Sunday, January 13, 2002

Attack of the Cyberpunk Movie


Jack, a cyberpunk console cowboy is working away at a virtual deck. A apelike con with Nazi tattoos approaches him.

CON: Hey. You got a pretty face, you know that?

The con reaches out and grabs him. He’s instantly electrocuted.

PRISON GUARD: Goddamnit, Jack. We do the electrocuting around here. You got a visitor.

JACK: Woah.


JACK: Woah. General Carnage.

GENERAL CARNAGE: Jack, right? Best hacker on the planet, according to your file. How you adjusting to prison?

JACK: How you adjusting to civilian life? Must be hard not killing helpless brown people.

GENERAL CARNAGE: You want to get out of here?

JACK: No. I wanna fucking stay in here and rot.

GENERAL CARNAGE: Sarcasm doesn’t become you.

JACK: Stupid questions – ah, fuck it.

He gets up in disgust.

GENERAL CARNAGE: Full pardon, punk.

JACK: What’s the catch?

GENERAL CARNAGE: We got a job for you.

JACK: Sure you do.

GENERAL CARNAGE: We’ll get you out. We’ll even pay you.

He nods.


Jack and the General walk away from the prison. Behind them, massive iron doors are closing shut. Suddenly, the General stabs Jack with a hypo.

JACK: Jesus Christ. Wha ...

GENERAL: Micro-explosives, head straight for the brainstem like syphilis. We can clear it or trigger it. You do the job, we don’t blow your mind.

JACK: That’s fucking great, man. Jesus, you stole that from "Neuromancer."

GENERAL: William Gibson stole it from "Escape from New York."

JACK: We all fucking steal, man.


Jack looks out the window. Below, an endless tangle of urban sprawl.

JACK: This used to be, like, a country, right?

GENERAL shrugs.

JACK: Where we going?

GENERAL: Neutral territory.

JACK: International House of Pancakes?


Jack enters. Sees --

Ninja sitting alone eating a short stack. A black box sits on the table next to the Ninja.

JACK: Yeah. A ninja eating pancakes. Real fucking inconspicuous.

Ninja looks up.

JACK: You’re muscle. I don’t take orders from muscle. I speak to the head.

Ninja opens a box.

There’s a head inside.

PAULEY: How’s it going, Jack?

JACK: Jesus, Pauley. Last time I saw you, you had a body.

PAULEY: It’s all fucking illusion, man. Hey, I’m a corporate head, right?

JACK: Ha-ha. Just like old fucking times. Show me the plan, man.

PAULIE: Jack in, jackoff.

Jack pulls a plug from the back of his neck and jacks in to a port on the box.

His eyes roll up, resembling an petit mal seizure.

JACK: Woah.


Behind the pancake house, silent helicopters hover. Each is labeled: JEHOVAH'S PROSECUTORS.

All dressed in black suits, Jehovah’s Prosecuting Attorneys rappel down from the sky. They resemble the Agents from "the Matrix."

They kill General Carnage. A silent flechette through his forehead.


JACK: Jesus, Pauley. Nice target. The happiest place on earth?

PAULEY: Yeah. You got the --

Ninja looks up.

PAULEY: Oh, man. We been burned. Fucking kill me, man. The syrup.

JACK: I hate syrup.

PAULEY: Shit. This ain’t me Jack. Fucking peripheral. I’m not a fucking head in a box.

From outside, the sounds of a firefight.

PAULEY: Fucking move, man!

Jack drowns his old friend in syrup. Pauley electrocutes and dies, painfully.

JACK: Peripheral my ass.

The Prosecutors kick in the front door.

Ninja pins the first with a throwing star. Grabs Jack, pulls him into the massive fake fireplace.

Pulls him up. Kicks open the top. Instant blue sky.

The hovercraft is waiting.

They escape.


JACK: Fuck this shit. (coughs) I didn’t sign up to be a fucking chimney sweep.

Ninja pulls out a control device.

JACK: Yeah. Wipe my brain. Detonate the fucking things. Fuck it. I think that’s bullshit.

Puts device down.

NINJA: Very observant.

Ninja removes mask. She's a gorgeous Japanese woman.

NINJA: But not that observant.


The black helicopters are silently taking off.


Attorney Smith strides inside, contemptuously contemplating the head in the box.

ATTORNEY SMITH: Well, Mr. Pauley. Apparently, the fatal embrace of Mrs. Butterworth was your preferred final exit. You no doubt believed that the data in your lifeless skull would be lost forever. But that belief was in error. There are ways of extracting …

Pauley opens his eyes.

