Sunday, October 5, 2003

Robe Warrior

Open, idyllic scene of ancient holy land. Shepherds, camels, rustic little mud villages and all that crap.

ANNOUNCER: (strong Australian accent) Who was Jesus, then? Gentle Jesus, meek and mild? I don’t think so mate.

VOICE OVER: (another Australian accent) Je-zus Kroist!

Explosion blows village to pieces.

ANNOUNCER: Mel Gibson is …

Krazy Khrist
Robe Warrior

ANNOUNCER: It’s Jesus as you’ve never seen him before.

A man’s man kinda Jesus …

INT, KRAZY CHRIST in bar with crowd of rowdy disciples and followers.

KRAZY CHRIST: I just turned this water … into Fosters!

Crowd cheers, raises pints.

DISCIPLE: I just turned it back into water again.

ANNOUNCER: A well-armed Jesus …

Militia-on-the-Mount scene of thousands of followers holding automatic weapons.

DISCIPLE: But Lord, we have only 5 bullets and 7 magazine clips.

KC: Pass them out among the multitude.

The ammunition miraculously multiplies.

Cheers, gunfire.

ANNOUNCER: An anti-Semitic Jesus.

Go to – ‘Road Warrior’ scene of KRAZY CHRIST and disciples in tricked-out vehicles bristling with weapons being chased down dusty desert road by argumentative but also well-armed RABBIS in similar vehicles.

DISCIPLE: (pointing at vehicle behind them) Jews!

KC: (Mel Gibson as Jesus spraying crowd of Jews with automatic weapons fire) Accept God’s unconditional love and forgiveness, you bastards!

RABBI: (holding up coin) So should we pay the tax or not?

KC: (Still firing madly) Die!!!!

RABBI: You didn’t answer the question …

Vehicle goes off road, explodes.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, it’s a wild ride of Biblicaly accurate drama, excitement, Jew-bashing and death. All leading to …

The Last Supper …

INT, KC and pals in kosher restaurant.

KC: (looking at bill) Wait a minute … I didn’t order this. Dirty sodding Jews! (kicks up from table – starts shooting up the restaurant)

ANNOUNCER: The betrayal in the garden …

KRAZY CHRIST is asleep. JUDAS sneaks up on him and kisses him.

KC: (punching him in the face) No poofters!

ANNOUNCER: The trial …

Crowd of Jews stomping and shaking fists in “Rome Dome.”

JEWS: Two men enter, one man leaves! Two men enter, one man leaves!

ANNOUNCER: … crucifixion …

EXT, night. Cross in silhouette. Sound of nailing.

ROMAN: Sorry!

KC: You call yourself a bloody carpenter?

ROMAN: I said I was sorry.

ANNOUNCER: … and resurrection.

EXT, tomb. Morning.

GUARD: Hey. Ever notice all us Romans speak with British accents?

GUARD #2: No. Never thought of it before. I suppose you’re right.

GUARD: Why do you suppose that is?

GUARD #2: Dunno. Got something to do with the British Empire, I reckon.

GUARD: Right. Those Brits are right bastards – Ireland, India, Australia, you name it. Almost as bad as us.

GUARD #2: You mean like in the future.

GUARD: Well that goes without … what the hell was that?

A huge explosion blasts the rock out of the tomb. Mel as KRAZY CHRIST roars out in some deathmobile, machine guns in both hands, steering with his knees. Blows GUARDS to pieces, roars off.

KC: I’m back you bloody Jews!

ANNOUNCER: (very quickly) Filmed entirely on location in Aramaic, Latin and Greek then translated into Australian and back into Aramaic, Latin and Greek without subtitles according to the revelation of St. Anonymous, a charming lady with multiple personality disorder who saw a revelation of the Virgin Mary in a third-generation VHS copy of “The Thorn Birds” and wrote it all down on a napkin and lost it, thus founding the Holy and Apostolic Even More Catholic Than You Jew-Loving Vatican II Bastards Catholic Church in 1962. All rights reserved.

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