The Alien in the Room

Or: !@#$the elephant in the room! What about the !@#$ing alien?

INT, OVAL OFFICE -DAY

Sometime in the Fab 50s. President Eisenhower -- AKA "IKE" -- is contemplating a scale model of Sputnik in his right hand, and a model of the Viking Rocket in his left. Suddenly, ET appears from behind his desk.

ET: ET like Ike!

IKE: Jesus Christ! What the hell are you?

ET: (holding out glowing finger) Ike friend?

IKE: “Friend” my ass! (kicks ET’s ass)

ET: Ouch!

IKE: (shouting) Dick! Getcher Tricky Dick ass in here!

NIXON: (OS) I’m eating my !@# breakfast.

IKE bursts into the next room, sees Nixon. ET is clutching onto IKE's leg. IKE is disgusted at the sight of NIXON's breakfast. As is ET.

IKE: Scrambled eggs? With ketchup on top?

ET: ET puke!

ET projectile vomits.

NIXON: What the hell is that?

IKE: I dunno. Some kinda alien or something. Bury him in a pumpkin patch or something.

NIXON: Sure. I’ll do your dirty work. (grabbing ET) Come here, you. We’re taking a ride to Area #51.

EXT, AMERICAN DESERT - DAY

Nixon rides along in a black DeSoto through desert with ET thumping in the trunk. Finally, pissed, he opens the trunk. Tarrantino POV of Nixon looking down at ET.

NIXON: What?

ET: Whittaker Chambers commie!

NIXON: No kidding.

ET: Hoover wear high heels!

NIXON: You … how do you know this stuff?

ET: Watch from skies. Know dirt. Much dirt. (extends finger) Friend?

NIXON: (extending his own finger) Friend, you little shit.