Friday, November 15, 2013

Dalai Lama. Dalai Asshole.


The Dalai Lama and his entourage enter on a mission of peace. Photographers surround them. He approaches the front desk. The clerk is on the phone.

CLERK: No, no ... hurricane season has been really ...

DALAI LAMA: (snapping fingers) Hey! Do you know who I am? 

CLERK: Sir ... If you'll just ...

DALAI LAMA: I want this man fired! I'm the freaking Dalai Lama, OK? I don't have to put up with this crap!

CLERK: Sir ...

DALAI LAMA: "Sir" my ass! You wanna make trouble, asshole?

He sweeps the front desk's floral arrangements and bland ceramic vases onto the marble floor. 

DALAI LAMA: 'Cause I'm here to make trouble! I'm here to ruin your !@@#$ life! You will never work again, dick! Not in this life! Or any other life! I'm the !#$ Dalai Lama, dig? You just pissed off the wrong person!!

The Hotel Manager walks into the scene.


DALAI LAMA: "Sir," again?

HOTEL MANAGER: Is there a problem?

DALAI LAMA: Is there a problem?

He punches the Hotel Manager in the face.

DALAI LAMA: Yeah, there's a problem! You better believe there's a !@#$ problem! I'm his Holiness the Dalai Lama, asshole! Not "sir." You don't !#$% address me as "sir" ... got it?

HOTEL MANAGER: Y-yes your holiness.

DALAI LAMA: That's better. You --

Somebody takes a photograph.

DALAI LAMA: You !@#$# kidding me?

He smashes the camera to the ground and kicks it. The Photographer runs.

DALAI LAMA: Yeah, run! Run you !@#$ ...

The Hotel Manager edges away.

DALAI LAMA: Hey! Where the !#$ are you going? I'm not done with you!


DALAI LAMA: Not as sorry as I am.

Slaps him in the face.

DALAI LAMA: Listen, you !@#$ non-entity. You wanna keep your job? You wanna keep your !@#$ job?

HOTEL MANAGER: Y-yes your holiness.

DALAI LAMA: Great. Here's how you keep your !@#%$ job, OK? I want the finest "Escort" and a bottle of Cristal in the penthouse suite. You got five minutes. Got me?

HOTEL MANAGER: Yes your holiness.

DALAI LAMA: That's better.

He smiles beatifically.

DALAI LAMA: (through clenched teeth) Now you can take pictures, you !@#$ idiots. Take the !@# pictures.

The cameras start snapping. 

CRAVEN DISCLAIMER:  This is a joke. I dig the Dalai Lama. I think he's a cool guy. He's not like this. Seriously. That's the joke, heh-heh. Just wanted to make that clear. I don't wanna come back as a stink beetle or something. Thanks.

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