Friday, January 17, 2014

The Tilikum Trial

An angry mob protests. Signs proclaim: FRY THE WHALE! A folk singer starts singing, "Live and let live, let nature be your teacher ..." The mob beats him senseless with their signs. 
A MOB LAWYER passes by this ugly scene, adjusting his tie, a smirk on his face.


MOB LAWYER: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My client stands accused of a heinous crime. And heinous so it is. Tilikum grieves for the loss of the Mouse and Monster families, this I can assure you. But we should not let our legitimate grief propel us to a rush to judgment. The facts of the case are this...
Due to the subsequent, unfortunate and purely coincidental fire, no physical evidence remains of the crime scene. There were no surviving witnesses to this crime. No photographic or video records of any kind. Yet. Yet my client is on trial. Why? Purely on the basis of hearsay and presumption of motive. What motive? Why, the motive to kill, of course. He is, after all, a killer whale.
My client has endured this slur all his life. Ladies and gentlemen, he is not a killer. He is an Orca. An upstanding Cetacean-American. Tilikum donates generously to Our Sisters of Mercy and helps out in soup kitchens and stuff like that. Hey, just look at him! Is that the face of a killer? Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

JUDGE bangs gavel.

JUDGE: The jury will now consider, yatta-yatta-yatta.

MOB LAWYER looks at TILIKUM. Shrugs.

TILIKUM closes his eyes. Go to black. Then we hear --

JUDGE: The defendant will rise.
MOB LAWYER: Jesus, that was quick. 
JUDGE: The ...
MOB LAWYER: Stand up, asshole.

TILIKUM stands.

JUDGE: The jury finds the defendant. Not guilty.

Sound: applause. 

TILIKUM blinks, moved. Then looks at the jury.

We see, for the first time, that the jury is comprised entirely of penguins, seals and dolphins.

TILIKUM eats the jury.

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