Saturday, January 11, 2003

King of Capitol Hill

[George W. Bush considered as lovable cartoon redneck, Hank Hill]

Title effect – the usual speeded-up intro with GEORGE W. BUSH and buddies drinking beer in front of White House.


GEORGE W. BUSH and his father, GEORGE BUSH SR., are watching SADDAM HUSSEIN on TV. SADDAM is brandishing a rifle and acting like a dick.

GEORGE BUSH SR: Boy, when are you gonna kick his ass?

GWB: Dad, I got other things to worry about.

BUSH SR: Like what?

GWB: Like Usama bin Whatsisname.

BUSH SR: Ain’t you caught him yet?

GWB: I don’t know, dad. I think so. We blew the hell outta the whole dang country. Some of the boys found some pieces in the cave … but it mighta been a donkey.

BUSH SR: That ain’t good enough!

GWB: The DNA evidence was inconclusive.

BUSH SR: American people ain’t gonna stand for it!

GWB: I can say for certain that maybe we killed him.

BUSH SR: "Maybe" don't cut it! American people wants blood – an eye for an eye! You gotta make an example outta somebody –

GWB: Yeah, that's easy for you to say.

BUSH SR: It is easy! Just pick a bad guy and kill him!

GWB: Dad, the world's full of bad guys. It's like a dang candy store full of evil candy. Which one do I pick?

BUSH SR. Who do you think?

On TV, SADDAM wipes his ass with the American flag.

BUSH SR: You gonna let him get away with that?

GWB: Well … you did.

BUSH SR: What'd you say?

GWB: (sighing) Uh … no. No Dad.

BUSH SR: No “Dad”…?

GWB: No, sir.

BUSH SR: That’s better.

GWB: Guess I better write the speech.

BUSH SR: You? (laughs) No. Karl writes the speech. You say it!

GWB: Yes, sir. (mumbling) You dropped the ball, guess I'll pick it up.

BUSH SR: What'd you say?

GWB: Nothing, sir.



Tight shot of GWB at his desk looking nervous. He can't read the TelePrompter.

GWB: Uh. (squinting) I can't read that. Can't you make it any bigger? You can't. OK. (unintelligable voice O.S.) What do you mean wing it? Oh.

Gets a terrified smile on his face. Stares at the camera.

GWB: This is your President speaking. Hello, American people. Uh. You know, the thing I’ve always admired about the American people is you’re all good people. Well, most of you. And if there’s one thing we all agree on … uh, we’re all in favor of … good. And we all think evil is bad.

Cut to CLINTONS watching on TV.

BILL: Lord have mercy, he's dumber than a sack of rocks.

HILLARY: You mean like this one?

She hits him the face with a sack of rocks.

Back to the President's address --

GWB: Well, what I'm about to say may sound shocking. But there's folks out there who don't agree with America. See, there’s this here “Axis of Evil,” namely Iraq, Iran and North Ko-re-a. The bad guys running those outfits think evil is good. That sorta makes them evil, if you see what I mean. And the most evil bad guy of them all is … (thinking) Sad-dam Hus-sein. If this thing is working right, you'll see his picture right there over my left shoulder. Why Sad-dam Hus-sein? Well, that's a good question, America. (sighs) I guess I'll have to talk about history. I hate it as much as you do, but stick with me.

We already fought one war with this fellow back in -- awhile back. My Daddy kicked Saddam's butt. But, because the American people is or are so all-fired good, we gave the man a second chance. "Saddam," we said. "You can put down your guns and become one of the good guys." By guns I mean nu-cu-lar weapons. He coulda put on a white hat instead of that stupid beret. Instead, Saddam just kicked out the UN inspectors and said to heck with it. I know they're French, but it's the principle of the thing. We gave him a second chance. And he blew it.

Now we know he's got weapons of mass destruction. How do we know, if he kicked the inspectors out? That's a good question, America. Well ...

The way Karl Rove explained it to me, it's like the time Coach caught me smoking. He didn't see the cigarette, but he saw me hiding the cigarette. What kind of idiot tries to hide a cigarette when he ain't got one? An idiot who's trying to look cool, maybe. I sure as heck wasn't cool. Coach knew it. Saddam Hussein is not cool, and he knows it! According to Karl, that means he's smoking. And we caught him.

It's what they call a smoking gun, America. Or a mushroom cloud.

Like my coach once said, "Screw up once, you’re out of the game. Screw up twice, you’re off the team."

As coach of the only remaining superpower, I am forced to blow the whistle.
(He blows a hideously loud whistle)Saddam Hussein … you are hereby suspended as quarterback of Iran for smoking mushrooms!


GWB: Iraq. I meant to say Iraq. America knows what I meant, don't you America? Well, I guess that's it. We're going to war, America. Now you know why. Good night. Heh-heh. And don't let the bedbugs bite.

We go from the TV address to scene inside Oval Office revealing the cameras and film crew. LAURA BUSH applauds. BUSH SR. scowls.

FLOOR DIRECTOR: OK, that’s a wrap.

GWB: "That's a wrap." I feel like a dang TV star. (getting up from desk) How'd I do?

FLOOR DIRECTOR: I got technical stuff to do.

He leaves quickly.

GWB: OK. Guess you better do it, then. What do you think, Laura? Give me your honest opinion. Was I … Presidential?

She bites her lower lip and forces out a lie.

LAURA: George … you reminded me of Sam Houston. Or Tom Landry.

GWB: (touched at the comparison, standing up a little straighter) Tom Landry …

BUSH SR: Hell! Tell the truth, woman! George ain’t no Tom Landry – just ask the Rangers! If I was still President…

LAURA: Sir, may I remind you that you are not the President. Not anymore.

