The Procrastinator

EXT. LA SCHOOLYARD -- NIGHT

Crackling electrical display. The Procrastinator appears.

Approaches a group of punks.

PROCRASTINATOR: Give me your clothes.

PUNK: No. Come back later.

PROCRASTINATOR: All right.

He walks away. Goes to a phone kiosk, flips through phone book.

Turns to listings for SARAH CONNOR.

His Procrastinator Vision reveals dozens of Sarah Connors.

PROCRASTINATOR: Screw it. I'll just do the first one.

He drops phone book, walks away.

INT. LA DINER - NIGHT

Reese is sitting at a booth in front of an empty plate. Sarah Connor, in waitress uniform, walks up.

SARAH: Do you want to look at our dessert menu --

REESE: (grabs her) Listen to me!

SARAH: Hey, skip dessert! I don't care!

REESE: Pay attention! I come from the future.

SARAH: Great Scott!

REESE: Yeah, and a killer robot just came from the future, too. He's out to kill you, Sarah. He's called the Procrastinator. He -- actually, you know I would like an eclair or something. The food's pretty shitty in the future.

Sarah and Reese sitting at booth. He finishes eclair.

REESE: Anyway, the machines used up all the good robots killing the TV show on Fox, so they sent the Procrastinator ...

SARAH: After me?

REESE: Well, somebody with your name. And you're the first name in the phone book! He's lazy. That's just the way -- focus! That Procrastinator is out there. It can't be reasoned or bargained with. It absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead. Or if it gets bored or distracted by something, which usually happens in the first five minutes.

Door bursts open.

Reese ducks. But it's just --

A garage-station attendant named Clyde and two police officers.

CLYDE: (pointing at Reese) He stole my jumpsuit!

REESE: What are you talking about? (looks down) Ah shit, there's a name tag. First rule of time travel. Never steal clothes with a name tag.

POLICE OFFICER: You'll need to come with me, pal. You too, lady.

SARAH: Do you want to look at our dessert menu?

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT FOYER - NIGHT  
Procrastinator walks in. Goes up to Sergeant at front desk who's eating a pie from Sarah's restaurant.

PROCRASTINATOR: I'm a friend of Sarah Connor. Can I see her, please?

SERGEANT: Not now. She's making a statement. You wanna wait?  

PROCRASTINATOR: I'll be back.

He turns and walks out.

The DESK SERGEANT returns to his pie.

Nothing happens.

With love, the Muse

The Muse appeared to him.

In bed, OK? Next to him. In bed.

He'd been praying for this. Not expecting it. But praying for it.

Praying for her.

And here she was. 

The Muse was beautiful. In every saintly, stained-glass window sacred form you could possibly imagine. And in every wrong, 14-year-old depraved adolescent manifestation as well.

He wasn't a 14-year-old any more. Though he was responding like one. 

But he clamped it down. Asked the question he'd been wanting to ask.

"What's the secret of writing?"

"There's no secret."

Giggle.

You gotta be kidding me.

He didn't say that out loud. Just looked at her. With big, wide, desperate eyes.

The Muse threw him a bone.

"OK, OK," she said. "Look. It's no secret. Seriously. It's what everyone knows, OK? Everybody knows it. They pretend they don't. But they do."

Aggggh. Stop messing with me lady.

"It's simple," she said.

"It's simple?"

"Yeah. Just be honest."

"Honest?"

"Yeah. Just be honest. Honest! It's just that simple."

Then the Muse fell on her back and started kicking her legs in the air. Laughing her head off. Loud, unladylike horse laughs. Just be honest. That's the secret. Yeah.

Thanks, lady.

The Rural Purge

The "rural purge" of American television networks (in particular CBS) was a series of cancellations between 1969 and 1972 of still popular rural-themed shows with demographically skewed audiences.
--Wikipedia

EXT, ROAD, BEVERLY HILLS - DAY
Ellie Mae and Uncle Jed in the jalopy. Jed's driving. (Through scene, jalopy slowly accelerates.)

ELLIE MAE: How come Jethro ain't coming, Uncle Jed?

UNCLE JED: Another one of them auditions, I reckon.

ELLIE MAE: Slow down, Uncle Jed. Yer going awful fast.

UNCLE JED: That'd appear to be the problem, Ellie Mae.

ELLIE MAE: Who's Jethro playing?

