The Ballad of Chore Boy

EXT, SHIT-KICKING TEXAS TOWN - DAY
Kenny Rogers walks up, kicking shit and holding a guitar.

Kenny Rogers: Hi. I’m Kenny Rogers. You may not recognize me after all that plastic surgery, but I swear I’m telling the truth. Anyhoo. (strums guitar) This here’s the story of Chore Boy. I grew up with Chore Boy back in Ratsack, Texas. Chore Boy took a shine to everybody. But Boss Pigg and his goons never took a liking to him.

INT, REDNECK BAR – DAY
The bell at the front door dings. Chore Boy enters, delivering boxes of scrubbing pads. Boss Pigg is behind the bar wiping glasses. He turns and gives him a dirty look. The bar is filled with the Boss’ Goons. They stop talking, waiting to see what goes down.

Boss Pigg: Well looky here. If’n it isn’t little Chore Boy. Long time no see, Chore Boy.

Chore Boy nods.

Boss: Say, I got a chore for you. Right here. (grabs groin)

Goons laugh.

Chore Boy: Where do you want the package?

Boss: Say, I got a package for you. Right here. (grabs groin)

Goons laugh.

Goon: That’s real original, boss. Where do you come up with these things?

Chore Boy: (setting package on table) I don’t want no trouble.

Boss: He don’t want no trouble.

Goon: That’s bad English, boss.

Boss: Shut up! Like I was saying, this here’s your lucky day, Chore Boy. You ain’t up for the chores I need. So guess what? I done fetched me … Chore Girl!

Boss reaches down and pulls her up into sight from behind the bar. He’s grabbing her by the back of the hair. Shaking her cruelly.

Chore Girl: Help me, Chore Boy!

Boss: Well, it looks like you two already know each other. Well, I’m about to make my acquaintance …

Chore Girl: Help!

Boss: My intimate acquaintance. You know what I’m saying, Chore Boy? (shakes her viciously) Chore Boy?

Goon: Duh, he turned your back on you, boss! He’s walking away!

Boss: Let him go. Coward like that. Our evening's entertainment might offend his delicate sensibilities.

Chore Boy reaches the door. Stops. Just stands there with his back turned.

Boss: What the hell are you doing? 

Goon: Duh. He’s locking the door, boss.

Boss: Well ain’t that funny. There’s six of us and one of you. You think you …

Chore Boy turns.

EXT, BAR - DAY
Sounds of beating, screaming and mayhem.

Kenny Rogers: Chore Boy became Chore Man that day. (strums guitar, starts singing) "Everyone considered him the coward of the kitchen ..."

Sound: (OS) A series of electronic burbles and high pitched whines. It goes on for 30 seconds.

Announcer: (OS) This has been a test of your emergency warning system.

Kenny Rogers: Well, that was The Ballad of Chore Boy. I hope you folks enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed getting paid. (tips Stetson hat) Good night.