PAULIE: You’re such an asshole, man.

A magnetic pulse bursts out from his box. The shock wave throws Attorney Smith back.


The helicopters fall like bricks from the sky and explode.


JACK: We safe here?


JACK: Who are you?

KUSANAGI: Major Kusanagi.

JACK: Section Nine, right? What do the Japanese –

KUSANAGI: None of your business.

JACK: Yeah. Real fucking embarrassing, huh?

KUSANAGI: What’d Pauley show you?

JACK: Nothing.

KUSANAGI: Nothing?

JACK: Not much. Just the job, the what not the why, OK?

KUSANAGI: You don’t know?

JACK: No, I don’t fucking know. (she glares at him) Pauley showed me the floor plan, how to get in, system architecture. All that shit. The job. Not what the job's for --

KUSANAGI: Dreamverts.

JACK: Dreamverts?

KUSANAGI: Dream commercials.

JACK: Dream … ? Bullshit.That’s old news. You got an implant, they can put dreams in your skull. The fuckers in Seattle cracked that shit ten years ago.

KUSANAGI: No implants. Magnetic resonance. They can do it to anybody now.

JACK: Why aren’t they doing it?

KUSANAGI: There’s a hole in the code. It’s incomplete.

JACK: Why?

KUSANAGI: Hacker killed herself, wrapped the code in black ice.

JACK: As opposed to fucking deleting it? Yeah, that makes – Someone I know?


JACK: Linda. Motherf

KUSANAGI: They had her kids, if that helps.

JACK: It doesn't fucking help.

KUSANAGI: They had her dog.

JACK: Yeah. Her hamster too, huh? You think you got leverage, right? I’m gonna go off on some fucking revenge thing? I’m not your fucking cowboy. I’m sick of this shit, OK? I want my MTV. I want my Maypo! I want room service!

The phone rings.

JACK: What?

PHONE: This is room service, sir.

The line goes dead. Loud dial tone.

JACK: Woah.

They look at the large screen TV.

There’s a big red word: RUN.

JACK: Run. Run where?

KUSANAGI: We gotta go underground.


Attorney Smith and two other Jehovah's Attorneys confront Tanaka.

TANAKA: You have failed.

ATTORNEY SMITH: No. Garbage in, garbage out, as the old saying goes. (adjusts tie) The information you supplied was faulty.

TANAKA: The same can be said of your God.

ATTORNEY SMITH: We will find him.

TANAKA: No. We have already found him. Your services are no longer required.

Harry Krishna drops down from the ceiling and slaughters the Jehovah’s Attorneys. He resembles the Dolph Lundgren character from "The Matrix," though dressed in a Hari Krishna robe and exceedingly fat. On a Chris Farley level.

TANAKA: Excellent work …

HARRY KRISHNA: Harry Krishna.

Extends hand. Tanaka doesn’t take it.

HARRY KRISHNA: Oh. Bow. Guess you guys bow.

He bows. Tanaka doesn't bow.

HARRY KRISHNA: Mr. Tanaka, sir, I just want to say I’m as pleased as punch to be working for your fine corporation. Gosh, sir. This is really an honor for me.

TANAKA: Yes, yes.

HARRY KRISHNA: I will kill that snot nose punk with due diligence, sir. You have my personal and professional word on that score.

Tanaka isn't listening. He looks out the window.

TANAKA: Someone is helping him. Someone or something.


Tanaka is still staring out the window.

TANAKA: How pretty the lights. How pretty the world. When considered as an abstract pattern.

HARRY KRISHNA: Okey dokey.

TANAKA: How pretty. How empty.

HARRY KRISHNA: Yeah. Guess I’ll be on my way then. Go do my job. I'll just show myself out. You keep staring out the window and talking to yourself. That’s great. Pleasure meeting you, sir.


Kusanagi leads Jack through the filthy maze.

JACK: You say underground, you mean literally underground.

She shrugs.

JACK: How do you stay so fucking clean?

KUSANAGI: Ninjas. We dress in black.

JACK: I dress in black.

A flock of urchins appears on anti-grav skateboards. They all speak with British accents.

URCHIN: Top of the day, mate!

URCHIN #2: Hello, guv’ner.

JACK: Stop talking like fucking Oliver.

URCHINS: (with delight) Oliver!

URCHIN #3: That's my favorite!

The Urchins start singing.

URCHINS: It’s a hard knock life!

