Wizard, Shmizard, Tin Man, Shminman

INT, WIZARD OF OZ THRONE ROOM
The Wizard has now revealed himself. Dorothy and friends surround him. The Wizard holds a sack full of junk and addresses the Tin Man. 

Wizard: Well, my galvanized friend. In consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure in presenting you with a small token of our . . .

Reaches into bag and pulls out heart-shaped watch. Tin Man takes it.

Tin Man: Seriously? What the hell is that?
Oz: A heart.
Tin Man: Thanks.

Throws watch across room. It shatters.

Tin Man: I don’t need a f***ing heart.
Scarecrow: Actually, I think it was a watch.
Tin Man: I don’t need a f***ing watch.
Lion: Well what do you need?

Music up. Wizard rolls his eyes.

Scarecrow: Yes. Explain it to us in a song!
Wizard: Yes, please. You already did in the second act. But please, explain it again.
Tin Man: Happy to oblige.

He starts singing …

Tin Man: A tinsmith built my body
But his work was kind of shoddy
He left out a vital part
He thought that sex was naughty
So I can’t attract a hottie
Because I lack a schlong.

If I had the right equipment
I’d deliver on the shipment
That makes ‘em sigh and moan.
I’d be Mister Heavy Metal.
I’d be banging like a kettle.
If I only had a schlong.

Scarecrow: Gee. I always thought …

Tin Man: People ask me “Are you gay?”
Then they’ll say that, “It’s OK.”
But they’ve really got it wrong.
The tinsmith also left out balls.
I’m not anything at all.
If I only had a schlong!

Dance number, instrumental. 

Tin Man: I’d be Mars, and she’d be Venus
If I only …

Wizard: Stop singing. Please. Take this … Just take it.

Hands him a box.

Tin Man: What’s in the box?
Wizard: A mechanical device.
Tin Man: What kind of device?
Wizard: Well, Dorothy wouldn’t know that because she’s only sixteen.
Dorothy: The hell I wouldn’t.
Tin Man: But you know, right?
Wizard: No.
Tin Man: Why not?
Wizard: Because I only know what she knows! It’s obvious, you idiots!
Tin Man: Not to me.
Wizard: Listen, morons. This is all her dream. 
Tin Man: Wha…?
Wizard: We all exist in Dorothy’s head, get it? She’s real — we’re not.
Scarecrow: That’s metaphysically confusing, Wizard.
Wizard: Tell me about it.
Scarecrow: And logically inconsist—
Wizard: Shut up, strawhead! Just get the hell out of here, OK? All of you!
Tin Man: Fine by me. 
Scarecrow: (to Tin Man) Say, you wanna trade that “device” for my diploma?
Tin Man: F*** off.

Walks out. Dorothy takes his arm.