The Republican Primary Considered as an Oval Track Horse Race

Announcer: And they’re off! Billionaire Butthole is leaping out of the gate – he’s way out in front, that forelock’s just flying in the breeze! But Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender is coming up fast, woah, he’s pouring it on! Cubano Chameleon’s still at number three, followed by Nowhere Man and that sweet filly, Mrs. Fireball Harddrive Crash, with I Am John Galt and former favorite Daddy’s Other Boy! barely stumbling past the first turn. Billionaire Butthole’s still way out in front, still ahead by two lengths. Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender is coming up on the inside, now he’s down by a length, just one length to go, and it looks like he’s closing. Cubano Chameleon’s still four lengths back at number three, Mrs. Fireball Harddrive Crash snorting jets of toner from her nostrils one length – oh! Looks like Charles Koch is working that whip on Cubano Chameleon’s backside, really working it! Cubano Chameleon’s changing position, look at the maneuverability that’s a dancer’s grace if --  oh! Ladies and gentlemen, Fred Koch is whipping the daylights out of Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender – two jockeys in a brother-brother spat of Shakespearean proportions -- and Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender’s closing, just half a length, a quarter – now they’re coming up head and head! Billionaire Butthole on the inside, hoofs pounding with hellish fury, this looks personal to me, folks.

And Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender is fighting for position, but Billionaire Butthole is pulling ahead, just plain outrunning him. He’s coming up to me, ahead one length – two lengths in the lead. And Billionaire Butthole thunders by, still ahead by two lengths, followed by Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender with Cubano Chameleon right on his heels – I’ve never seen such poetry in motion, folks. What – Oh! Back on the paddock it looks like I Am John Galt just dropped out – and Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender's still trailing Billionaire Butthole around the turn! Billionaire Butthole on the lead by two lengths, Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender stuck at second and Cubano Chameleon right behind and moving up – oh! Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender cutting him off, getting a taste of the lash from brother Fred – but he’s still behind Billionaire Butthole. Now they’re going into the backstretch. Billionaire Butthole by a length and a half. Now Billionaire Butthole by two lengths, Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender second. Billionaire Butthole by two lengths – they’re going up with 3/4 of a mile left to go – and the crowd is roaring! Just feel that excitement – to hell with those creeps who say it’s all fixed. Now it’s Billionaire Butthole by a length and a half, down the backstretch. They’re halfway down that backstretch and there goes Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender with front row seats on Billionaire Butthole’s, uh, posterior. And he pulls around! Oh … he’s coming up fast!

Now the horse race is on! And I’m losing them… they’re head and head, but I’ll catch them in about 50 yards. Wow! They’re neck and neck and now Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender has a head advantage and Billionaire Butthole’s got a head advantage. They’re going into that far turn, neck and neck, and it is either one – take your choice… as they head for that home lane. Is this a horse race or what?

Listen to that thunder! They’re neck and neck and both jockeys driving. It’s the best horse from here on in. They’ve 200 yards left to go. It’s horse against horse! Both of them driving! Billionaire Butthole leads by a length. Now Billionaire Butthole by a length and a half, Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender trailing with a look of determination in his glassy, doll-like eyes. The whip doesn’t work anymore, Fred’s put it away. Billionaire Butthole by a length; Billionaire Butthole by length, this could go either way  – I think we’re talking photo finish folks. And it’s …


Key Below Jump:

Billionaire Butthole = Donald Trump
Mrs. Fireball Harddrive Crash = Carly Fiorina
Creepy Evangelist Sex Offender =
Daddy's Other Boy = Jeb Bush