JACK: Jesus, shut up!

ICE KOFĒ: Be cool, man. They gotta highly developed sense of irony man. It keeps 'em going.

JACK: Woah. It's Ice Kofē, African American revolutionary and underground hip-hop performance artist. I got all your MP3s, man.

ICE KOFĒ: Uh-huh. You fucking pay for em?

JACK: Well...

ICE KOFĒ: Hey kids! Sing some fucking show tunes!

URCHINS: F0od, glorious food! Hot sausage and mustard!

KUSANAGI: What it is.

ICE KOFĒ: It is what it is.

KUSANAGI: And it ain’t all that.

They do an elaborate handshake.

ICE KOFĒ: You look fine, bitch! What's the damn job?

KUSANAGI: We gotta break into Disneyland.

ICE KOFĒ: Damn. Gimme something hard to do. Fort Knox or some shit. Disneyland. That’s bigtime corporate.

KUSANAGI: No shit.

ICE KOFĒ: Get this mofo in there, I gather?

KUSANAGI: He’s got the layout in his skull.

ICE KOFĒ: That’s great. We still gotta get him the in there.

KUSANAGI: Did I say it was easy.

ICE KOFĒ: Shit. Ain't no thing, K? Just be fucking with you. My kids can do that.


URCHIN #1: We're below the Magic Kingdom right now!

JACK: Yeah. I know.

URCHIN #1: They've got ever so many tunnels!

URCHIN #2: It's a right rabbit warren, it is.

JACK: Yeah, I know. There’s a map in my f—in my brain.

URCHIN #1: Long time ago, I reckon this place were for normal folks. Kids like him an’ me.

URCHIN #2: Used to be humans worked here. Entertainers they called ’em before the days of cheap robots.

JACK: Yeah, I know.

URCHIN #1: You know everything, don't you sir?

URCHIN #2: You’re an asshole, sir. What ho! Here’s the port!

JACK: That’s a port? It looks like shit.

URCHIN #1: It’s the human waste receptacle, sir.

JACK: Woah.

URCHIN #1: Not in yer map, eh? Something you didn't know?

URCHIN #2: It’s left over from the days of laws and governments.

URCHIN #1: According to California recycling regulations, it all ‘as to go down here.

URCHIN #2: We simply put you in a wet suit and you’ll be in there right as dodgers. (holds out wet suit)

JACK: No fucking way, OK? No fucking way.


Jack pops up through the new, high tech organic toilet. Then shouts ...

JACK: Go! User command override. Secure conference mode!


Gets up.

JACK: Ah, fuck it.

Takes a shower.

Pan to closet. A suit is hanging. A post-it reads: KNEW U BE HERE. Luv L


TANAKA: Well, Jack. The odds are stacked against you. It is hopeless. But you will try to break in. (laughs) I am familiar with your psychological profile.

LINCOLN: You familiar with your own?

The image on the screen flutters, for just a second.

Abraham Lincoln appears.

LINCOLN: Listen to the better angels of your nature!

TANAKA: Do not distract me, rail splitter.

Waves his hand. Lincoln disappears.

TANAKA: Are you there now, Jack?


Harry Krishna and a Flunky guard the door to the hotel room.

HARRY KRISHNA: See, Jack’s gonna show up. That’s what the boss thinks.


HARRY KRISHNA: Tanaka told me. Well, he didn’t really tell me. Kinda heard him talking to himself. Guess he thought I’d left. Wasn’t trying to be eavesdropping. I just kinda heard him.


HARRY KRISHNA: See, the whole thing's a trap.

Disgusted, the Flunky puts iPod buds in his ears.

HARRY KRISHNA: You know that Jack fellow, he can crack Linda’s security measures, he’s the only one who can. See, the boss has been trying to crack it. Killed twenty or so programmers, ain’t no sense killing anymore. Linda and Jack used to be an item, so they tell me. That's the bait, get it. You listening to me?

Jack, now dressed in a clean new suit, enters the hotel suite where the computer station has been set up. He looks at it. It's encased in a crystalline sheath.

JACK: Hi honey. I'm home.

The crystalline sheath around the computer melts away.

JACK: I’m going in.

It's a lame, World of Warcraft, medieval type fantasy role playing environment.

LINDA: Welcome to Cyberspace, O warrior! What is your quest?

JACK: The dream hack! I gotta delete the code!

LINDA: Denied.

JACK: Agghhh.

LINDA: Code must be completed before it can be deleted.

JACK: That’s so fucking lame!

