Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Batman vs. Auntie Christ

BATMAN and ROBIN driving down the Gotham City streets -- the campy TV version of the Dynamic Duo. ROBIN reacts.

ROBIN: (pointing) Holy shroud, Batman ... it's Jesus Christ!

BATMAN: Don't curse, old chum. It shows a lack of command of the English language. There are plenty of words in the ...

ROBIN: No, Batman. There on the street corner. It's Jesus Christ!

BATMAN: (looking) Yes, of course! Don't break out the loaves and fishes yet, old chum. That's Auntie Christ ... the arch queen of crime disguised as Jesus Christ to lure the world into Armageddon.

ROBIN: The fiend!

AUNTIE CHRIST: (hawking wares, making noises like Penguin) Wah! Wah! Whore of Babylon scented candles, 50% off! Four horsemen for the price of three!

WHORE OF BABYLON: (Catwoman delivery to passerby) Isn't it just perrrrfect? (pedestrian ignores her) Aw don't look so sad, sweetie. It's not the end of the world.

BATMAN: My sentiments exactly. And I'll tell you another thing, missy. Armageddon pretty tired of ...

ROBIN: God, our dialog sucks.

BATMAN: Yes. I'm afraid it's something even Stanislavsky never prepares you for.

ROBIN: Why Batman? Why?

BATMAN: Because we're second-raters old chum. As the old saying goes, 'The people get the government they deserve.'

AUNTIE CHRIST: Wah! "Mark of the Beast" iron-on tatoos!

BATMAN: It's also true that actors get the scripts they deserve.

ROBIN: Holy plot point, Batman. I get it! The scripts suck ...because we suck!

BATMAN: Exactly. In fact the writer's so lame, he can't even think of an ending for a simple three minute sketch.

ROBIN: Ayn Rand could think of better dialog.

BATMAN: I wouldn't go that far ...

Cut to: THE JOKER in court giving the evil clown version of the "Howard Roark Speech"

JOKER: Thousands of years ago, the first evil clown put hydrochloric acid in the first seltzer bottle. He was probably burned to death in the hydrochloric acid spritzer he had ...

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