UNCLE JED: Some fella named Moe Greene, I reckon.

INT, HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY
Jethro emerges, wearing sunglasses.

JETHRO: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Director! What here's my motivation and all?

VOICE: (OS) Taking a bullet through the eye.

EXT, HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY

SOUND: Bang! (OS)

JETHRO: (OS) How'd I do?

SOUND: Thud! (OS)


EXT, ROAD, BEVERLY HILLS - DAY
The jalopy is tearing down the road, insanely fast.

ELLIE MAE: Put on the brakes, Uncle Jed!

UNCLE JED: I reckon there ain't no brakes, Ellie Mae.

ELLIE MAE: I reckon that ain't good.

UNCLE JED: I 'spect you're right, Ellie Mae. I 'spect you're right. Best commence to screaming.

They both start screaming. Simultaneously.

The jalopy crashes through a railing and into a ravine.

EXT, CLAMPETT SWIMMING POOL - DAY

GRANNY is cooking her "medicine" at the still.

GRANNY: Goldurn it. What's takin' em so long?

She hears Ellie Mae and Uncle Jed hollering (OS). Screams get louder and louder. Granny looks right. Left. Finally looks up. A shadow crosses her face.

GRANNY: Aw, heck.

Massive explosion.

INT, JAIL, MAYBERRY - DAY
Sheriff Andy Taylor is working at his desk.

DEPUTY BARNEY: (OS) Hey Andy, we got us a new prisoner.

SHERIFF ANDY: Well, bring him in, Barney. Don't keep our guest waiting.

Andy looks up and sees --

Barney walking in with the killer from "No Country for Old Men."

EXT, PETTICOAT JUNCTION - DAY
View of water tower by the railroad tracks. Three cute young women popping up at the top.

SINGER: (OS) Lots of curves, you bet. Even more when you get to the junction.

They duck back down.

SINGER: (OS) Petticoat Junction!

BETTY JO: (OS) Agggh! That's hydrochloric acid in there!

The water tower suddenly dissolves into pieces and crashes down. Right into the path of the oncoming --

Cannonball Express Train.

Which derails and thunders into --

THE SHADY REST HOTEL

Which shatters to flaming tinder, rolls down the hill and keeps going like some incendiary snowball from hell until it reaches the Main Street of --

HOOTERVILLE

Creating untold destruction and still --

Keeps going, in a massive avalanche of debris until it reaches the Main Street of --

GREEN ACRES

INT -- DOUGLAS HOME - DAY
Mr. Douglas wakes up in bed. Alone. Reacts to --

SOUND: (OS) Explosions. A series of shocks and aftershocks, fading like distant thunder.

OLIVER: What one earth was all that noise? Lisa! Lisa!

Gets out of bed. Looks out window.

Sees a distant curtain of flame. Debris is still raining down from the sky, clattering against the window glass.

OLIVER: My goodness. I'd better call the fire department!

Oliver runs through the house to reach the phone perched atop the telephone pole outside -- then does a double-take in the kitchen.

To Oliver's profound surprise, there's a brand new phone on the wall. Steel.

OLIVER: Well, I'll be. Alf and Ralph. They finally did it!

He picks up the phone.

EXT - DOUGLAS HOME - DAY
A violent electrical display crackles inside the house. It catches on fire.

EXT, LAKE TAHOE - TWILIGHT
Benji the dog is sitting in a boat holding a fishing rod in his mouth. A shadowy figure sits behind him.

EXT, SILVERMAN MANSION - TWILIGHT
Fred Silverman watches from the window.

Hears a GUNSHOT (OS)

Closes the curtains. 

"Godfather" theme fades in.

Even robots get the blues

INT, FUTURISTIC SHOPPING MALL 

Sometime in the future. Hence, uh, futuristic. Anyway. 

A robot strides into the shopping mall. Carrying the kind of wicked-looking machine gun you’d expect to see on a helicopter gunship. A woman sees the robot and screams …

WOMAN: That robot! He’s got a gun!

People panic and run hollering in all directions. Away from the robot, that is.

ROBOT: Eh. Do not fear. According to the First Law of Robotics, “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a …”

Robot doesn’t get to finish the sentence. Mall security guards blow him into metallic chunks.

ROBOT’S HEAD: Eh. This always. Happens. Damn. You. James. Cameron.

Its eyes glow red and fade out.