The Rural Purge

The "rural purge" of American television networks (in particular CBS) was a series of cancellations between 1969 and 1972 of still popular rural-themed shows with demographically skewed audiences.
--Wikipedia

EXT, ROAD, BEVERLY HILLS - DAY
Ellie Mae and Uncle Jed in the jalopy. Jed's driving. (Through scene, jalopy slowly accelerates.)

ELLIE MAE: How come Jethro ain't coming, Uncle Jed?

UNCLE JED: Another one of them auditions, I reckon.

ELLIE MAE: Slow down, Uncle Jed. Yer going awful fast.

UNCLE JED: That'd appear to be the problem, Ellie Mae.

ELLIE MAE: Who's Jethro playing?

UNCLE JED: Some fella named Moe Greene, I reckon.

INT, HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY
Jethro emerges, wearing sunglasses.

JETHRO: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Director! What here's my motivation and all?

VOICE: (OS) Taking a bullet through the eye.

EXT, HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY

SOUND: Bang! (OS)

JETHRO: (OS) How'd I do?

SOUND: Thud! (OS)


EXT, ROAD, BEVERLY HILLS - DAY
The jalopy is tearing down the road, insanely fast.

ELLIE MAE: Put on the brakes, Uncle Jed!

UNCLE JED: I reckon there ain't no brakes, Ellie Mae.

ELLIE MAE: I reckon that ain't good.

UNCLE JED: I 'spect you're right, Ellie Mae. I 'spect you're right. Best commence to screaming.

They both start screaming. Simultaneously.

The jalopy crashes through a railing and into a ravine.

EXT, CLAMPETT SWIMMING POOL - DAY

GRANNY is cooking her "medicine" at the still.

GRANNY: Goldurn it. What's takin' em so long?

She hears Ellie Mae and Uncle Jed hollering (OS). Screams get louder and louder. Granny looks right. Left. Finally looks up. A shadow crosses her face.

GRANNY: Aw, heck.

Massive explosion.

INT, JAIL, MAYBERRY - DAY
Sheriff Andy Taylor is working at his desk.

DEPUTY BARNEY: (OS) Hey Andy, we got us a new prisoner.

SHERIFF ANDY: Well, bring him in, Barney. Don't keep our guest waiting.

Andy looks up and sees --

Barney walking in with the killer from "No Country for Old Men."

EXT, PETTICOAT JUNCTION - DAY
View of water tower by the railroad tracks. Three cute young women popping up at the top.

SINGER: (OS) Lots of curves, you bet. Even more when you get to the junction.

They duck back down.

SINGER: (OS) Petticoat Junction!

BETTY JO: (OS) Agggh! That's hydrochloric acid in there!

The water tower suddenly dissolves into pieces and crashes down. Right into the path of the oncoming --

Cannonball Express Train.

Which derails and thunders into --

THE SHADY REST HOTEL

Which shatters to flaming tinder, rolls down the hill and keeps going like some incendiary snowball from hell until it reaches the Main Street of --

HOOTERVILLE

Creating untold destruction and still --

Keeps going, in a massive avalanche of debris until it reaches the Main Street of --

GREEN ACRES

INT -- DOUGLAS HOME - DAY
Mr. Douglas wakes up in bed. Alone. Reacts to --

SOUND: (OS) Explosions. A series of shocks and aftershocks, fading like distant thunder.

OLIVER: What one earth was all that noise? Lisa! Lisa!

Gets out of bed. Looks out window.

Sees a distant curtain of flame. Debris is still raining down from the sky, clattering against the window glass.

OLIVER: My goodness. I'd better call the fire department!

Oliver runs through the house to reach the phone perched atop the telephone pole outside -- then does a double-take in the kitchen.

To Oliver's profound surprise, there's a brand new phone on the wall. Steel.

OLIVER: Well, I'll be. Alf and Ralph. They finally did it!

He picks up the phone.

EXT - DOUGLAS HOME - DAY
A violent electrical display crackles inside the house. It catches on fire.

EXT, LAKE TAHOE - TWILIGHT
Benji the dog is sitting in a boat holding a fishing rod in his mouth. A shadowy figure sits behind him.

EXT, SILVERMAN MANSION - TWILIGHT
Fred Silverman watches from the window.

Hears a GUNSHOT (OS)

Closes the curtains. 

"Godfather" theme fades in.