BUSH SR: You gonna let her talk to me that way, son?

GWB: Let her? Laura’s gonna speak her mind, dad. Dish it out, you gotta take it, heh-heh. (Thinking he’s as wise as Solomon with next bit of advice.) But I think it’d be a good idea if we all keep in “mind” who our real enemy is.

BUSH SR: William Jefferson Clinton! (spits on carpet)

GWB: No, Dad. Saddam Hus-sein.

LAURA: (to BUSH SR.) Sir. In this time of crisis you must put aside your petty differences. War demands sacrifices.

BUSH SR: Sacrifices! You wanna talk about …

LAURA: (whispering in BUSH SR.’s ear) Sir, with all due respect, it is necessary to build up his self-image.

BUSH SR: His what?

LAURA: Jiminy Christmas, sir, you know what! Your son is a brave man, and you know it!

BUSH SR: Brave? Yeah, sure he is. He kept the VC outta Texas airspace.

LAURA: According to psychological studies, the fear of public speaking ranks above the fear of death! You should know that more than anybody. This is not the time to tear him down!

GWB: What the heck are you two whispering about?

LAURA: (smiling supportively) How much we love you. Isn't that right? (she elbows BUSH SR.)

BUSH SR: Yeah, I guess.

LAURA: We’re all very proud of you, George.

BUSH SR smiles unconvincingly.


GWB watching TV. SADDAM is posturing – again.

GWB: There he is again with that stupid rifle. That burns me up, I tell you what. (Sighs, then turns to CHENEY – who resembles the chain-smoking, paranoid Dale Gribble of the cartoon show.)

CHENEY is fiddling with a confusion of maps and charts at a big situation-room type table.

GWB: Dang it, Dick. You said all’s we had to do was threaten to go to war and somebody’d put a bullet in his head. The man seems fine to me.

CHENEY: All in good time, George, all in good time. It’s all part of the plan.

GWB: What plan? You’ve never actually shown me this so-called plan.

CHENEY: It’s in the Bible, George. Babylon the Great equals Iraq. Gog and Magog. Damien and Johnny Cash. It has all been foretold…

GWB: So … who’s Saddam supposed to be? Gog or Magog?

CHENEY: I haven’t figured that out yet.

GWB: Dang it, Dick. You off your medication again?

Phone beeps – the blazing-red “hotline.”

GWB: It’s the hotline! (awed) Wow! I have never actually answered the hotline.

Phone still beeps.

GWB: (looking at it, savoring moment) I feel like John F. Kennedy. (picks it up) Hello. This is the President of the United States speaking. May I help you?

KIM JONG-IL: (the dictator of North Korea with irritating voice like Hank Hill’s Laotian neighbor) Hello, hillbilly!

GWB: (irritated) Who is this? (shouting) Dang it, Dick, are you ordering Chinese takeout on the hotline?

KIM JONG-IL: Not takeout, stupid. I Kim Jong-il, North Korea dictator! Your worst nightmare!

GWB: No. That’s the one where I have to take the exam naked …

KIM: Spare me psychobabble crap! You suck, hillbilly boy! You stole election!

GWB: Now that’s just uncalled for.

KIM: Can’t hear you! What dat noise in background? You watch stupid American TV?

GWB: The Fox news channel.

KIM: Hillbilly News Channel! All the time kiss your ass!

GWB: It is fair and balanced. See, it says so right on the logo. They can't say it if it's not true.

KIM: Turn on CNN, Jethro – get a big surprise!

GWB picks up clicker – zaps over to CNN.

Big as life, he sees KIM JONG-IL. Who waves.

KIM: Hello, hillbilly! Whole world watching embarrassing phone conversation! Hear every stupid word you say!

GWB: (shuddering) Oh God.

KIM: Whole planet know! I badass! You all hat, no cattle! (grabbing crotch) I got your weapons of mass destruction right here, hillbilly! What you gonna do about it? You stupid – just like daddy!

GWB: I am not stupid like my daddy – I mean my daddy’s not stupid – I mean neither one of us are stupid!

KIM: Get story straight! You stupid! Say “nucular.” Can’t even say nuclear! You stupid American, can’t even speak own language. I smart Korean, I can say it! Nuclear, nuclear, nuclear! See how smart?

GWB: Calm down.

KIM: I not calm down!

GWB: Perhaps we can discuss this reasonably. In private.

KIM: Not discuss reasonably! I not reasonable, remember? That what you said! I evil! I part of Axis of Evil! Real bad guy! Irrational crazy guy like John McCain!

GWB: Just a second… Kim. That’s a girl’s name.

KIM: Hey!

GWB: (chuckles to himself) I think I hear Laura calling.

KIM: Laura not calling!

GWB: (faking conversation) Yes, Laura. Heh-heh. Just talking to Kim here. No, it ain't my old girlfriend. Kim's a guy's name, too, Laura. Kim's my buddy.

KIM: I not your buddy!

GWB: What? Oh, time to walk Spot, heh-heh? Don’t want to stain the White House carpet. (calling to invisible dog) Here boy, here Spot… (he whistles)

KIM: Dog not there! This bullcrap!

GWB: (dangling car keys in front of phone to sound like dog leash) You ready, Spot? (faking dog bark) Good boy!

KIM: You not hang up on me!

GWB: Sorry, Kim. I have to … walk the dog.

He hangs up.


Looks at TV where KIM JONG-IL is still ranting into phone for all the world to see.


Clicks off the TV.

SPOT walks into the room, expecting a walk, looking confused.

GWB looks at dog.

GWB: You got no idea what's going on, do you?

SPOT wags his tail.

GWB: That makes two of us. Come on, boy.

GWB and SPOT walk out of frame.

Go to black.

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