Cthulu Man

(to the tune of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man”)

Eldritch Cthulu sleeps under the sea
‘Neath the slime-crusted spires of R’lyeh.
And buddy, you’d best hope he stays tucked in bed
‘Cause when he wakes up then everyone’s dead.

Sing from the vile “Necronomicon”
As the words slowly drive you insane.
There are thoughts that the human mind just shouldn’t think.
And now they’ve infected your brain!

Some folks call this dark god “Unspeakable.”
Saying nothing is greatly preferred.
You-know-who wants complete anonymity
But his real name is really Hast—arrrrghhhh.

(chorus)

Abdul Alhazred’s royalties are wretchedly small.
(Check him out on Amazon Prime.)
He sold six whole copies of his big ugly book.
And the publisher blocks all his calls.

(chorus)

For landowners stuck in Antarctica
It’s really a good time to sell.
It’s snowy and cold; the whole continent blows;
And it’s also the gateway to Hell.

(chorus)

The bartender’s face looks like Innsmouth,
Or perhaps it’s the scales and no chin.
He dreams of the Deep that awaits him
While mixing a tonic and gin.

(chorus)

Dunwitch is really a swell little town
With quaint B&Bs and craft beer.
Please sample our tasty artisanal cheese
And ignore all the screaming you hear.

(chorus)

The Old Ones ruled so long, long ago.
When man was nowhere to be seen.
They’re coming again, so keep drinking my friend.
More beer will blot out the bad dream!

(chorus)