Saturday, November 30, 2013

A George Orwell Christmas


A totalitarian Christmas scene. A concrete, public square, as friendly as a rat warren. Dirty snow. Christmas shoppers, bent with burdens of consumption. Santa glares down from a huge poster above them. The caption reads: SANTA IS WATCHING YOU.

SANTA'S HELPERS float above the crowd in anti-grav platforms, machine guns at the ready.

Down on the street, a line of posters on the wall repeat a bespectacled MAN's face.

We see that MAN in the crowd.

The MAN is trudging his way along, trying to look inconspicuous.

A sad-eyed, beaten-down WOMAN passes him, walking in the other direction, clutching a burden of packages.


The SANTA'S HELPER looks down at the scene. Simultaneously, his computer scanner shows a graphic of the crowd. It clicks on one face. PAT-REC MATCH. CITIZEN 427456.DOUBLEPLUSUNJOLLY!


Warning claxons. Spotlights flood down on the man. A loudspeaker booms.

SANTA'S HELPER: (on loudspeaker) Citizen 427456! Citizen 427456! Cease moving! You are on Santa’s Naughty List for crimes against the spirit of Christmas! Drop all packages now! Kneel and interlock your hands behind your head. Now!

MAN: Aw, crap. OK…

He obeys. Hovering SANTA'S HELPERS descend on their anti-grav platforms, converging on the man in a whirring circle. He puts his hands behind his head, resigned to his fate.

Time slows.

The SAD-EYED WOMAN suddenly drops her packages and whips out an AK-47. She blasts the SANTA'S HELPERS. One falls from the sky like a rock. The other's anti-grav platform stars spinning insanely, then crashes into the Ministry of Cheer and explodes. 

SAD-EYED WOMAN: (reaching out her hand to the man) Come with me if you want to live.

She grabs him by the hand and pulls him into an alley.

Pandemonium erupts. Alarms, gunfire, loudspeakers proclaiming, “ALL SANTA'S HELPER'S CONVERGE! ALL SANTA'S HELPERS CONVERGE! VIOLATIONS OF CHRISTMAS

The MAN and WOMAN run through the concrete maze of streets, pull up a manhole cover, descend.

The noises above become muffled.

The WOMAN leads the MAN into a secret underground chamber filled with shadowy figures we don’t identify at first.

MAN: OK, OK. What the hell is going on?

WOMAN: It’s Christmas, OK? It shouldn’t be like this.

MAN: No shit.

ELF and ELF #2 emerge from the shadows.

MAN: Who are you people?

ELF: We're the revolution! You too, right?

WOMAN: (raising rifle) Right.

MAN: (wiping spectacles) I dunno. I just hate shopping. Just to be clear, revolution against ...

ELF: Santa, OK?

ELF #2: Who do ya think, dumbass?

ELF: He’s changed, I tell you. He used to be jolly ..

ELF #2: But now he's a real asshole.

ELF: Yeah, but we're gonna save Christmas! We got help, see? Y-you'll help us save Christmas ... and these guys too, right?

The GRINCH and SCROOGE emerge from the darkness. SCROOGE is holding a very, very large cane, O my brothers. He smiles with a smile worthy of Alex ...

SCROOGE: No. I don't think so. 

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