A Clockwork Musical

EXT, ALLEY - NIGHT
West Side Story dancers doing high kicks, etc.

ANNOUNCER: (OS) Once every generation, a musical comes along that touches hearts and teaches us to laugh and love. This isn't one of them.

ALEX: Let's get 'em, boys!

ALEX and his DROOGS kick the crap out of the West Side Story dancers.

ANNOUNCER: This Broadway season, don't miss A Clockwork Orange--Turn off the Milk! Directed by Baz Luhrmann with screenplay by Koko the Chimp.

INT, OFFICE
Koko signs (subtitles) Koko no like Burgess ending! Koko like Kubrick ending!

DAVID MILCH: (writing it down) Slow down ya fucking chimp bastard.

ANNOUNCER: You've heard the songs! Alex's song!

ALEX:
Life is just a bowl of cereal ...
Just add milk!

ANNOUNCER: Ricky Gervais as the derelict Irish bum ...

EXT, ALLEY - NIGHT

Ricky Gervais sings ...

(to the tune of Molly Malone)
In London's Fair City
Where the girls have nice titties
I first got my arse kicked
By Alex's droogs
They battered and throttled
And shattered me bottle
Speaking strictly for me
I think that's quite rude.

ANNOUNCER: The unforgettable Dim's Song by some actor with no neck.

DIM:
My name is Dim.
They call me Dim.
Because I'm ... dim.
But I have needs!
I have dreams!
Like Billy Elliot ...
There's another Dim ...
Inside!
And I must dance!

Dim attempts to dance and falls on his head.

EXT, BROADWAY
BORED WOMAN: If you see any musical about a psychotic in a bowler hat, this is the musical to see. Did I say it right?

ANNOUNCER: Not nominated for seven Tony Awards. Not playing in 26 countries worldwide.
Not to be missed. A Clockwork Orange: Turn off the Milk! is at Ticketmaster.com.

The Alien in the Room

Or: !@#$the elephant in the room! What about the !@#$ing alien?

INT, OVAL OFFICE -DAY

Sometime in the Fab 50s. President Eisenhower -- AKA "IKE" -- is contemplating a scale model of Sputnik in his right hand, and a model of the Viking Rocket in his left. Suddenly, ET appears from behind his desk.

ET: ET like Ike!

IKE: Jesus Christ! What the hell are you?

ET: (holding out glowing finger) Ike friend?

IKE: “Friend” my ass! (kicks ET’s ass)

ET: Ouch!

IKE: (shouting) Dick! Getcher Tricky Dick ass in here!

NIXON: (OS) I’m eating my !@# breakfast.

IKE bursts into the next room, sees Nixon. ET is clutching onto IKE's leg. IKE is disgusted at the sight of NIXON's breakfast. As is ET.

IKE: Scrambled eggs? With ketchup on top?

ET: ET puke!

ET projectile vomits.

NIXON: What the hell is that?

IKE: I dunno. Some kinda alien or something. Bury him in a pumpkin patch or something.

NIXON: Sure. I’ll do your dirty work. (grabbing ET) Come here, you. We’re taking a ride to Area #51.

EXT, AMERICAN DESERT - DAY

Nixon rides along in a black DeSoto through desert with ET thumping in the trunk. Finally, pissed, he opens the trunk. Tarrantino POV of Nixon looking down at ET.

NIXON: What?

ET: Whittaker Chambers commie!

NIXON: No kidding.

ET: Hoover wear high heels!

NIXON: You … how do you know this stuff?

ET: Watch from skies. Know dirt. Much dirt. (extends finger) Friend?

NIXON: (extending his own finger) Friend, you little shit.