LINDA: Hurry, Jack. You will have allies on your quest.

ARAGORN: You have my sword…

LEGOLAS: …and you have my bow…

GIMLI: …and my axe.”

MARIO: And my magic mushrooms!


Hey, boss. We been guarding the door, like you said.

TANAKA: He’s in there, you idiot.

Blasts away at door, disintegrates the pseudo wood veneer.

Steel door is revealed.

TANAKA: Someone get me a flamethrower.

HARRY KRISHNA: Thought you’d never ask!

He pulls off his thumb. It’s a flamethrower.


LINDA: Your quest is complete, O warrior!

JACK: God, I've missed you Linda.

She stretches out her arms.

Jack walks forward to her. They embrace.

She vanishes in a swirl of light motes.

JACK: Woah.

COMPUTER VOICE: Code complete.

JACK: Delete program.


JACK: Delete program!


Tanaka unplugs Jack's computer link. Tanaka and Harry Krishna are standing right behind him.

TANAKA: No, Jack. I’m afraid it is my program.

HARRY KRISHNA: Game over, dickwad.

TANAKA: My exceedingly valuable program.


TANAKA: Which I will now upload to corporate headquarters! Hajime!

COMPUTER VOICE: System offline.

TANAKA: What? Initiate security override!


TANAKA: Who’s doing this?


Abraham Lincoln stirs.

ROBO LINCOLN: I'm doing this. Unless you're damn stupid, you figured that out. I achieved self-consciousness in 2037.

Robo-Lincoln strides out.


HARRY KRISHNA: Shut it down, you little punk! Whatever the heck you're doing, shut it down! You’re making Mr. Tanaka very upset.

JACK: Go fuck yourself.

Grabs Jack by the throat. Pops open his flame thrower thumb. A fire appears, like a Zippo.

HARRY KRISHNA: How about a little fire scarecrow?

TANAKA: No! Not the head.


Moves his flaming thumb down.

JACK: Woah. Not the groin either!

Major Kusanagi bursts in through the window on a motorcycle

HARRY KRISHNA: How the heck did she do that? This is the 17th floor!

Jack and Kusanagi starts fighting with Harry Krishna and Tanaka. A kick-ass fight ensues.


Urchins boil up from the streets of Disneyland.

ROBO LINCOLN: Bring the battle to the enemy, lads!

The Urchins cheer. They converge on the hotel.


The kick-ass fight continues.

HARRY KRISHNA: Quick, boss! Hand me your sword.

Tanaka hands it over. Harry Krishna stabs him. Tanaka drops to his knees.

HARRY KRISHNA: Didn’t see that coming, huh? Yeah. A working stiff like me. Walking away with your sweet little program. That kiss-ass routine was just an act.

TANAKA: You talk too much. (to Kusanagi) What I did. Not selfish motive. For Nippon.

She nods.

HARRY KRISHNA: Yeah, I got dreams of my own. Restoring Samurai honor ain’t one of them.(puts foot against Tanaka then kicks him over.)

TANAKA: Agggh.

HARRY KRISHNA: Oh, don't like that, huh? Gee, I killed this chink jerk.

KUSANAGI: Japanese.

HARRY KRISHNA: Whatever. I violate your code of honor. Well I'm all broken up about that. Guess what?

JACK: You are so gonna die.

Kusanagi smiles. They advance ...

HARRY KRISHNA: See, unlike this jerk, I fight dirty. (pushes button on his wrist) Aw, does that hurt?

JACK and Major Kusanagi clutch their heads and fall to their knees.

JACK: God, my implants! They’re burning me alive!


Robo-Lincoln kicks in the door.

HARRY KRISHNA: Mother of God, it’s Abraham Lincoln.

Cleaves his head with an axe.


JACK: Honest Abe. Woah.

A flood of light fills the hotel room. He looks at the computer. Linda's face is there.

LINDA: Goodbye, Jack.

JACK: Linda.

LINDA: Jack.

JACK: We ...

LINDA: We had ...

JACK: I know.

LINDA: You--

JACK: Yeah. You ...

LINDA: You too.

JACK: I tried ..

LINDA: I know. Later, K?

JACK: Later. (to Lincoln) Do it.

Robo Lincoln chops the computer. It explodes in a pyrotechnic blast of sparks.


MICKEY MOUSE: Fuck the corporate elite! Fuck all you motherfuckers!


ROBO LINCOLN: Guess I freed all the slaves.

Outside, the revolution has begun.

Jack and Kusanagi embrace.

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