATES: Aye, gold, aye, aye.

CAPTAIN MORGAN: Rum.

BLACKBEARD: Sure. We all love gold, matey. Thar be general agreement on that score. What be the problem, then? (smirks) Ye ain't got it, do ye?

LONG JOHN SILVER: No! Damn yer black eyes! No.

BLACKBEARD: Tell ye tale.

LONG JOHN SILVER: Aye. T'were a dark night for dark deeds. Four score and twenty men I lured to death to sink ye Black Pawn's treasure. A Carrib isle t'were its final resting place, what shape be like a question mark. X marks ye spot. As belike the map would indicate. Writ in blood in me own hand!

BLACKBEARD: The one yer missing?

LONG JOHN SILVER: (gestures with hook) Aye.

BLACKBEARD: Try a pen next time.

The PIRATES laugh.

BLACKBEARD: Had it all planned out, did ye?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Aye.

BLACKBEARD: Came back for it, did ye? Years and years later. When the trail be cold? The naughty Board of Trade be off yer back?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Aye.

BLACKBEARD: So ye waited.

LONG JOHN SILVER: So oy did.

BLACKBEARD: And retaaarned.

LONG JOHN SILVER: Aye.

BLACKBEARD: But there be no sodding treasure.

LONG JOHN SILVER: No. No! (sobs) Oy want back and found nought but nothing nowheres!

BLACKBEARD: Why?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Meself be me self's worst enemy. Aye.

BLACKBEARD: What be ye quarrel? Twixt you and ye?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Twixt me and me father, arrr. That be the truth of it. A banker he was. And a right bastard what rejected me! Counting out his money he were. All the time! Money, money, money. Scribbling in his sodding ledgers! Day and night! He had all the time in the world for his precious money! But no time left to watch Little Johnny in the school play. Gold ... t'were all that mattered to him! I thought I returned the favor what by living a reprobate's life of plunder on the high seas. But I see now ... (chokes) All those years, oy were just trying to please him! (sobs) Me own love of gold be ye spitting image of his own!

The PIRATES applaud.

BLACKBEARD: A breakthrough this be.

REDBEARD: Then ... where be the gold?

LONG JOHN SILVER: Where? Ar. Ask the devil when ye see him. (stabs him) In the meantime, fuck off.

He gets up and leaves.

BLACKBEARD: Have a donut on yar way out, John. Well, well. A jolly time we've had today. (to CAPTAIN BLOOD) What be your issue?

CAPTAIN BLOOD: Oy had farted.

BLACKBEARD: Fartin's not an issue.

CAPTAIN BLOOD: Arr. It affects me self-image it does.

BLACKBEARD: Fine. Stop farting so much.

CAPTAIN BLOOD: Can't help it.

The PIRATES groan, look disgusted, back their chairs away.

BLACKBEARD: Then stop calling attention to it. And stop wasting me time! (to CAPTAIN PHLEGM) What be yar issue?

CAPTAIN PHLEGM:(indicates guano-stained shoulder) Polly died.

BLACKBEARD: Arr. Ye be in the wrong support group, matey. "Pirates without parrots" be next door.

CAPTAIN PHLEGM: Ar. Thanks.

He leaves.

BLACKBEARD: Arr. Sorry. Well, I guess that be that then. Arr. Time for rousing tune! "The Pirate Self-Help Song!" With a will, lads!

BLACKBEARD blows a pitch pipe to set the tune. 

The PIRATES sing the chorus in unison:

We're co-dependent no more, lads.
Co-dependent no more.
We're balanced and centered and open and real.
We're co-dependent no more!

(individual PIRATES sing lines)

I have issues of personal boundaries.
I'm passive aggressive and snore.
I like to find women and kill them.

(in unison)
He just runs them through with his sword!

We're co-dependent no more, lads.
Co-dependent no more.
We're balanced and centered and open and real.
We're co-dependent no more!