My First Cryptid Alphabestiary

A is for "Altie," a sturgeon or plesiosaur. He likes rivers in Georgia, and eats yuppies on tours.

B is for "Bunyip" who lives in Australia. He's a government secret. If you blab, they will jail ya.

C is for "Chupacabra," Trump's nightmare come true. He won't take your job, man. He hungers for you.

D is for "Dookie." He's no monster, he's shit. But so are the rest. He's the one perfect fit.

E is for "Ent," a tree without roots. He stomped Marvel Studios, pissed off about Groot.

F is for “Fir Bolg,” the Bigfoot of Ireland. I’m stuck for a rhyme, ‘cause I’m feeling tired, man.

G is for "Gremlin," who torments Bill Shatner. If she falls from the wing, you know it'll flatten her.

H is for "Half-Elf," a miserable bum. The best you can say is he's better than none.

I is for "Id," the monster within. He hates Leslie Nielsen, but likes to see skin.

K is for "Kraken," who lives in the sea. Don't release him, you moron. Take it from me.

L is for "Loch Ness Monster," (Nessie for short.) His true name is "Cecil," I'm glad to report.

M is for "Manticore," a Persian monstrosity. ELP is his groove. He digs the pomposity.

N is for "Nü Gui," a ghost hit-girl from China. The spirit of vengeance flows from her deepest inner self.

O is for "Ogre," a creature of dread. He grinds Englishmen's bones to make gluten-free bread.

P is for "Pixie." They're cute and resent it. If you have a new car, they'll fly out and dent it.

Q is for "Qliphoth," a shell of the dead. According to Pynchon, it lives under your bed.

R is for "Roc," a big honking bird. He feasts on fat surfers, at least so I've heard.

S is for "Skunk Ape," who lives up to his name. You'll smell him in Florida. Yeah, we get the blame.

T is for "Troll," malign and online. (Visit www.troll.com to have a good time.)

U is for "Undine," elemental and watery. Like Druids, she's fluid, and likes to spoil pottery.

V is for "Valva," she's translucent and pink. A spirit of nature, it's not what you think.

W is for "Warg," a Buick-sized wolf who ravages fortresses. Not to be confused with the Direwolf, for copyright purposes.

X is for "Xenomorph," a chest-bursting bitch. A sure-fire cure for the space-faring itch.

Y is for "You," try not to feel blue. We're all monsters inside, you know that it's true.

Z is for "Zombie," and you can see why. The corpse, like the trope, refuses to die.